SportsCrack

Week 3 picks

I was 8-8 last week with picks... which if viewed in baseball terms means I'm batting .500. Which is awesome. But since the NFL isn't viewed in basball terms (it's viewed in football terms..) 8-8 isn't very good. Like a regular season record, it oozes mediocrity, yet it teases. As long as you didn't go 12-4 the previous season, 8-8 means your on the fucking up and up, baby.

However... (here comes a disclaimer of sorts) I have decided, for qualities sake.. that picking every single game, every single week is a bit much. I mean geez, I work two jobs, need eight hours of sleep each night MINUMUM to not be a douchebag for the first 3-4 hours I'm awake, and not to mention I have a kid on the way... so suffice to say, I have a lot of shit to deal with. As much as I would like to sit down and write about all 12-16 games going each week, I can't. So even though the ESPN Knee-Jerk question post was a complete disaster (the questions were sent in by fucking retards, read the previous post for more incite), I'm still going to rip off the world wide leader. Kind of.

John Clayton's 1st and 10? What?

How about Football Crack's...

4th and 5? Huh? How cool is that?

...Hello? Does anyone even read this fucking blog? Whatever... LET'S DO THIS! RAAARF! (That's supposed to simulate, in words, a bark of sorts. Think Rampage Jackson but with a dog. And less gay...





:O?

Just kidding.

No, for real. That howl gets me pumped up, Quentin. Whenever you do it I funnel a beer. Seriously. The howl is the farthest of far, gay-wise. Really, the sad part is it's true. But at least I don't funnel Natty Ices..

Or.. do I?

Anyway, I'm only going to comment on five games a week. I'll show my picks for every other game following my fantastic commentaries.

Week 3 picks:

Buffalo @ New England - Since I am a shamless Patriots fan, I will no doubt pick their game as one of my five picks of the week. And most likely, I will pick them to win.

Fuck it, I will definately, always, pick them to win. What kind of person picks AGAINST their home town team? I don't care if your from Detroit, you just don't do it. None-the-less, I will show my football knowledge with this simple statement:

Even though it directly conflicts with my fantasy matchup this week, Lawrence Maroney's breakout party will begin this week. He will have a beastly week against the Bills. If not, don't worry, I'll call myself on it.

In fact, some of my best writing comes from when I make fun of myself.

Hmm...

Detroit @ Philadelphia - Philly is overrated and Donovan McNabb can't even hit Kevin Curtis on a short out route, for not only the win, but my fantasy destiny in Week 2. Thanks again, Donovan. :D

And no, I'm not racist.

COME ON! I listen to rap music.

That's a valid reason, right? And how could I be racist if my starting QB this week is David Garrard? He's black... aaaaaand he's a quarterback.

Will I be pissed if he throws for 70 yards, no TD's and three picks? Of fucking course, I will. Will the verbal slanders I unleash upon him after such a performance rival Alex Smiths, the 49ers white QB after his last two performances?

Probably not. Garrard is a better QB than Smith at this point in time. And Alex Smith, thus far, is the most overrated QB in the league. Some prospect, he's been. Steelers will destroy the 49ers this week. Guaranteed.


Cincinnati @ Seattle - I put quite a bit of money on Cincy this week. Whether or not that amount of money is more or less than $10 shall remain to be seen.

Yes, Cincy's defense is fucking horrendous. But...

Yes, Carson Palmer will have a monstrous day. My fantasy opponent this week has him as one of their two starting QB's, though. :/

At least I gots Rudi Johnson! :)

Cincinnati will win, though. It's my NO DOUBT PICK OF THE WEEK!

Dallas @ Chicago - I can and will, never take Rex Grossman seriously. As a person? Sure, he's a nice guy. But as an NFL QB? I think I might be able to do better.

Dallas has the NFC East on LOCKDOWN! There! I said it AGAIN! And I'll say it every week until I'm proven wrong, and forced to make a post making fun of myself to counteract it.

I doubt I will have to, though.



Tennessee @ New Orleans - Yes, New Orleans has sucked so far this season. No, they will not lose to the Titans on their home turf in LA.

Yes, I need to cut this post short because I'm tired and have been drinking Natty Ices all night.

But quickly, the rest of my picks!

Miami, Pittsburgh, San Diego, K.C., St. Louis, Baltimore, Indy, Cleveland, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Washington.

Last week: 8-8. This week: The universe!