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Week 16 quick picks

I know, I know. I haven't updated like I said I was going to. I apologize. I'm too busy trying to make money from home online. So far it's worked out pretty good and in a couple weeks I should be able to talk myself out of working 12 hour days and start posting a bit more. Well, at least for the playoffs.

If you'd like to help my endeavor, by all means, support my advertisers. Hint, hint.

I'm actually pretty pissed this week, since I only have $18 in my account and you need to deposit a minimum of $20 for BoDog. So, if the following parlay shakes out, I'm going to punch myself in the fucking face.

Bills (+2.5) over Giants (-2.5)
Redskins (+7) over Vikings (-7)
Lions (-4.5) over Chiefs (+4.5)

I'm not even going to look and see how much money I'd make with that. And to add insult to injury, I'd pick the under for the Bills/Giants game. I don't know what the line is, but I'd pick the under regardless.

Anyway, I should be posting more in the future, since money's starting to roll in -- so stay tuned.

Steelers @ Patriots

Quick update: Meant to pick all the games this week but... duty calls. Trying to make that money. Here's the Steelers @ Patriots pick though (the only one that really matters):

I just heard that Troy Polamalu is definitely not playing. Even if he was though, I would have expected the Patriots to win -- but with this news... I'm gonna have to change the score a bit.

If you're curious -- if Polamalu did play:

Patriots 20 Steelers 16

Actual el prediction:

Patriots 24 Steelers 16

Whoa... that was a great game

This is supposed to be an unbiased football blog, and I apologize if I offend every single fan outside of New England by posting this.

But that game was fucking awesome. There is no doubt in my mind that the Patriots will finish the season 16-0. Notice I didn't say 19-0 because as I know from last year's second half shit fest against the Colts, anything can happen in the playoffs.

With that said, next weeks game against the Steelers is huge. In my opinion it is the last big game in the Patriots quest for an undefeated season. I will be posting a massive preview with a post per day, covering different aspects of the game starting on Wednesday. So all nine of my readers, stay tuned!

The Ravens played a great game and they redeemed themselves in my mind after that anemic performance against the Steelers a few weeks back. This is the NFL, folks. Just because a team is a couple of games below .500 doesn't mean there going to get the shit kicked out of them every week. The penalties at the end of the game though... that was unacceptable. Thankfully, I'm not a Ravens fan because I would be starting a petition to get Bart Scott thrown off the team. That's just me, though.

Sit back and enjoy boys and girls. History is being made right before our very eyes. And once again, I apologize if most of my readers hate the Patriots and wish for me to remain unbiased. However, my blood alcohol content is like... 21.3 right now so, I'm sorry.

10 things that will happen on Monday Night Football – Pats @ Ravens

Packers @ Cowboys TNF Preview!

This game will mark the eighth time ever that two 10-1 teams have met in the regular season. With that said, while most people think these two will meet again in the NFC championship, I do not. Whoever loses this game will go into a downward spiral and not carry enough momentum into the playoffs. I say this because I am a genius, and you should listen to me. So… yeah.

Anyway, in the interests of being fair and balanced, let’s break down this game into different categories. Unlike the last preview, we will break it down into offense vs. defense, vice versa and coaching. It is much easier that way, and I like easy. I will also try and sprinkle various witty and entertaining comments throughout this preview, but the keyword is ‘try’. I’m not making ANY promises. Let’s begin.

Cowboys offense vs. Packers defense

The key here obviously, is if Charles Woodson is going to play. He will be a game time decision along with defensive end Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila. Not only does Charles Woodson effect Green Bay’s defensive play, but he also effects the special teams.

The Cowboys offense has been great this year. In fact, it is ranked second in the league overall behind the mighty Patriots. However, many times they didn’t get the offense going until the second half. If the Packers defensive line can get pressure on Romo and maybe rough him up a bit, and succeed in stopping Marion ‘the Barbarian’ Barber (Best nickname in the history of nicknames, I think). Common sense? Yes. Did it need to be said? Also yes.

Edge: Even…

What was that?

Fine, I won’t be a pussy…

Edge: Cowboys

Packers offense vs. Cowboys defense

I’ve waited for the Packers offense to shit the bed for the first eight to nine weeks of the season. After that, I realized they might actually be pretty good. I was surprised to learn though, that they are third overall behind the Patriots and Cowboys in total offense. Weird.

Dallas has the seventh ranked defense in the league. So this is going to be the most competitive part of the game. (Cowboys O vs. Packers D will be competitive too, but the Cowboys O is ranked 2nd while the Packers D is ranked 12th - a great match up but not as good as the one we’re talking about in this section. On a side note, I place a TON of emphasis on offensive and defensive rankings this late in the season. I’m shallow like that).

I’m still skeptical about Ryan Grant (albeit, pissed I didn’t pick him up with one of my 2 FA bids in my fantasy league) so I think we’re going to learn a lot about him in this game.

In weird little retarded stat side note, Brett Favre is 0-8 in Texas stadium. Does this mean anything? Absolutely not. Will he be 0-9 after this game? I don’t know, wait until the end…

Edge: Cowboys

Mike McCarthy vs. Wade Phillips

While this is technically Mike McCarthy’s first successful season, I just don’t like Wade Phillips for some reason. Will this cause me to give the edge to McCarthy? What do you think I am, an asshole? However, I do think Mike McCarthy is a better game planner. Wade Phillips looks like he’d rather play Candy land with Tony Romo instead of planning for an actual game.

Edge: Packers

So there we have it. Thanks to my generous nature, we have now broken down the major parts of the game. We didn’t break it down to electron size like most people, but I hope we have all gotten a general gist of what’s going to be happening here. I’m not a fucking scientist, so if you want someone to break down left guard vs. defensive tackle/end than I apologize.

Now, who I do think will win? In my heart of hearts, I believe the Cowboys will win this one. And I always go with my heart of hearts feeling for my picks. If any of you have read my picks on Football Crack each week, you also know that my heart of heart feelings are NEVER fucking right. I think I’m batting just below .500 for the year and well, that is just not acceptable.

So, in a prediction that means absolutely nothing except to give closure to this spectacular preview…

Cowboys: 31 Packers: 27

Here’s to hoping you have NFL Network, too. Cause if you don’t than that just sucks. : /

Sean Taylor -- 1983 - 2007

I can honestly say with sincerity that he was the
most exciting defensive player I have ever
had the pleasure of watching. May he R.I.P.

The NFL jersey you wear and what it says about you

Last night, during that magical time in between waking and sleeping, I had an idea and I do not get ideas very often. So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, here is a look into the psyche of those who wear your favorite NFL player jerseys. What story are you telling about yourself when you wear an NFL jersey? Well, let's find out - enjoy, and do go easy on the apple cider. I spiked it.

(Note - Since I'm so nice, I placed some Amazon ads you can click on if you'd like to buy the jersey -- and unless it's an L.T. jersey, I don't see why you wouldn't want one.)

Priest Holmes jersey - I enjoy living in the past a bit and think of myself as able to come back from anything. Even debilitating neck and spinal injuries. I tend to get people's hopes up but then blast them down with a shotgun, though I always thank my supporters.



Tom Brady jersey - Whats up baby? How are you doin'? I tend to think of myself as somewhat of a manly man. Except, I take three hours to get ready and use hand lotion because I don't like dry hands, damnit!



LaDainian Tomlinson jersey - I cry a lot and I get mad when I don't get my own way. I can't share very well and I always brag about my own things while making fun of yours. I'm also gay and LOVE how this powder blue jersey matches by shell-toes, don't you? Oh, and I'm classy, too. Don't you think?



Chad Johnson jersey - I'm that guy at the bar who talks mad shit to people and gets in their face but I nearly shit my pants when that person doesn't back down. Also, I curl up into a little ball and cry when I get punched in the face.



Randy Moss jersey - I am the fucking man.



Ray Lewis jersey - I killed a guy once at a Wheaties convention but for some strange reason, I got away with it and no one even seems to remember, which is pretty cool.



Adrian Peterson jersey - I'm confident, but not too confident. I am the heir apparent to the top of my corporate ladder and I have a hand crushingly strong handshake. I'm a bit fragile, though.




Adam 'Pacman' Jones jersey - I just shot up your house. My fault. Hey, want to go to a strip club? [In case your wondering why there's no picture for Pacman... I couldn't find one. I guess no one wants to sell something with his name on it. Interesting...]


LaMont Jordan jersey - I was really cool for like, two weeks of my entire life. Then I tweaked by back and can't go out anymore because my wife won't let me.



Brett Favre jersey - I'm really old but I am a legend on the tackle football battlefield down at Sampson park. Until I break a leg or have a heart attack, I am not going to retire. Also, I LOVE Wrangler jeans.



Peyton Manning jersey - I like to give life advice to pretty much everyone. Even people I do not know and meet on the train.



Ben Roethlisberger jersey - I'm the guy who everyone likes, then began to like even MORE after I got into a car accident and got tons of prescriptions for perks and vikes. Five bucks a pop, buddy. Fork it over.



Tony Romo jersey - I used to be shy, but then I landed a commercial gig and I am on top of the world. I smile and giggle a lot.



Well, that's about it for now. May your turkeys be tasty and your beers be plenty.

Back in time for Turkeyday

I know, it's been like 4 years since my last post. My bad. I just wrote an informational e-book that will hopefully make me some greenage. And no, I will not whore it out on this blog because it has absolutely nothing to do with football.

Or... maybe I will, I don't know. Anyway, back to football!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and for the first time since I can remember, the Lions are actually playing in a meaningful game. I was looking forward to putting some money on them, but then I lost all of my money that I had left (until this Friday) this past Sunday when New Orleans shit the bed and the Jets beat the Steelers. Seriously, how did that happen? I took the Steelers and they were GIVING ten points! And they lost! I thought this team was the heir apparent to end the Patriots undefeated season attempt? I guess not.

Oh well. Here are the picks:

Lions over Packers.
Cowboys over Jets.
Falcons over Colts. (Upset!)

On a quick side note, I would like to wish Priest Holmes a happy retirement. I would also like to thank him for effectively ruining my shot at making the playoffs in my fantasy league.

You see, we only get two waiver wire moves for the whole season. This is to prevent faggots having an ever-changing starting line up like a waiver wire whore house. Anyway, not surprisingly, I used my two pickups within like, the first six weeks of the season. By week 10, everyone had used there's up except the commish.

My running back situation was dire and the Jack Daniels in my blood stream was telling me to make a move or lose. So, I stopped over my commishes house, busted out a trade that looked a bit like this:

I gave up: Plaxico Burress and LaMont Jordan and I got: Chris Chambers, Jerrious Norwood and a FA pickup (Priest Holmes).

Yes, I know, in the light of the recent Holmes re-retirement this looks like perhaps the worst trade in fantasy football history. But I didn't know Priest was going to retire after two games! I thought L.J. was done for the season and I was making a sneaky, genius deal.

Guess not. Thanks though, Mr. Holmes. I'm going to get fucking HOUNDED all through the Super Bowl party. Well wishes, though. I admire your efforts and am thinking about buying your jersey just to parody the whole thing and make fun of myself. I'm cool like that.

Power rankings and random ramblings to come. Stay tuned.

Adrian Peterson - A Mini Biography

Adrian Peterson. Who is he? Is he who we think he is? While I think it’s a bit premature to be awarding him the title of the ‘next LaDanian Tomlinson’ or the ‘next Eric Dickerson’ let’s delve into his history a bit and see if we can discover why he’s one of the most talented and exciting rookie running backs we’ve ever seen.

Adrian Peterson was born on March 21st, 1985 in Palestine, Texas. He had a rough childhood, with his father, Nelson Peterson being sentenced to ten years in prison when he was thirteen and his brother Brian being killed at the age of nine by a drunk driver.

Adrian participated in track and field and basketball from early on and up until his high school years. He excelled at both. However, it was his junior and senior years when he played football where people begin to realize he was going to be very, very good.

His senior year in high school, he was voted the Consensus national player of the year after racking up 2,960 yards on 252 carries and 32 touchdowns. This dwarfed even his stellar junior season where he rushed for 2,051 on 246 carries and 22 touchdowns. Suffice it to say, The Oklahoma Sooners were quite excited to have him on board.

They were even more excited when he broke several NCAA rookie rushing records and finished second in the Heisman balloting, all in his freshman year. He finished with 1,925 yards on 339 carries and 15 touchdowns.

A.D. (or ‘All Day’ – his nickname) led the Sooners to the national championship game against the U.S.C. Trojans. The Trojans won however, in a rout, 55-19.

A.D. injured his ankle early in the 2005 season and ended up missing four games. Even so, he rushed for 1,108 yards on 220 carries and 14 touchdowns. He was included on the All-Big 12 Conference team.

Here's Bob Stoops commenting on how Adrian Peterson compared to other running backs he’s seen, as said at a Big 12 media day.

“I can’t compare him to anyone else; I haven’t seen anyone like him. He’s a powerful, explosive back with great speed and great style. He’s a tough, physical runner. Bottom line, until he was hurt, he’s had a lot of success. It’s not his fault that he got hurt. We plan to give him the ball a lot and hopefully he has a great year. He’s incredibly physical. He’s a guy who can run a 4.3 and weighs 220 pounds. He absolutely destroys a weight room.”

Peterson’s final season in 2006 allowed him to play in front of his father, Nelson, for the first time when he was released from prison. He also broke his collar-bone in said game, ending the rest of his regular season.

He returned in the Fiesta Bowl against Boise State, needing only 151 yards to pass Billy Sims to be Oklahoma’s all-time leading rusher.

The game, arguably one of the best in Bowl Championship Series history, was eventually won by Boise State in overtime 43-42. Peterson finished with only 77 yards, 74 yards short of Sims school record. For his career, he had 4,045 yards on 648 carries and 41 touchdowns.

Peterson kept mum about his future plans until January 15th, 2007 when he announced he would enter the NFL draft, not returning for his senior season. Mel Kiper Jr. a draft analyst said of Peterson,

"You can make the argument, [Peterson] is the best player in this draft, if not, certainly one of the top three.”

Comparisons were made to Eric Dickerson as well, when coming out of college. Funny, that halfway through his rookie season, it’s being predicted he has a realistic shot at breaking Dickerson’s single season rushing record.

Tragedy struck again when Peterson’s step-brother Chris Paris was shot to death in Houston, Texas a day before the NFL Combine.

Still, he trudged on, becoming a Minnesota Viking when they took him with the 7th overall pick in the 2007 NFL Draft. Upon breaking Jamal Lewis’ single game rushing record on November 4th, 2007, many NFL teams who passed on Peterson in the draft wished they hadn’t done so due to his injury concerns. Doing so meant they perhaps passed on what could be the greatest back in NFL history.

We’ll conclude with a quote from Deion Sanders about Peterson:

“He has the vision of a Marshall Faulk, the power of a Terrell Davis, and the speed of an Eric Dickerson. Let’s pray he has the endurance of an Emmitt Smith.”

All day, all day.

Power Ten - Week 10

I know this is supposed to be a Power Sixteen, but way too many teams are just horrible right now. It actually pained me to try and rank some of the teams from 11-16. As in, I got a feeling in my stomach as if to say: "Why are you trying to rank teams that suck so much?" So, I decided to go back to a Power Ten. It will be better this way, I promise.

1.) New England - A unanimous number one. Even if you don't like them, if you argue that they are not the number one team in the league right now, then you are a fucking dumb ass.

2.) Indianapolis - It took a while to pick a number two. I was going to put Dallas there but how would that make sense? The Patriots beat the Cowboys easily, while the Colts gave them some trouble.

3.) Dallas - I think Dallas would beat Green Bay if they played today, so the Cowboys win the three spot.

4.) Green Bay - I'm beginning to believe that the inevitable Green Bay slump is never going to come. Maybe last year was a fluke. They need to get the running game going, though. Favre's arm will not carry them to the Super Bowl alone.

5.) Pittsburgh - Yes, Pittsburgh destroyed Baltimore last night. But that Baltimore team we saw last night was horrible. It sucked. They shit the bed. Once they beat a quality team, I'll give them some credit. And they can start by taking care of Cleveland this week.

6.) New York Giants - Coming off a bye week to play the division and conference leading Cowboys. Are the Giants for real? I think so. And not just because of this book.

7.) Detroit - More than halfway to the ten game win prediction by Jon Kitna, I finally believe they are actually a good team. They sure do give up a shitload of sacks, though, which is apparently Mike Martz's fault and not the O-Line.

8.) Tennessee - The Titans D wanted that shutout against Carolina. From cornerback Nick Harper:

"We wanted the goose egg."

A tough defense and a strong running game. Just think what they can do when Vince Young has a decent game.

9.) New Orleans - The Saints are on a roll. Don't expect them to stop either, with the Rams coming up.

10.) Cleveland - Easily the most suprising team of the year. Right now, I'd give Romeo Crennel coach of the year.

Monday Night Football preview - Ravens @ Steelers

With several of the previous Monday Night match ups being unsavory to say the least, it’s nice to see one that both looks good on paper and means something division wise. While I’m leaning towards a Steelers win, you just never know. So, in the interest of fun, let’s take a look at some factors and storylines for tonight’s game.

Let’s start with a quote from Ray Lewis, the heart and soul of the Baltimore D and probably the only person ever to get barred from being on a Wheaties box:

“I think this game sums up, really the National Football League, and I really think it sums up our division. Nothing is a secret about the way these two teams play against each other. We know it’s going to be physical. They’ve got the No. 1 defense; we’ve got the No. 2 defense. It’s going to be one of those classic games.”

The games last year were certainly not classics, however. Pittsburgh got destroyed 27-0 in Baltimore and then spanked 31-7 in Pittsburgh. But with Ben Roethlisberger’s dome piece apparently feeling much better than last year, and his appendix too, will this year be different? What say you, Mr. Roethlisberger?

"You know how you felt afterward. You got embarrassed twice, once here, once there. It's not a good thing. It leaves a taste in your mouth. They roughed us up, a lot. We need another all-around performance like we had last Sunday, in all phases of the game."

These quotes and stuff are all cool and good, you say, but who fares better in the major football categories? Well, fuck, let’s find out! And without the wise cracks.

Offense

Baltimore – There has been talk of poor offensive play calling effecting Baltimore, but we’ll get to that later in the coaching section. The Ravens are 17^th in the league in offensive YPG (326.7) and 24^th in PPG (17.7).

They have one of the more dynamic backs in the league in Willis McGahee and a proven but aging QB in Steve McNair. The receivers have been less than stellar, with Derrick Mason making up for an under the radar year for the rest of the corps.

The offensive line has been effective blocking for McGahee who’s fifth in the league in rushing yards with 639. They’ve been even more effective protecting Steve McNair, allowing only 4 sacks on the season, tied for first in the league. Not a bad year so far for the Baltimore offensive line, I say.

Pittsburgh – The Pittsburgh offense has been much more potent this year, and it seems they are back to the Steelers smash mouth football of yore. They are 6^th in the league in offensive YPG (361.1) and 5^th in PPG (26.3).

Ben Roethlisberger is having one of the best years of his career with a 102.2 passer rating thus far. Willie Parker is having a spectacular year as well and if it were not for the rookie beast, Adrian Peterson, he might have won the rushing title. As for Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes… while not having monster years, they both are both threats and always viable passing options.

The big men up front, while doing a great job run blocking for Willie Parker, haven’t been as good protecting Ben Roethlisberger. He’s tied for taking the sixth most sacks in the league.

Edge: Steelers. While I would give the nod offensive line wise to the Ravens, the Steelers are running the ball well and passing the ball well. They are back to the smash mouth football they are known for, with a little bit extra.

Defense

Baltimore – The Ravens are 2^nd in the league defensively in YPG (268.0). They are 6^th in the league in PPG (17.0). Obviously they are having another great year defensively, and with Samari Rolle back from an injury, they should get even better. They will have a huge test against the Steelers offense, especially since the only team they’ve played with a great offense was Cincinnati, giving up 27 points in a loss.

Pittsburgh – The Steelers are 1^st in the league in YPG (256.9) and 1^st in PPG (13.0). They are also a lot more proven than Baltimore’s defense, having played Cleveland, Seattle and Cincinnati which were all wins and gave up only 20 combined points to all three.

Edge: Steelers. Easy pick.

Special Teams

Baltimore – Matt Stover has hit 18 of 21 of his kicks going 12-12 under 39 yards and 6-9 from over 40 yards. Not bad. The kick returning team is averaging 27.7 yards per return with 0 touchdowns.

Steelers – Jeff Reed on the other hand has only kicked 11 times, but he’s connected on 10 of them. He’s made all of his kicks that were not over 50 yards. The kick returning team is averaging 25.8 yards per return with 1 touchdown.

Edge: Steelers. Although Reed hasn’t kicked as many as Stover, he’s been more efficient. And the kick return team for the Steelers has the touchdown edge. Done.

Coaching

Baltimore – Brian Billick hasn’t been the most popular play caller this year, even with his own defense. Let’s here what Ray Lewis had to say about him:

“We knew he [Willis McGahee] should have touched the ball when you have a fourth-and-one. Old-school football is old-school football. If there is a yard I need to get, there is a running back, a fullback and an offense that is meant to get that.”

Very true, Ray, very true. He goes on:

"You can't make oranges be peaches. It doesn't change. It will never change. That's what Billick has to ask himself, why we keep putting ourselves in those situations. In the Cincinnati game, that cost us with those same decisions."

Are these accusations true? Thankfully, I know first hand, from my friend 'Killamed' who has Willis McGahee on his fantasy team. Here is what he has to say about Brian Billick's antics:

"He's retarded. I hate him. Who throws twice on the goal line, then brings in Musa Smith on third down when McGahee has been having such a monster day? A pussy, that's who."

Too harsh? Maybe. But what do you expect from someone who has the word 'Killa' in their nickname.

Steelers -- Compared to Billick, any coach could get the nod. But Mike Tomlin has lived up to expectations and brought the Steelers the identity they seemed to lose last year. Plus, he looks exactly like Omar Epps.

Edge -- Steelers.

And... the overall edge goes to the Steelers, in a sweep.

Steelers win 24-13.

Week 9 picks

Unfortunately, couldn’t get to most of the posts I was planning this week. I’ll definitely get to them this week, though. Week 9 picks real quick with rankings to follow on Tuesday:

Atlanta, Cincinnati, Detroit, Tennessee, K.C., San Diego, New Orleans, Washington, Arizona, Cleveland, New England, Oakland, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh

Stay tuned, all two of my readers.

Week 8 picks

Not a lot of posting lately. After this week's games I'm going to post up a new Power Sixteen as well as some other clever little nuggets I've been dreaming up. Until then, though, the Week 8 picks:

Cleveland @ St. Louis - The only thing that remotely made me second guess the Rams winning this one was that Stephen Jackson is pretty much a lock to play. However with one of the shittiest offensive lines I've ever had the displeasure of watching (due to injuries, mind you), that doesn't matter too much.

Pick: Cleveland

N.Y.G. vs. Miami @ London, England - Pretty much every single person in the world thinks the Giants will win this one. And you know what? So do I.

Pick: N.Y.G.

Philadelphia @ Minnesota - I have absolutely no clue what to think of this Eagles team. They look solid one weak, and then absolutely fucking horrible the next. Minnesota on the other hand has Adrian Peterson, who went absolutely fucking apeshit on Chicago in Week 6, then only got 12 carries against the Cowboys in Week 7. Why did this happen? I do not know. Will it happen this week? I certainly hope not.

Pick: Minnesota

Indianapolis @ Carolina - Even with the Colts playing on the road, with a short week (having played on Monday night) I still think they're going to fucking spank the Panthers. At least David Carr and his queer white gloves won't be on the field for Carolina. That's something for Carolina fans to be happy about.

Pick: Indianapolis

Detroit @ Chicago - I still not sold on Griese or the Bears team in general. A win against the Lions might start to make me a believer, though. Not a believer that they're a good team, mind you--just a believer that they don't completely fucking suck. I'm still on the fence with Detroit too, but with a win in Chicago I'll entertain the thought that they are actually pretty good. And a win this week will also put them halfway towards Jonny Kitna's 10 win pre-season prediction. Hm. How bout that?

Pick: Detroit

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati - This is a must win for Cincy. Even so, they will still lose. Is there such a thing as an anti-sleeper team? Did anyone predict before the season that the Bengals would blow so much?

Pick: Pittsburgh

Oakland @ Tennessee - Even with a horrible past two weeks with losses against the Chargers and an anemic performance offensively against Kansas City, I still believe Oakland can turn it around and make a push for the AFC West. They would really need a win this week to do so, though. And although I may be thinking too much since my gut is telling me to take Tennessee 100%, I'm still going to stick with Oakland.

Pick: Oakland

Jacksonville @ Tampa Bay - Had David Garrard been playing in this game, I would most likely take the Jaguars. I might also win my fantasy game this week. I'm beginning to think that my fantasy roster each year is like the Madden curse. Nearly two thirds of my team usually gets banged up at various points and to varying degrees all season. It's awesome...

Pick: Tampa Bay

Buffalo @ N.Y.J. - The Jets are another candidate for the anti-sleeper team of this season. What the fuck happened? Was last year a complete and utter fluke?

Pick: Buffalo

Houston @ San Diego - San Diego is on a roll and coming off a bye week, and with the city of San Diego rooting them on in the aftermath of the wildfires, I foresee no possible way they could lose this week. Lock of the week.

Pick: San Diego

New Orleans @ San Francisco - Here's to hoping Drew Brees continues to get better as the season progresses. He'll probably end up breaking his leg or something though, effectively ending my fantasy season halfway through. San Francisco? The third candidate for the anti-sleeper team of the year. I guess an ESPN the Magazine cover story about how pumped and talented your team is for the year doesn't translate to success. Huh.

Pick: New Orleans

Washington @ New England - I honestly considered taking Washington in this game, but until the Patriots show a real weakness for an extended period of time in a game, I can't bring myself to pick against them. The Redskins getting 16 points for the spread, though? That's ridiculous. If my credit card wasn't currently over the limit, I would definitely take the points on that one.

Pick: New England

Green Bay @ Denver - Was last weeks win over Pittsburgh a fluke? I don't think so. Is Green Bay really as good as their 5-1 record? I don't think so.

Pick: Denver

Week 7 Picks

Real quick.

Pats, Saints, Giants, Skins, Titans, Ravens, Vikings, Lions, Raiders, Bengals, Eagles, Rams, Broncos, Jaguars.

More stuff later.

Week 6 Picks

Minnesota @ Chicago - Normally I would take Chicago here, but then I remembered Brian Griese is there QB. And I cannot physically pick them when that is the case.

Miami @ Cleveland - If Miami didn't have Ronnie Brown playing out of his fucking mind this year, I think they might have had a shot at going defeated. But even in this game, with Ronnie running crazy, I think Cleveland will pull out a W.

P.S. Watching the Sox-Indians game right now... it's 9-6 Indians still Top of the 11th and all I have to say: Why the fuck did we sign Eric Gagne? Why?

Washington @ Green Bay - Green Bay had a pretty good run until last week. And their momentum isn't going to be regained in this game, either. Skins win big.

Cincinnati @ Kansas City - I still think Cincinnati is a decent team. And I still think Kansas City sucks. So I'm going with Cincy, here.

Tennessee @ Tampa Bay - Shouldn't the Madden Curse come into effect any week now? I say Young blows out his knee and Tampa Bay squeaks one out.

St. Louis @ Baltimore - UPSET SPECIAL! St. Louis wins their first one of the year. Wait a second, Bulger and Jackson aren't playing. Gus Frerotte or how ever the fuck you spell it is starting QB? Scratch that, Baltimore wins big.

Houston @ Jacksonville - If Andre Johnson was playing in this one, I'd take the Texans. But he's not, so I won't.

Philadelphia @ N.Y.J. - I just traded Thomas Jones in my fantasy league... so here's to hoping the Jets offense collectively shits the bed. Except for Leon Washington. Let's hope he does good. Philly by a small margin--say, three.

Carolina @ Arizona - As long as David Carr is the starting QB for the Panthers, and he continues to wear those queer ass white gloves... I can't pick them to win. Arizona wins big.

Oakland @ San Diego - Lots of people are saying the Chargers are back. They're gonna go on a roll. While I think that's plausible, I don't think it will start this week. Raiders with a somewhat unsurprising upset.

New England @ Dallas - I'm taking the Cowboys in this one...

Haha. Just kidding. Pats win decisively. Ehhhh... say 10 points.

New Orleans @ Seattle - The Saints offense finally gets there shit together and puts up mad points like they did last year, ultimately getting them their first win. About fucking time.

N.Y.G. @ Atlanta - Giants win. Sorry, I'm tired.

10 Reasons the Patriots will beat the Cowboys

1.) Tony Romo - He’s a good quarterback, I admit it. But he’s never faced a Belichick defense before. And as we all know, the first time you do that, it’s not a good time.

2.) Rodney Harrison’s Back - Yes, he took HGH. Yes, he’s known as a cheap shop, hard hitting asshole. Do I still love him, though? Your fucking right, I do.

3.) Patriots have destroyed everyone - Yes, the records of who they have played hasn’t been very good. But the Chargers are still good. They have all the same people as last year. The Jets are still good. They have all the same people. What’s the difference? Coaching? Perhaps. But let’s not downplay the teams they have played. And all the teams they have played, they’ve destroyed. Even if they were all bad. They destroyed them. Except perhaps the Browns. That was just a beat down, but the Browns played the Pats pretty well.

4.) Wade Phillips (The Cowboys coach) - He’s not very good. I think that’s all I need to say.

5.) Tom Brady - He’s been having a career year. Why would it stop now? The Cowboys defense, you say? Seriously? They’re 12th in pass defense. Good, but not Top 5. This is Tom Brady we’re talking about kids.

6.) Randy Moss - Remember the freakishly good wide receiver we knew in Minnesota? Well, guess what? He’s back. And he has a Hall of Fame quarterback throwing to him. Do you know what that means? A Hall of Fame quarterback throwing to a Hall of Fame wide receiver? Not to mention Moss has OWNED the Cowboys when he's played them. 675 yards? 10 Total TD's? Don’t get me wrong. I respect the Dallas offense. But after Tony Romo’s shitfest against the Buffalo defense on Monday Night Football? There going to need to play a lot better and without as many mistakes. Seriously. I’m gonna lead this into Number 7:

7.) Bill Belichick - All that cheating stuff aside. The guy is a defensive GENIUS. If I had to, I would look up quarterback’s first starts against Belichick to back up my point. But I don’t think I have enough readers for that. Feel free to look it up for me and refute my point. I’m not worried about it, though. Tony Romo will have a horrible game against a defensive scheme he has never even come close to seeing. Done, son.

8.) Terrell Owens - He kind of hinted that the Cowboys were going to win. Wait, not hinted. He pretty much stated it. Let’s just put it this way: T.O. is going to get rocked by Rodney Harrison. At least once. And I will giggle when that happens. I don’t not like T.O. or anything, but I do think he just needs to get smacked into a concussion. Let’s put it that way.

9.) The Cowboys are America’s Team - And as we all know--the Patriots are… I don’t even know how to put this… not America’s team? And if you’ve watched the Patriots in the past couple of years, it doesn’t matter if the Patriots are the favorite in Vegas. They take any major slight as a reason to win. Especially if everyone is picking them to lose with a team like the Cowboys. The game’s in Dallas, too. America’s team is going to lose, I can’t wait. It’ll be funny.

10.) Patriots Running Game - Even if Maroney doesn’t play we have Sammy Morris and Kevin Faulk. I don’t even have to go on about this. If Maroney plays, all done. Game over. If he doesn’t? Sammy Morris is pretty good. And we got Kevin Faulk on 3rd downs, as well as the best receiving corps on the league. I COULD BE THE FUCKING RUNNING BACK IN THIS SYSTEM! Tom Brady at quarterback. Randy Moss, Donte Stallworth, Wes Welker, Ben Watson. Do I need to go on? No, I don’t.

Week 6 Power Sixteen

1.) New England Patriots (5 - 0 - LW: 1) - With each week, the possibility of them going undefeated grows. And the possibility of me killing myself for not taking Tom Brady.

2.) Indianapolis Colts (5 - 0 - LW: 3) - I'm pretty sure I could rush for 100 yards as long as Peyton Manning was the QB.

3.) Dallas Cowboys (5 - 0 - LW: 2) - I'm not entirely sure how they beat the Bills Monday night. But they did so... there you go.

4.) Pittsburgh Steelers (4 - 1 - LW: 6) - Just when I was beginning to entertain the thought of the Seahawks being good... they get raped by the Steelers.

5.) Green Bay Packers (4 - 1 - LW: 4) - I still think they might not be very good. I have a feeling I'm right, too. A really big, would put money on it feeling.

6.) Washington Redskins (3 - 1 - LW: 11) - Not only did they put up 34 points, but they held the previously juggernaut Detroit offense to 3 points. A field goal. That's it.

7) Jacksonville Jaguars (3 - 1 - LW: 7) - They didn't destroy the Chiefs or anything, but they won decisively. And that's good enough for me.

8.) Tennessee Titans (3 - 1 - LW: 8) - Just like last year, they're not destroying teams or anything, but they are finding a way to win week in and week out.

9.) Baltimore Ravens (3 - 2 - LW: 13) - Although a 9-7 win over the 49ers is pretty shitty... it's still a win. And probably a reflection of what they're record will be this year.

10.) Seattle Seahawks (3 - 2 - LW: 5) - Too much of a drop? Absolutely fucking not.

11.) Arizona Cardinals (3 - 2 - LW: 14) - While I think the Cardinals are mediocre at best in the long haul with Kurt Warner, I have been wrong before. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen.

12.) San Diego Chargers (2 -3 - LW: Not Ranked) - They made the Broncos look like bitches on Sunday. And they also looked like the Chargers of last year. As much as I think L.T. is a pussy, they look like they're on the way up. And what about Michael Turner? Dude's a beast.

13.) New York Giants (3 - 2 - LW: Not Ranked) - Did they play good on Sunday? Or was it just that the Jets fucking blow? Or that Eric Mangini got lucky last year and he sucks at coaching? I don't know. I think it's a mixture of all of those things.

14.) Houston Texans (3 - 2 - LW: 15) - They need Andre Johnson back. With him, they're a legit contender.

15.) Oakland Raiders (2 -2 - LW: Not Ranked) - Here's to LaMont Jordan coming back this week. If not, they're fucked. And so is my fantasy team.

16.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3 - 2 - LW: 10) - At least they show support for they're injured running backs. What if Earnest Graham gets knocked out this week? Who's they're RB then?

Cowboys @ Bills - $$$

Honestly... I don't think the Bills are gonna blow tonight. Think about it. It's their first prime-time game in like... 100 years or so? And that is why I took the Bills, with a friend and got 10 points for 10 bucks. I know, I know, the line is 10 1/2... but my friend is a bitch, and I like to make things interesting. So here we go... the top 3 reasons I even thought to take the Bills on Monday night... for money.

1.) It's the first Monday night game (or Sunday night) for the Bills in... I can't even remember.

This is like a kid going who by all means isn't a dork, but never really got any play in high school. But then, senior year, he scores a bomb bitch for the prom and pulls out all the stops. Expensive cologne, a nasty suit, sneaks some booze in a water bottle to loosen her up a bit... is everyone getting this comparison? I hope so, because it makes sense to me.

But then again, I'm seven Jack Daniel drinks deep. So exuse my analogies if they make no sense.
2.) The Bills are bustin out the retro uniforms.

And as we learned from the Eagles retarded ass uniforms... teams play good when they look mad gay.

3.) It's in Buffalo. And all that country singers guy's are there for Monday night. And their rowdy.

It's a home game in Buffalo. And tying this into number one, this shit hasn't happened in a while. And if I've learned anything from this NFL season, anything can happen. Let's hope so, for my wallet.

Week 5 picks

I procrastinate way too much... and so, last weeks picks were pathetically short. And this weeks will be, too. I'm way too tired to write anything too long and tonight is the first night I can get some nice solid, sober sleep in, especially since I have to work in the morning. So, here's the picks. I doubt they'll be good, but who cares.

Texans, Titans, Jaguars, Giants, Saints, Cardinals, Pats, Steelers, Skins, Colts, Broncos, Ravens, Packers, Cowboys.

Last week: 8-8. Season: 23-25.

Week 5 Power Sixteen

After some feedback, I decided to up the Power Ten to a Power Sixteen. It adds some parity and shows the major teams in the playoff hunt. And that's always good.

#1 New England Patriots (4-0) - Serious talk of them going undefeated has officially begun.

#2 Dallas Cowboys (4 -0 ) - Week 6 vs. New England is on at 4:15? What the fuck happened to NBC's flex schedule?

#3 Indianapolis Colts (4 - 0) - It was close for a bit, but they sprung that game against the Broncos wide open.

#4 Green Bay Packers (4 - 0) - Still undefeated. And it seems the only threat they have now in the division is the... Lions?

#5 Seattle Seahawks (3 - 1) - There was talk of the 49ers giving the Hawks a run for there money for the NFC West. Guess not.

#6 Pittsburgh Steelers (3 - 1) - Week 5 against the Seahawks should show if the Steelers are for real.

#7 Jacksonville Jaguars (2 - 1) - Coming off a bye week to play the Chiefs. They should be fine.

#8 Tennessee Titans (2 - 1) - Vince Young is improving each week. Kind of like last year...

#9 Detroit Lions (3 - 1 ) - I never would have thought that the Lions would be this high on a Power Rankings list... will they keep it up? I'm predicting no.

#10 Tampa Bay Bucs (3 - 1) - I know Cadillac Williams is gone for the season and I considered dropping them down a bit for that but... this year's been fucking crazy. Watch Earnest Graham become the next Frank Gore.

#11 Washington Redskins (2 - 1) - They could have easily won that game against the Giants in Week 3. They play the enigma that is the Detroit Lions next and we'll know a lot more about both teams after the game.

#12 Denver Broncos (2 - 2) - I'm not sure exactly what caused the second half breakdown in the game against the Colts, but I'm still standing by that this is a solid team.

#13 Baltimore Ravens (2 - 2) - A loss to the Browns could have dropped them down quite a bit, but you know what? I think the Browns are actually good this year.

#14 Arizona Cardinals (2 - 2) - A win against a very good Steelers team gets them some respect in the rankings. Even if their QB situation is incredibly fucked up and weird.

#15 Houston Texans (2 - 2) - I'm keeping them relatively high since they lost to the Colts (good) and Falcons who I don't know what to think of.

#16 Cleveland Browns (2 - 2) - I've always thought that the Browns have had some talent on both sides of the ball and a great head coach. They just haven't had a QB... for fucking ever. Now, Dereck Anderson looks halfway decent. And for them, that will bode well... I think.

Week 4 NFL picks

I'm way too hung over to write anything sooooo... here's the picks. I wouldn't put any money on them though--I'm 15-17 on the season. Which I guess isn't that bad but... I dunno.

Vikings, Raiders, Jets, Falcons, Lions, Ravens, Cowboys, Panthers, Seahawks, Chargers, Steelers, Broncos, Giants, Pats

The Week 4 Power Ten

Ranking thirty two teams just does not make sense to me. Why rank the bums in the 19-32 category? Or for that matter, after the top ten? Everyone knows they suck, why do we need to rank how much they suck? That's always befuddled me...

Here at Football Crack though, each week I will present the Power Ten: the top ten teams going into the following week. Let's get started.

#1 New England Patriots (3-0) - 38-14, 38-14, 38-7. Those were the final scores of the first three Patriots games. I'm not even going to say anything else, because I don't need to.

#2 Dallas Cowboys (3-0) - I've been saying all season long, they had the NFC East on LOCK. Now, they have the entire NFC on lock. They play the Pats on October 14th--too bad it's not a Sunday or Monday night game: it could be a Super Bowl preview. Bill Parcells must be kicking himself in the ass right now.

#3 Indianapolis Colts (3-0) - They showed weakness against the Titans AND Texans but they still pulled out the win both weeks. And as we all know, that's all that matters.

#4 Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0) - They had an off year last year, but they look like the Steelers that won the Super Bowl two years ago. Bill Cowher might be kicking himself in the ass, as well.

#5 Green Bay Packers (3-0) - Yes, I know. It even feels weird putting them this high. However, I still say the Chargers are the same team as last year. They were just too cocky, but they've been knocked on their ass and will improve as the season progresses. And the Pack pulled off a win against arguably the most talented team, pound for pound, man for man. And for that, I have to give them the #5 spot.

#6 Jacksonville Jaguars (2-1) - I held the Broncos in very high regard before they lost to the Jaguars Sunday afternoon. I mean, I still do--but the game made me look at the Jaguars differently than I had before. It's still early in the season but it seems Jack Del Rio made the right choice going with David Garrard over Byron Leftwich at QB.

#7 Baltimore Ravens (2-1) - They barely beat the Cardinals, true. But they pulled out the win. And just as I said with the Colts, that's all that matters in the NFL.

#8 Seattle Seahawks (2-1) - I'm still not sold on the Seahawks. I honestly believe they will lose to the 49ers. And the anemic play of Alex Smith aside, an impressive "this division is ours" win on Sunday will definately change my mind.

#9 Denver Broncos (2-1) - Jay Cutler is still growing as a QB. From what we've seen this season, they lost to a great Jacksonville team, so there really isn't anything to be worried about it.

#10 Tennessee Titans (2-1) - By all accounts, Tennessee could be 3-0 if they had pulled off the win in Indy. So I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and have them cap off the Power Ten. They looked impressive against New Orleans Monday night. Maybe it was because New Orleans sucks this year, maybe not. None-the-less the Titans are for real.


The list may be controversial, but please, if you disagree, skewer me in the Comments section. For real. I don't get a lot of comments. At least not yet.

And before I end the post, I went 7-9 last week so... there you go. I officially have no fucking clue what I'm talking about prediction wise, apparently. But you have to admit, this 2007 season has been pretty fucked up so far. At least that's what I 'm saying to make myself feel better.

Week 3 picks

I was 8-8 last week with picks... which if viewed in baseball terms means I'm batting .500. Which is awesome. But since the NFL isn't viewed in basball terms (it's viewed in football terms..) 8-8 isn't very good. Like a regular season record, it oozes mediocrity, yet it teases. As long as you didn't go 12-4 the previous season, 8-8 means your on the fucking up and up, baby.

However... (here comes a disclaimer of sorts) I have decided, for qualities sake.. that picking every single game, every single week is a bit much. I mean geez, I work two jobs, need eight hours of sleep each night MINUMUM to not be a douchebag for the first 3-4 hours I'm awake, and not to mention I have a kid on the way... so suffice to say, I have a lot of shit to deal with. As much as I would like to sit down and write about all 12-16 games going each week, I can't. So even though the ESPN Knee-Jerk question post was a complete disaster (the questions were sent in by fucking retards, read the previous post for more incite), I'm still going to rip off the world wide leader. Kind of.

John Clayton's 1st and 10? What?

How about Football Crack's...

4th and 5? Huh? How cool is that?

...Hello? Does anyone even read this fucking blog? Whatever... LET'S DO THIS! RAAARF! (That's supposed to simulate, in words, a bark of sorts. Think Rampage Jackson but with a dog. And less gay...





:O?

Just kidding.

No, for real. That howl gets me pumped up, Quentin. Whenever you do it I funnel a beer. Seriously. The howl is the farthest of far, gay-wise. Really, the sad part is it's true. But at least I don't funnel Natty Ices..

Or.. do I?

Anyway, I'm only going to comment on five games a week. I'll show my picks for every other game following my fantastic commentaries.

Week 3 picks:

Buffalo @ New England - Since I am a shamless Patriots fan, I will no doubt pick their game as one of my five picks of the week. And most likely, I will pick them to win.

Fuck it, I will definately, always, pick them to win. What kind of person picks AGAINST their home town team? I don't care if your from Detroit, you just don't do it. None-the-less, I will show my football knowledge with this simple statement:

Even though it directly conflicts with my fantasy matchup this week, Lawrence Maroney's breakout party will begin this week. He will have a beastly week against the Bills. If not, don't worry, I'll call myself on it.

In fact, some of my best writing comes from when I make fun of myself.

Hmm...

Detroit @ Philadelphia - Philly is overrated and Donovan McNabb can't even hit Kevin Curtis on a short out route, for not only the win, but my fantasy destiny in Week 2. Thanks again, Donovan. :D

And no, I'm not racist.

COME ON! I listen to rap music.

That's a valid reason, right? And how could I be racist if my starting QB this week is David Garrard? He's black... aaaaaand he's a quarterback.

Will I be pissed if he throws for 70 yards, no TD's and three picks? Of fucking course, I will. Will the verbal slanders I unleash upon him after such a performance rival Alex Smiths, the 49ers white QB after his last two performances?

Probably not. Garrard is a better QB than Smith at this point in time. And Alex Smith, thus far, is the most overrated QB in the league. Some prospect, he's been. Steelers will destroy the 49ers this week. Guaranteed.


Cincinnati @ Seattle - I put quite a bit of money on Cincy this week. Whether or not that amount of money is more or less than $10 shall remain to be seen.

Yes, Cincy's defense is fucking horrendous. But...

Yes, Carson Palmer will have a monstrous day. My fantasy opponent this week has him as one of their two starting QB's, though. :/

At least I gots Rudi Johnson! :)

Cincinnati will win, though. It's my NO DOUBT PICK OF THE WEEK!

Dallas @ Chicago - I can and will, never take Rex Grossman seriously. As a person? Sure, he's a nice guy. But as an NFL QB? I think I might be able to do better.

Dallas has the NFC East on LOCKDOWN! There! I said it AGAIN! And I'll say it every week until I'm proven wrong, and forced to make a post making fun of myself to counteract it.

I doubt I will have to, though.



Tennessee @ New Orleans - Yes, New Orleans has sucked so far this season. No, they will not lose to the Titans on their home turf in LA.

Yes, I need to cut this post short because I'm tired and have been drinking Natty Ices all night.

But quickly, the rest of my picks!

Miami, Pittsburgh, San Diego, K.C., St. Louis, Baltimore, Indy, Cleveland, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Washington.

Last week: 8-8. This week: The universe!

ESPN Knee Jerk Questions

I like to get ideas for posts sometimes by ripping off the questions ESPN asks it's expert panelists. Scummy? Probably. Do I care? Nope.

Let's get started...

1.) Sorry '72 Dolphins, Patriots to go undefeated.

On paper, yes, I think this could happen. But as we learned from the past few years Colts teams, keeping your team healthy and rested for the playoffs is more important than going undefeated, but increasing the risk of fucking it up and not sweeping the board in the playoffs.

Before I saw the Cincinatti Bengals defense last week, I thought the Monday night game in Week 4 might be a problem. But now, I don't think so. I mean, I could fucking throw for 300 and 3 TD's on that D. The Cowboys in Week 6 has some potential to be a deal-breaker, as well as Week 9 against the Colts. How the Colts game isn't a Sunday or Monday night game befuddles me greatly. Hold on, let's go check the games that did get picked. Dallas @ Philly on Sunday night and Baltimore @ Pittsburgh on Monday night. Not bad games, but come on. Maybe the NFL figured the Pats would have the AFC East all but locked up by then, which could be the case. Whatever.

Week 12 it's a Sunday night game against Philly followed by a Week 13 Monday night matchup against the Ravens. Two potential losses right there, as well as Week 14 against Pittsburgh. Other than that though, it looks like smooth sailing for the Patriots. They're bound to lose at least one of those games, it's just how the NFL works. Teams have off weeks. I have a feeling though they'll lose their first game in an upset to the fucking Dolphins or something, though. So the answer to this question is: The Patriots will most likely not go undefeated, but there'd be no fucking way I'd bet that they wouldn't either. 15-1 sounds about right, though.

2. The Saints are back to being the 'Aints.

First off, people react way too fucking quickly to things that happen in the NFL. The Saints are only 0-2 folks, yes, they looked horrible, but they have yet to play at home where they were fucking magical last year. I'm not even old enough to remember the Saints being called the 'Aints, and if I am, I must have deliberately chose to ignore the term since it's so queer.

For all we know, the Bucs are a good team. I highly doubt it, but you never know. And the other Saints loss was to the Colts. Didn't they win the Super Bowl last year? Yes, it was a rape job, but it was Week 1. There is 17 weeks in the NFL season. So let's calm down, please. The Saints are not back to being the 'Aints. And if it ends up as such, please, let's not call them that.

3. Steelers vs. Cowboys for the 4th time in the Super Bowl.

I like the Cowboys a lot. I think they're a lock to win the NFC East, and since the NFC is pretty weak, the whole conference as well. The Steelers are 2-0 and look pretty good, but they play in the same conference as the Colts, Ravens and Patriots. AND IT'S ONLY WEEK 3! THERE'S SEVENTEEN WEEKS! WHY ARE WE EVEN SAYING THE WORDS 'SUPER' AND 'BOWL' YET?

So let's save this question for hmm.. I don't know--Week 14?

4. Damn straight, the Pack is back!

I guess this one all depends on how you define 'back'. If you define it as not sucking ass for the whole entire season and being albeit, even a small, contender--then yes, the Pack is back. Like every other fucking question, it's Week 3. They haven't even played a notable contender yet and yes, even though they're in a weak NFC North, let's save the judgement please. They play San Diego this week, so if they're D plays up to par and it's not a total blow out then yes, the Pack is back!

5. Bad apple: Jets, Giants to go winless in 2007?

I don't know who asked these questions, but they're fucking retarded. Two teams going winless? Are you serious? The more relevant question would be, are they both going to finish at or below .500? I think the Jet's will finish 7-9 and the Giants 5-11.

But both of them going winless? I'm never using ESPN's Knee-Jerk questions for content, ever, ever again.

6. Bank on it: Texans will make the playoffs.

Um, no.

They've looked good, yes. But they've beaten the Chiefs who by all accounts suck... a lot, and they've beaten the Panthers who by all accounts... I don't even know. They could be good, could be bad. It's basically a toss up for them.

They play in a division with the Colts and Titans and could technically snag the second wild card spot if the Bengals are as bad as they played last week. But I doubt it. Maybe if Andre Johnson was playing this week and they stole one from the Colts--but he's not, so they won't.

And since all but one of these knee-jerk questions sucked... I'm going to make up my own:

7. The Razor's Edge in Arizona? Edgerrin James back to top form?

Yes. But nothing was really wrong with him, just his blocking and team as a whole.

I ready somewhere that Edge was asking all his coaches, new and old this past off-season what he did wrong last year. What happened? How could he improve? Nothing, they all said. For the most part they were suprised he got as many yards as he did with such horrible fucking blocking. So, with an improved O-Line and an improving Matt Leinart at QB, Edgerrin James will be one of the top 3 backs in the NFL at years end.

WEEK 2 NFL PICKS

Well, the first week of the 2007 football season is out of the way. Many dollars were lost, beers drank and chicken consumed. Personally, I didn't eat any chicken last week but am looking to change this on Sunday by mowing some buffalo chicken wings. I didn't lose any money either, although I only won $10 out of a possible $40, so technically I lost 30 POTENTIAL dollars. But fuck it, that $10 made sure I drank some beers for free, and I'm not even going to elaborate on that one. Anyway, Week One is out of the way and we're on to Week Two. Here's the picks (with cool little precursors before them, as well as more long term predictions for the season, since I missed the Week One post last week):


IS BUFFALO FOR REAL? (CAN YOU BE FOR REAL IF YOU ONLY SCORE 14 POINTS THE PREVIOUS WEEK?)

Buffalo @ Pittsburgh - This is the first year I've ever put a large sum (for me, anyway) of money on a fantasy league. $150 to be exact. And the winner's pot could be as big as $750, which is a lot of fucking money. Anyway, I found it hard not to factor in my fantasy players into predictions when I was playing in FREE leagues, nevermind one with 750 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers on the line. Even though I think Big Ben and Santonio Holmes will hook up for two scores, I still think Buffalo will eke out a win. And yes, I realize that J.B.C. comment is about 6 months too old.

Buffalo - 23 / Pittsburgh - 20


HOW DO WE EVEN KNOW MATT SCHAUB IS GOOD YET?

Houston @ Carolina - I don't understand how people are 'hopping on the bandwagon' of a team whose quarterback has one career win. This team of course, is the Houston Texans. And their quarterback is of course, Matt Schaub. And I am of course, taking the Panthers in this one. Sorry, Houston.

Carolina - 21 / Houston - 10


JOEY HARRINGTON. HOW DO THEE LOSE GAMES? LET US COUNT THE WAYS.

Atlanta @ Jacksonville - I have absolutely no fucking clue what to make of this Atlanta team. They looked horrible last week, yes, but i was Week One. Give em' a break! Even so, I don't think they'll win this one. Mainly because until Joey Harrington shows some consistancy, and that he's not retarded, I'm going to pick against them. I'm cool like that.

Jacksonville - 27 / Atlanta - 17 (Oh yeah, M.J.D. is gonna have a huge day, too. You heard it here, first.)


THE BLOWOUT SPECIAL OF THE WEEK!

New Orleans @ T.B. - I don't like Tampa Bay at all. I think they suck. I don't like anything about their team except Cadillac Williams, who's listed as questionable. And no, I don't like Ronde Barber, even though he's good and probably not as annoyingly queer as his brother. Because of all of this, and the fact that I think the New Orleans offense is going to go fucking apeshit after last week's blowout loss to the Colts, I'm going to take the Saints.

New Orleans - 38 / T.B. - 13


JARED LORENZEN TOSSES IT DEEP TO BURRESS AND IT IS... INTERCEPTED!

Green Bay @ N.Y.G. - Brett Favre is like, 373 years old. Jared Lorenzen weighs like, 373 pounds. Future Hall of Famer, or a guy who has never started a game, and is the odds on favorite to be the next Burger King sponsor? Does this guy know he's playing in the NFL? Wouldn't it behoove him to lose a bit of weight? Seriously, what does that dude do at weight training sessions, eat B.L.T.'s? Chalk one up for the Pack.

Green Bay - 21 / N.Y.G. - 10


REMEMBER THE ARIZONA CARDINALS LAST YEAR? ALL THE NEWS STORIES AND FEEL GOOD ARTICLES ABOUT THE PLAYERS? WELL, THE 49ERS FEEL A LOT LIKE DEJA VU.

San Francisco @ St. Louis - I think attempting to make a sleeper pick at the beginning of a season is fucking retarded. Some teams who lost in previous years eventually win after progressing a few years? Weird. It's stupid. Yes, some teams will do much better than people thought. No, I will not spend countless hours pouring over statistics trying to figure out who it will be. Most likely, you'll pick a dud, and a horrible dud at that, thus making yourself look like an asshole. While the Rams were more of a sleeper pick last year than this one, I do think they'll improve this year. San Francisco on the other hand, who every media outlet from Connetticut to fucking Madrid has picked as the '2007 NFL sleeper', will probably go 8-8. Maybe 7-9. Look for the Rams to rape the 49ers in this one. And if I'm wrong, well, that would suck. But I'll deal with it.

St. Louis - 31 / San Francisco - 20


CARSON PALMER'S BREAKOUT YEAR BEGINS NOW. BUT WILL BRADY QUINN'S BEGIN AS WELL?

Cincinnati @ Cleveland - Last year, the Bengals underachieved in every sense of the word. Carson Palmer is a very good quarterback, though. And it's common knowledge it takes about 2 years to fully recover from an ACL injury. Palmer is arguably the most accurate in the game (aside from Mr. P. Manning). And while many people will disagree with me, I think he will live up to or even surpass the precedents that Peyton Manning has set in the NFL. Plus, I have Rudi Johnson on my lots o'money fantasy team and he better step it the fuck up against Cleveland. On a sidenote, I think Cleveland has definite potential on both sides of the ball. They just need a higher than AA quarterback leading the offense. He's going to be the QB for the future and I just hope Romeo Crennell puts him in soon. He's a fantastic coach and I think the All American Notre Dame QB can give him what he's been missing his whole career: a compatant quarterback. Even if he is a rookie.

Cincinnati - 28 / Cleveland - 16


AS MUCH AS I HATE TO ADMIT IT, PEYTON MANNING IS THE BEST IN THE GAME. AND ALTHOUGH I DON'T BELIEVE IN CURSES, JINXES, ETC. I THINK THE MADDEN JINX IS A REALLY HORRIBLE FUCKING COINCIDENCE THAT HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR LIKE, 7 YEARS.

Indianapolis @ Tennessee - As much as I tried to convince myself that losing Tarik Glenn would shake up Peyton Manning's world as much as it shook up mine this morning after finding out McDonald's breakfast ends at 10:30 (Why the fuck would it end at such a gay time? Why wouldn't they bump it up to 11?), I unfortunately think I am mistaken. I humbly admit that Peyton Manning will probably be the best QB in NFL history, not to mention currently (Followed side by side by Tom Brady, with Carson Palmer riding both of their asses). He got the monkey off his back with last year's Super Bowl and despite expert criticism that he wouldn't have as much drive, he apparently still has lots; rivaled only by his desire to be in 60% of the commercials on any given Sunday. Having Joseph Addai in the backfield, who I think will be the next L.T., doesn't hurt much either. And on the defensive side? Bob Sanders is fire. The Titans on the other hand, have appeared to have the Colts number in recent years. And while I think last year's performance by Vince Young was no fluke, I do think it was helped along a bit by a one Pacman Jones. Without him, the Titans are a 9-7 team AT BEST. And even at their best, they might steal a game from Indy. But not this one.

Indianpolis - 34 / Tennessee - 20


I REALLY HOPE ADRIAN PETERSON DOESN'T HAVE A MONSTER YEAR. I SWEAR, I'LL PUNCH MYSELF IN THE NUTS.

Minnesota @ Detroit - I'm trying not to focus too much on fantasy here, but after last week, I'm fucking bullshit I didn't land Adrian Peterson. I wanted either him, Calvin Johnson or Marshawn Lynch, since it's a keeper league and I failed miserably at obtaining any of them (It was an auction draft, cut me some fucking slack). Detroit on the other hand, is another popular 'sleeper' pick, however I cannot take any team too seriously that has Jon Kitna at QB. The defense shows some promise, the receiving corps is nasty and the Tatum Bell/Kevin Jones RBBC could definitively be a top 5 tandem. Jon Kitna though? Sorry. At least until he shows me he can win a game that isn't against the Raiders. (On a sidenote, I won a $75 dollar bet last year after claiming Mr. Kitna would not make the Pro Bowl. He came close, but close means jack shit. Not to mention, I'm a fucking genius.)

Minnesota - 26 / Detroit - 20


THE DALLAS COWBOYS: A MORTAL LOCK TO WIN THE NFC EAST.

Dallas @ Miami - In all honesty, I think the Cowboys have the NFC East on lock down. Tony Romo played enough last season that I can't seem to believe he was a one-year fluke, not to mention the defense is young, fast and talented. Miami on the other hand? There defense is filthy. At least it should be. But Trent Green is past his prime and Ronnie Brown will need to step up for this team to be a true contender.

Dallas - 24 / Miami - 10


THE NOT THAT SUPRISING UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK!

Seattle @ Arizona - I don't like Shaun Alexander. Never have, never will. I believe he, as well as Matt Hassleback are past their prime. Arizona on the other hand? I think they're on the way up, and they definately should have won that fucking game against the 49ers last week. As long as Leinart can realize he's not Rico Sauve on the football field, I think they'll be alright. Edge for Comeback Player of the Year.

Arizona - 23 / Seattle - 17


SNITCHES GET STITCHES AND THROWN INTO DITCHES. CINDERELLA STORY LAST YEAR, CRASH AND FUCKING BURN STORY THIS YEAR. J! E! T! S! WE SUCK ASS!

N.Y.J. @ Baltimore - I hope Baltimore fucking destroy the Jets this week. I didn't like Mangina last year, and after he ratted out his former mentor last week, I lost the small amount of respect I had left for him. You don't snitch, son. Period.

Baltimore - 20 / N.Y.J. - 9


JOSH MCCOWN. WHY IS HE STARTING?

Oakland @ Denver - This is assuming Josh McCown is starting for this game. Well, even if he isn't and it's Culpepper, the Raiders will still lose so... does it really matter?

Denver - 23 / Oakland - 10


THE SUPRISING UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK!

Kansas City @ Chicago - Since last week's loss, everyone is seemingly writing off the rest of the Chiefs season. Yes, Damon Huard is their quarterback, but Larry Johnson is a fucking beast. And depending on how he does in this game, I might just pull the trigger on a trade proposal. I cannot begin to believe that he'll just drop off for the rest of the season and not do shit. If he does, the Chiefs are fucked. But he won't. On the Bears side of things, how is Rex Grossman still starting? Could he even start on a quarter of the other teams? I doubt it.

K.C. - 17 / Chicago - 13


IF NEW ENGLAND LOSES THIS GAME, I WILL PERSONALLY WRITE A POST ABOUT HOW I SUCK AT LIFE. AND HOW THE PATRIOTS SUCK AT LIFE, TOO. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN THOUGH, SO DON'T WORRY.

San Diego @ New England - The Patriots cheated. We know. But it didn't affect last week's game and they've been punished for it. So can we please stop talking about it? I've never had a gut feeling more than that the Patriots are going to beat the Chargers on Sunday night. I'd bet my left nut. Really, I would.

New England - 34 / San Diego - 24


AND POLE POSITION FOR SECOND PLACE IN THE NFC EAST GOES TO...

Washington @ Philadelphia - As long as Donovan McNabb doesn't get injured, I don't see why the Eagles would have a problem coasting to an NFC wild card spot. And who knows, they might challenge the Cowboys for the NFC East title. However, the Redskins could fuck up that whole scenario by winning this game on Monday night.


Philadelphia - 24 / Washington - 21