Monday, June 30, 2008
Mark Madsen’s 2001 Lakers Parade Speech: An Analytical Breakdown
Yes, this qualifies as the B.N.B. sort-of related to sports video of the day. Yes, it may be a little old. Yes, it is absolutely hilarious. And yes, it’s a little late for a daily video, so what -- wanna fight about it?Anyway, if you’ve read any of my Real Sporting World articles, you know I have a strange fascination with Mark “The Mad Dog” Madsen. I’m guilty of poking fun at him from time to time but really, I respect the man for being himself. He is 110% always the Mad Dog that is Mark Madsen, even if he does often make people doubt that he’s actually a real living human being. He is folks, he is that and more.
If you’ve never heard of Mark Madsen, he is a professional basketball player best known for his bench cheering skills and the unparalleled intensity he exhibits when tossed into a game. Whether or not these things have anything to do with the fact that he’s averaged 12.0 minutes per game for his career (seriously, become a believer: Here). But although one might first notice that the Mad Dog has averaged 2.2 points per game or 0.4 assists is the intangibles he brings to the table. Not only will Madsen give you his all on the court, but he’ll give you his all on the bench as well.
You also might know him best from his Lakers days, because that is when he was most relevant. I’ve taken it upon myself to remind the world of the legend that is Mark Madsen whenever I can, and I figured why not feature him in the BNB video of the day? But what video to pick, for there are so, so many. Then it dawned on me. His legendary speech at the 2001 Lakers Championship Parade. Following the speech is an analytical breakdown, because although it’s pretty straight forward, I knew it would be a blast to do. Enjoy.
(Note: I’ve broken the common trend of how many actual seconds each clip is into the video and replaced it with what it says on the You tube player as you play it. There’s no math involved and as we all know, everybody wins when that‘s the case.)
0:01 - The speech extravaganza host begins his introduction. He pretty much gets it spot on. Even though you’ve already probably heard it, I’ll post what is said for our speaker impaired readers (with my comments in italics in between quotes for the rest of the post):
“Out of the University of Stanford or Stanford University if you like..” This announcer is on his game, he’s attempting to please every possible person who could be at this parade. Well done.
“He was an honor student..” Not surprising.
“He is a crowd favorite..” Also not surprising.
“Didn’t play very much but when he played, he played with an intensity that no other Laker prob--ever exceeded.” Whoever this announcer is, I like him. He doesn’t sugar coat anything, he aims to please and he isn’t afraid to make bold statements if it’s true. He goes to say ‘..no other Laker probably’ but immediately corrects himself because he knows there is no other nominees in the intensity category if Mark Madsen is involved. Bravo!
“He’s the guy who went and picked the other guys’ laundry up and brought it to their rooms. He’s the guy who carried their bags from the hotel lobby up to their rooms.” By other guys’ the announcer means Kobe Bryant. After the bag part, he realizes he’s beginning to downplay the Mad Dog and boos are heard. A professional, he quickly realizes this and spouts:
“That’s enough.” I’m beginning to like this announcer even more than I like Mark Madsen if that’s even possible.
“Mark Madsen!” A thunderous applause is heard. A couple boos as well, but they’re drowned out -- probably due to the fact that whoever was booing was promptly beaten. Dumb asses. Okay, they’re not drowned out completely, but still. This is in Los Angeles! There’s probably some renegade Kings, Warriors and Clippers fans littered throughout the crowd. Yeah, that’s it.
0:38 - The Mad Dog is officially at the microphone at this point. He raises his patented number one finger and thanks the crowd, completely oblivious to the booing. Madsen knows these people are either a) jealous he’s not on there team or b) too drunk to remember when he played that year -- so it’s all good.
“Thank you!” The man is the definition of class.
0:40 - Madsen pauses to let the thank you sink in then offers,
“You are the greatest fans in the world!” Okay, I think we can all agree that this is a blatant lie -- but that isn’t stopping Mark from making it appear and sound as if he sincerely believes this. A maniacal Mad Dog grin completes the whole thing. Not only does he give you 110% on the court and bench, but the man gives it all in the P.R. department as well. Lakers fans the greatest in the world? Haha! Good stuff Mark, I nominate you for an Emmy!
0:43 - Still holding up the number one sign, Mark keeps grinning and let’s what he just said sink in. The man’s a genius. Even Lakers fans know they’re not the greatest in the world, but scream it at a pep rally and let it sink in for a few seconds. ‘Hey, we might just be the greatest fans in the world! Sure, half of the people with Laker flags on their cars wouldn’t be able to name who we played in the Finals -- but who cares! We’re the best in the wooooooooorld!’
0:45 - Madsen punctuates this thinking with a roaring,
“YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!” P.R. Genius.
0:47 - He pauses again then shouts,
“WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!?!” This has absolutely nothing to do with the Lakers team, unless they played this during the season. Which wouldn’t surprise me, but I doubt it. I think it has to do with his nickname more than anything. Yes, I thought of that myself. Regardless, Madsen proves here that he's topical. The man knows what’s in style and he’s aware of his nickname. What more could you want from your 13th man?
0:54 - After a couple of woofs, some expressed bliss when the crowd barks back Madsen gets our bilingual friends involved,
“And for those who speak Spanish: ‘Les hablababes vamos ingles da dimos, que ano benenay, loremos, otra PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!’” Yes, I butchered the shit out of that but the accuracy is not the point. The man prepped his speech with a bit for the Spanish speaking Lakers fans. Nothing needs to be said here, only that is just amazing.
1:08 - Everyone goes wild. I wish I knew what that meant, or maybe everyone is just going wild because it was so out of the blue, legendary and fantastic. Madsen backs from the podium with hands raised, high-fiving his teammates as the crowd goes nuts. Absolutely nuts. Where are the booers now? Huh? Can’t boo someone who just spoke Spanish for no reason, can you?
1:23 - As the crowd goes nuts, the host (?) appears back at the podium with a simple,
“No wonder they call him the Mad Dog.” Indeed. Never before has a nickname fit someone so incredibly well. The man truly is a mad dog. In a good way, of course.
1:28 - Our host concludes with a quick summation of the man as a whole,
“Isn’t he something, and he’s so sincere. Just a great guy.” Say what you want about his intensity, lack of minutes and cheerleader-esque attitude -- but the man wears his heart on his sleeve and he gives 110% no matter what. For that, I applaud you Mark Madsen and I always will. I mean, hey, anyone who can cheer on Kobe Bryant and look like he enjoys must be a great person.
1:33 - The video ends with a shot of Madsen smiling and then putting his head down. Humble. Humble as pie.
What have we learned in this journey? Well, for one -- we’ve learned that Mark Madsen is the man. Two, we’ve learned that sometimes sports biggest stars don’t make their mark by putting up gaudy numbers or winning MVP awards. Sometimes, they leave their mark with effort, being a good teammate and failing to let money affect who they are.
We’ve also learned that Mark Madsen belongs on a particular NBA team where he could make the most impact and be appreciated when doing so. Have you guessed it yet? Come on, think a little harder.. A hint? You seriously want a hint?
They play on the East Coast.
No not the Seattle Supersonics, that‘s the West Coast, dimwit. Think. Another hint? Wow.
They have a player on the team known for giving 110% all the time as well.
The Miami Heat? I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that. Fine, here’s one last one.
The nickname rhymes with 'Meltics'.
That’s right! Your a quick one! The Boston Celtics! In addition to actual basketball talent, they have career bench guys like James Posey (who‘s also talented at basketball to be fair), Brian Scalabrine and Eddie House’s kid! It’s a perfect fit!
Not only have you gotten a refresher course on Mark Madsen as a person, but you’ve also just read the birth piece to a movement designed to get Mark Madsen on the 2009 Boston Celtics roster! A petition’s on the way!
[Note: This article was simultaneously posted @ The Bad News Bloggers -- And yes, I wrote both versions Sherlock]
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Kevin Garnett's Post Game Interview: A Translational Breakdown
Well, the entire thing was crystal clear to me. Call me enlightened, but I was not confused at any moment during the entire interview or the subsequent playbacks. Maybe it’s because I have a ton of common sense and look at things as simply as possible. Or perhaps it just means I’m an absolute genius. No matter, I’ve felt the burden to break down the interview for everyone who may not understand it.
For best results, watch the different time segments in conjunction with the corresponding translation. Yes, it does require a bit of work. Stop being such a lazy bastard. Cue the video!
0:00 Garnett is seen at the beginning the video, holding his hands on each size of his head. It appears he’s squeezing it. He probably feels a little Outer Limits at this point and doesn’t believe what’s going on is actually going on. I sometimes do this as well, but only when I’ve been drinking.
0:07 Garnett begins his speech with a “I’m so hyped right now.” Easily understandable. The man is very hyped! Pretty much everyone who has won an NBA title could probably relate to this statement. I mean, even I said that back in '92 when I won my class spelling bee..
0:22 Garnett goes on to say “Anything is possible!” He then screams it. What he’s trying to convey here is just as it sounds. Anything is possible, kids. Anything. Some people have expressed confusion over this comment and wondered what he meant, since the Celtics had the best regular season record. What Garnett was likely trying to express was his journey from a high school draftee, to his stay in Timberwolves purgatory, followed by his role in helping the Celtics win an NBA title a year after being the worst team in the league.
0:32 Garnett has been mumbling some stuff under his breath, none of it being too coherent. I think I heard a ‘momma’ somewhere in there, too. What he was likely doing here was quickly expressing some things he didn’t want to say directly into the microphone. Just because your being interviewed doesn’t mean you have to share EVERYTHING with the microphone. Common knowledge.
0:42 Garnett is crying at this point. You don’t need to be a genius to realize that these are tears of joy and also because he hasn’t slept more than a couple of hours this past month. He’s probably really, really looking forward to getting some shuteye. So it’s probably a mixture of those two things.
1:02 This is where all the shout outs start. It doesn’t make too much sense in trying to understand exactly what he’s saying here. He’s giving shout outs to all of his friends and family throughout the country. I know some of my friends have some pretty crazy nicknames that wouldn’t make too much sense if I was trying yell them during a live interview. “Snyder! Scally! Everybody!!!” It’s also interesting to note that Garnett is clutching his hat here as well, almost as if he thinks it might fall off. Again, the entire thing is probably very surreal. It’s not out of the question to think that Garnett may have thought that if his hat fell off, he would wake up and realize this was all just a dream. Yeah, that’s a logical conclusion, let’s go with that.
1:12 Still some shout outs going on here. Then there’s another shout out to his mother, with this one coming through loud and clear as he looks at the camera. That’s the official one. You ALWAYS have to shout out your mom if you ever win anything significant and then get interviewed on live television. Yes, dad’s get the shaft somewhat here, but they care more about the actual title where the mom’s care more about their kid being interviewed on live television. So a clear mom shout out here. Very nice.
1:22 This part is the already infamous “Top of the world” part. Kevin doesn’t elaborate very much on his top of the world screams, but seriously, do you need him to? He’s on the top of the world! That means he’s happy, he’s done what he’s wanted to do most for his entire life. He’s on the top of the world in every sense, probably even in his perception of reality. Garnett looks so intense here he very well could be thinking this interview is actually being conducted atop of our world. It's a Big Ticket world, we just live in it.
1:37 There’s some more references here of not being able to sleep, then a quick shout out to Ray Allen’s play and then a simple “I’m certified!” What does I’m certified mean? Well, first off if you can’t figure that out on your own you may be slightly retarded. I’m certified is Kevin’s way of saying ‘Hey, my career is now legit.’ Think about it. In every sport, you can have an awesome career but if you don’t win a title, it’s always going to hang over your head. Look at Dan Marino. He’s uncertified. A great quarterback and a pretty good pre-game personality who has a tendency to pout like a little girl, but uncertified none the less. Kevin Garnett is now officially certified. Even if he averages two points and one board for the remainder of his career, who cares? He went without sleep for a month and certified himself with an NBA title. Done and done.
1:41 Here Kevin quickly informs Michelle Tafoya that she looks good tonight. The man just certified the interview right here. Not only has he given an honest, emotional interview with the small possibility of actually hallucinating, he throws out a nice little verbal treat for Michelle Tafoya. Michelle needed it, too. Just a couple of hours earlier she had whiffed on her opportunity to bring us factual information on what was going on with Ray Allen’s eye, which was more or less her only job for the entire night. Just as she was explaining that an eye doctor had rushed into the room and it was taking an awfully long time to merely flush out the eye, Ray Allen barged out of his room and began running to the court. Uh, what happened Michelle? Shouldn’t you have been on top of that? So it was nice that Kevin gave her a quick, random compliment. Such a nice guy.
2:10 Garnett closes out the interview explaining that it was a responsibility to win the title in Boston. It was in the interests of carrying on a tradition. A tradition that had been stagnant for twenty plus years, but a tradition none the less. He then asks the camera “What are you gonna say now? What can you go and say now?” What could you say? Seriously? ‘Kevin, you suck!’ Uh, no. That would be false. The man just won an NBA title. ‘Kevin your not clutch!’ Uh, also no. That would be false as well. Kevin’s fantastic Game 7 combined with the fact that he probably had gotten a total of four hours of sleep all month would shoot down that statement in an instant. Sorry pal.
2:22 With the interview over, Garnett kisses some random guy’s head and then turns around to find Bill Russell. They embrace. Could it have ended any better? I submit that it could not.
So there you have it, as plain as day. The entire interview in black and white. I would like to thank Kevin for not only giving such a fantastic interview, but also for being such a badass, passionate athlete for the entire season. It has truly been a pleasure watching you this year.
THIS BLOG IS NOW CERTIFIED!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
The Real Sporting World: Intro Audition Tapes
Eight athletes. One house. Zero reasons for them to actually be there. What happens when they stop being polite… and start acting like overpaid children? Well, let’s find out!
Before we join our unsuspecting athletes let’s take a look at what got them here: They’re winning audition tapes! The athletes did not know what kind of show they were auditioning for. All they were told was that it was going to be the best show ever made. And especially made for them. The producers knew this was a fib, but judging from the videos they got, many of the athletes were very gullible and went all out in hopes they’d get on the show. Well, that and they all jumped at the chance to feed their ego.
As a quick, but unfortunately necessary disclaimer, these are not real videos and this isn’t a real show. You’ll have to actually use your imagination. If you don’t have one, than you should do okay as long as you can read things and then comprehend everything in your brain on the fly. Live a little! Who will make the cut? Are we ready? Cue the videotapes!
Kobe Bryant
Kobe Bryant appears on video. Kobe is wearing a Team USA shirt and appears to be trying entirely too hard. If you look hard enough, you can spot different Michael Jordan memorabilia around his house. “What’s up, it’s Kobe Bryant! Maybe you remember me from those Sprite commercials or more recently, for being the best basketball player to ever play the game!” Kobe pauses, almost as if he's not sure how the blasphemy he just uttered will be taken. He quickly recovers, fake-laughing, “Just kidding. One of the best players ever, at least! I don’t know what you got going on with this show, but I want in! I am game! Put me in the game coach!” He starts nervously fake-laughing again. A voice from off screen can be heard faintly. It sounds something along the lines of “Stop trying so hard, dumbass!” Kobe stops laughing and shrugs his shoulders. “I mean, I’ll do it I guess -- if you need me. I got a lot of other stuff on my plate, you know. Better get back to me soon.” He nods, reassuring himself that he just sounded legit.
Roger Clemens
Roger Clemens appears on video. Roger is wearing an unbuttoned baseball shirt with a money symbol for a logo. He also has shorts and sandals on and he has a big, shit eating grin on his face. “Hello, my name is Roger Clemens and I have never taken steroids.” Someone whispers something off screen. “Oh, wrong video? Oh, okay.” He looks back at the camera. “Hi, I’m Roger Clemens and I do whatever it takes to get the job done! Absolutely whatever it takes!” He pumps his fist, a look of realization slowly dawning on his face. He quickly adds, “As long as it’s legal of course.” He nods. “And I will do whatever it takes to get on this show!” He turns and picks up a glove. “Even if it means not playing baseball this year, something that I haven‘t done often.” He turns and throws the glove into a small bucket, which is apparently supposed to be a trash can. “If you pick me,” He begins jabbing his chest with his finger, his face getting red and his voice getting louder, “THE ROCKET WILL NOT DISAPPOINT YOU!” He then steps back a bit and looks back at the camera, attempting to flash a charming smile. Key word there is attempting.
Peyton Manning
Peyton Manning appears on video. He is completely overdressed, wearing a suit and tie with a Colts blue handkerchief in his breast pocket. He is sitting at a table with lit candles, a bottle of wine and several glasses. “Good evening, I’m Peyton Manning. Whether or not you have enjoyed me on the football field, I know you have seen my ventures elsewhere on T.V. Because of this, I think you could say I know my way around in front of a camera!” He stops talking and grins for several moments. It is noticeably awkward. “I’m not going to waste your time going through the many pros of having me on your T.V. show. There are too many to fit on this film. Nor am I going to list the cons, because there aren’t any. Instead, I will leave you with just one phrase. One phrase is all you need to remember and I’m confident you will choose me for your show.” He pauses, apparently trying to build tension. Again, it is incredibly awkward. “Peyton Manning is a winner!” Peyton gives a nod of approval, taking this all very seriously.
Manny Ramirez
Manny Ramirez appears on video. He is in his pool, wearing yellow rubber duck floaties and Scooby-Doo swimming trunks. “Heylo, this is Manny Ramirez! I know what it take to win! You know? Do you like my floats?” He motions to his floaties. “I reeeeeally, reeeeeeally want to be on yours show! I am not gone lie! Put me on yours show and I will do stuff like so!” Manny turns around and runs down by the side of his pool, turning to jump. He fails to do a complete flip, doing a colossal belly flop instead. He remains underwater for a bit until he comes to the surface and swims towards the camera. He clearly has the belly flop stomach ache but is trying to play if off. “Just Manny being Manny!” He smiles, shrugging his shoulders, trying not to grimace.
Alex Rodriguez
Alex Rodriguez appears on video. He is wearing his full Yankee garb and has a baseball bat leaning over his right shoulder. Although it doesn’t appear to be sunny at all, A-Rod is wearing sunglasses. “Hey you! I’m Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees. I heard about your show and realized I would be the perfect fit. I was saying to myself, I have everything they would want someone to have for their show!” He leans his head back and rolls his eyes, like he just can't believe such a coincidence has happened. “ I give one hundred and fifty percent all the time! I’m always on time! I’m loyal.” Alex glances at someone off camera after this last statement. It sounded a bit half-assed. He quickly turns back to the camera, convincing himself this last part was true. “Yeah, I’m very loyal! And I’ll be all those things to you all if you choose me for your show!” He turns sideways and gets into his batting stance. “If you choose me your show will be…” He swings, “Out of the ballpark!”
Tom Brady
Tom Brady appears on video. He’s lying down in what appears to be his backyard, with his hands behind his head and some dogs running around. “What’s up ladies. I’m Tom Brady and you’ll soon be seeing me on a new T.V. show about…” He trails off, realizing he doesn’t yet know what the show is about. He improvises. “It’s… well, it’s about me!” He grins, pleased with his recovery. “That’s right ladies, you can soon see me, Tom Brady, dog lover…” He pauses, glancing somewhere behind the camera. He grits his teeth, repeating himself, “I said, Tom Brady, dog lover!” A dog suddenly appears out of no where, running every which way but to Tom. He tries to lean over and grab the dog but he just runs away, eventually peeing on the hose hookup. “Oh Lilac, you bad boy!” He nervously grins at the camera, and then gives a thumbs up. Yes, you read that right. A thumbs up.
Mark Madsen
Mark Madsen appears on video. He’s dressed in full pick up basketball attire complete with headband. He is crouched in an incredibly low defensive stance. Probably too low to effectively play any actual defense. He slaps the ground with his palms. “YO! I’m Mark Madsen, or maybe you know be by my nickname, Mad Dog!” He slaps the ground again. “WOO! I am psyched to be on your show! I will provide all the energy, I promise. Why do you think they call me Mad Dog?” He starts shuffling from side to side. “Not to mention, I’m a great motivator! If your down, I WILL PUMP YOU UP!” Mark slaps the ground again, does some more shuffling, casually stands up and walks towards the camera. “Give me a high five.” He holds out his hand and begins walking towards the camera. “Pick Mad Dog and I won’t let you down.”
LaDainian Tomlinson
LaDainian Tomlinson appears on video. He’s dressed in his powder blue Chargers jersey with a football helmet on his head. The visor is down and he can be seen jogging in place for a bit until he stops. “Afternoon! I’m LaDainian Tomlinson, or L.T. for short. I heard you were making a video?” He takes his helmet off and flashes a grin. “Well, I’m your man. I’m not sure if you know it, but I am incredibly classy. Everything I do just oozes class. Grocery shopping? Classy. Getting the paper? Classy. Making an audition tape for the best show ever? You guessed it!” He starts chuckling. “Classy!” If you want a top notch athlete who is polite and gets along well with others than you need to put me on your show!” He puts his helmet back on. “You won’t be disappointed!” He then sprints off the screen. Yes, seriously.
There you have it. Eight athletes. Eight distinct personalities! Little do they know they’ll be thrown into a house together for eight weeks. There's no more eights, I promise.
How will they interact? How long will it be until there is the inevitable drama? Will they all be able to stay the eight weeks? Are you riveted yet? No? Well, you will be I promise. Expect many twists, turns and of course, the hilarity that comes with locking these particular athletes together under one roof.
Stay tuned for Episode 1: The Arrival.
