SportsCrack

NFL Powerless Rankings - September 3rd, 2008

By Josh Galligan

After some low to mild success with my MLB Powerless Rankings, I felt it was only right to spread the nearly non-existent buzz to the wondrous NFL world we all know and love. If you’ve never read any types of Power Rankings then you’re either lying to yourself or you don’t know how to read. Since your reading this, we’ve just eliminated one half of those. Liar.

Any questions?


What are the Powerless Rankings?

The Powerless Rankings are a set of rankings that focus on the bottom five teams in the league at a given time (weekly). We pay so much attention to all the good teams -- ranking them and verbally commending them -- why should the bad teams be left out in the cold (besides that they’re horrible)?

Although it’s exciting at the beginning of the year because it tends to enflame fans of particular teams much more than during the mid-season mark, the rankings will eventually feature a top 5 as well. So they’ll start out strictly powerless but end up getting pretty powerful. Don’t worry though; I’ve heard that they end up coexisting together quite nicely from the three people who’ve read the MLB version.


How do I know if the Powerless Rankings are for me?

If you’re easily enraged and/or lack the ability to admit that your hometown team may not be stacked at every position, I suggest you turn away. Just pretend this article was about hamsters or something. What are you reading this for? You don’t even like hamsters! Go away!
Other than that, I don’t think there’s anything else that needs explaining. The rankings start at 28th and move down to 32nd in what is a warped, sorry excuse to try and build some suspense. The “winner” is basically the “loser”. It’s really quite ironic.


Do you realize that you’re essentially asking yourself questions?

Yes, yes I do. But hey, being on house arrest in the interests of being a good father and being at home with my daughter (while the other half works the overnights) does have its benefits! I have so much time on my hands that not only can I ask myself questions, but I can also pound out random articles that randomly appear in my head.


Will you please shut up and get on with this already?

Yes. My fault...





NFL Powerless Rankings – September 3rd


28. Miami Dolphins

Sure, the Dolphins team as a whole has improved since last year’s one-win pathetic fest, but not that much. In fact, they no longer have Jason Taylor who (in addition to salsa dancing) was a pretty big part of their defense for last very long time. Wait a second, aren’t Jason Taylor’s replacements Vonnie Holliday and Kendall Langford? Uh, yeah, that’s a bit of a downgrade I would say.

Joey Porter is also reportedly overreacting to minor injuries as if they are career threatening in nature, which sounds suspiciously to me like someone isn’t too high on playing on a rebuilding team again this year. As much as I’ll admit that the offensive unit has some rising young stars on it, the defense, at least for this year, aren’t going to be accomplishing too much outside of establishing a new identity.

Stock: Rising


29. San Francisco 49ers

As highly as you hold Mike Martz, you still have to know that even he can’t do the impossible. A lot of people are of the belief that he’s going to radically transform the offense into a well-oiled, Rams team of yore-esque, machine. Don’t get me wrong, the offense is going to get better. But they also don’t have anywhere else to go but up.

Barring J.T. O’Sullivan bursting upon the scene in something akin to the Brady/Romo, ‘What’s this guy’s name again?’ mold, the 49ers will only go as far as Frank Gore and the defense can take them.

Stock: At rest


30. Baltimore Ravens

Many people questioned the Ravens early decision to delay the start of the Joey Flacco era, mainly because of the other two options they were considering as starters (Kyle Boller and Troy Smith). In what was a refreshing surprise, the Ravens eventually ended up naming Flacco the starter, which was something their fans had been demanding since he’d been drafted. Although to be fair, they probably only did so because of blatant, recorded evidence contrary to that of their original decision. A smart move if I’ve ever seen one.

The primary staple of team, the defense, isn’t getting any younger, while the offense, which was usually the brunt of the team jokes, is on the rise. It’s a rebuilding year for sure, but at least the rebuilding appears to be going in a productive and sensible direction.

Stock: Dropping


31. Kansas City Chiefs

The Chiefs shored up their team with some solid NFL Draft selections this past April. But unfortunately, they still have major questions at arguably the two most important parts of a football team --Quarterback and the offensive line. As talented as Larry Johnson is, it’s unlikely he’ll be able to carry the offense all by himself.

Until they prove to the contrary (a contrary that is a safe bet not to be proven Sunday), here the Chiefs will stay. Like the 49ers, if the Chiefs do manage to prove me otherwise, you can rest assured I will make fun of myself in the very next installation.

Stock: At rest


And the “winner” is…


32. Atlanta Falcons

Unlike the Ravens, the Falcons decided early on to throw rookie QB Matt Ryan into the starting fire this season. This probably had a lot to do with the fact that they had signed Ryan to a contract that was comparable to the gross income of a small country – but still. That’s neither here nor there. At least they decided what they wanted and they decided it early.

The 2008 Falcons could very well become the staple comparison for a team that is going through a ‘rebuilding year’.
All is not bad, at least on offense. Michael Turner could prove to be a solid starting RB and Roddy White looks to be a top-tier WR. However, clutching at straws isn’t going to get the Falcons any wins, so expect them to make a comfortable living down here in the basement.

Stock: Comfortably at rest

Monday Night Football preview - Ravens @ Steelers

With several of the previous Monday Night match ups being unsavory to say the least, it’s nice to see one that both looks good on paper and means something division wise. While I’m leaning towards a Steelers win, you just never know. So, in the interest of fun, let’s take a look at some factors and storylines for tonight’s game.

Let’s start with a quote from Ray Lewis, the heart and soul of the Baltimore D and probably the only person ever to get barred from being on a Wheaties box:

“I think this game sums up, really the National Football League, and I really think it sums up our division. Nothing is a secret about the way these two teams play against each other. We know it’s going to be physical. They’ve got the No. 1 defense; we’ve got the No. 2 defense. It’s going to be one of those classic games.”

The games last year were certainly not classics, however. Pittsburgh got destroyed 27-0 in Baltimore and then spanked 31-7 in Pittsburgh. But with Ben Roethlisberger’s dome piece apparently feeling much better than last year, and his appendix too, will this year be different? What say you, Mr. Roethlisberger?

"You know how you felt afterward. You got embarrassed twice, once here, once there. It's not a good thing. It leaves a taste in your mouth. They roughed us up, a lot. We need another all-around performance like we had last Sunday, in all phases of the game."

These quotes and stuff are all cool and good, you say, but who fares better in the major football categories? Well, fuck, let’s find out! And without the wise cracks.

Offense

Baltimore – There has been talk of poor offensive play calling effecting Baltimore, but we’ll get to that later in the coaching section. The Ravens are 17^th in the league in offensive YPG (326.7) and 24^th in PPG (17.7).

They have one of the more dynamic backs in the league in Willis McGahee and a proven but aging QB in Steve McNair. The receivers have been less than stellar, with Derrick Mason making up for an under the radar year for the rest of the corps.

The offensive line has been effective blocking for McGahee who’s fifth in the league in rushing yards with 639. They’ve been even more effective protecting Steve McNair, allowing only 4 sacks on the season, tied for first in the league. Not a bad year so far for the Baltimore offensive line, I say.

Pittsburgh – The Pittsburgh offense has been much more potent this year, and it seems they are back to the Steelers smash mouth football of yore. They are 6^th in the league in offensive YPG (361.1) and 5^th in PPG (26.3).

Ben Roethlisberger is having one of the best years of his career with a 102.2 passer rating thus far. Willie Parker is having a spectacular year as well and if it were not for the rookie beast, Adrian Peterson, he might have won the rushing title. As for Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes… while not having monster years, they both are both threats and always viable passing options.

The big men up front, while doing a great job run blocking for Willie Parker, haven’t been as good protecting Ben Roethlisberger. He’s tied for taking the sixth most sacks in the league.

Edge: Steelers. While I would give the nod offensive line wise to the Ravens, the Steelers are running the ball well and passing the ball well. They are back to the smash mouth football they are known for, with a little bit extra.

Defense

Baltimore – The Ravens are 2^nd in the league defensively in YPG (268.0). They are 6^th in the league in PPG (17.0). Obviously they are having another great year defensively, and with Samari Rolle back from an injury, they should get even better. They will have a huge test against the Steelers offense, especially since the only team they’ve played with a great offense was Cincinnati, giving up 27 points in a loss.

Pittsburgh – The Steelers are 1^st in the league in YPG (256.9) and 1^st in PPG (13.0). They are also a lot more proven than Baltimore’s defense, having played Cleveland, Seattle and Cincinnati which were all wins and gave up only 20 combined points to all three.

Edge: Steelers. Easy pick.

Special Teams

Baltimore – Matt Stover has hit 18 of 21 of his kicks going 12-12 under 39 yards and 6-9 from over 40 yards. Not bad. The kick returning team is averaging 27.7 yards per return with 0 touchdowns.

Steelers – Jeff Reed on the other hand has only kicked 11 times, but he’s connected on 10 of them. He’s made all of his kicks that were not over 50 yards. The kick returning team is averaging 25.8 yards per return with 1 touchdown.

Edge: Steelers. Although Reed hasn’t kicked as many as Stover, he’s been more efficient. And the kick return team for the Steelers has the touchdown edge. Done.

Coaching

Baltimore – Brian Billick hasn’t been the most popular play caller this year, even with his own defense. Let’s here what Ray Lewis had to say about him:

“We knew he [Willis McGahee] should have touched the ball when you have a fourth-and-one. Old-school football is old-school football. If there is a yard I need to get, there is a running back, a fullback and an offense that is meant to get that.”

Very true, Ray, very true. He goes on:

"You can't make oranges be peaches. It doesn't change. It will never change. That's what Billick has to ask himself, why we keep putting ourselves in those situations. In the Cincinnati game, that cost us with those same decisions."

Are these accusations true? Thankfully, I know first hand, from my friend 'Killamed' who has Willis McGahee on his fantasy team. Here is what he has to say about Brian Billick's antics:

"He's retarded. I hate him. Who throws twice on the goal line, then brings in Musa Smith on third down when McGahee has been having such a monster day? A pussy, that's who."

Too harsh? Maybe. But what do you expect from someone who has the word 'Killa' in their nickname.

Steelers -- Compared to Billick, any coach could get the nod. But Mike Tomlin has lived up to expectations and brought the Steelers the identity they seemed to lose last year. Plus, he looks exactly like Omar Epps.

Edge -- Steelers.

And... the overall edge goes to the Steelers, in a sweep.

Steelers win 24-13.