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Mark Madsen’s 2001 Lakers Parade Speech: An Analytical Breakdown

Yes, this qualifies as the B.N.B. sort-of related to sports video of the day. Yes, it may be a little old. Yes, it is absolutely hilarious. And yes, it’s a little late for a daily video, so what -- wanna fight about it?

Anyway, if you’ve read any of my Real Sporting World articles, you know I have a strange fascination with Mark “The Mad Dog” Madsen. I’m guilty of poking fun at him from time to time but really, I respect the man for being himself. He is 110% always the Mad Dog that is Mark Madsen, even if he does often make people doubt that he’s actually a real living human being. He is folks, he is that and more.

If you’ve never heard of Mark Madsen, he is a professional basketball player best known for his bench cheering skills and the unparalleled intensity he exhibits when tossed into a game. Whether or not these things have anything to do with the fact that he’s averaged 12.0 minutes per game for his career (seriously, become a believer: Here). But although one might first notice that the Mad Dog has averaged 2.2 points per game or 0.4 assists is the intangibles he brings to the table. Not only will Madsen give you his all on the court, but he’ll give you his all on the bench as well.

You also might know him best from his Lakers days, because that is when he was most relevant. I’ve taken it upon myself to remind the world of the legend that is Mark Madsen whenever I can, and I figured why not feature him in the BNB video of the day? But what video to pick, for there are so, so many. Then it dawned on me. His legendary speech at the 2001 Lakers Championship Parade. Following the speech is an analytical breakdown, because although it’s pretty straight forward, I knew it would be a blast to do. Enjoy.



(Note: I’ve broken the common trend of how many actual seconds each clip is into the video and replaced it with what it says on the You tube player as you play it. There’s no math involved and as we all know, everybody wins when that‘s the case.)

0:01 - The speech extravaganza host begins his introduction. He pretty much gets it spot on. Even though you’ve already probably heard it, I’ll post what is said for our speaker impaired readers (with my comments in italics in between quotes for the rest of the post):

“Out of the University of Stanford or Stanford University if you like..” This announcer is on his game, he’s attempting to please every possible person who could be at this parade. Well done.

“He was an honor student..” Not surprising.

“He is a crowd favorite..” Also not surprising.

“Didn’t play very much but when he played, he played with an intensity that no other Laker prob--ever exceeded.” Whoever this announcer is, I like him. He doesn’t sugar coat anything, he aims to please and he isn’t afraid to make bold statements if it’s true. He goes to say ‘..no other Laker probably’ but immediately corrects himself because he knows there is no other nominees in the intensity category if Mark Madsen is involved. Bravo!

“He’s the guy who went and picked the other guys’ laundry up and brought it to their rooms. He’s the guy who carried their bags from the hotel lobby up to their rooms.” By other guys’ the announcer means Kobe Bryant. After the bag part, he realizes he’s beginning to downplay the Mad Dog and boos are heard. A professional, he quickly realizes this and spouts:

“That’s enough.” I’m beginning to like this announcer even more than I like Mark Madsen if that’s even possible.

“Mark Madsen!” A thunderous applause is heard. A couple boos as well, but they’re drowned out -- probably due to the fact that whoever was booing was promptly beaten. Dumb asses. Okay, they’re not drowned out completely, but still. This is in Los Angeles! There’s probably some renegade Kings, Warriors and Clippers fans littered throughout the crowd. Yeah, that’s it.


0:38 - The Mad Dog is officially at the microphone at this point. He raises his patented number one finger and thanks the crowd, completely oblivious to the booing. Madsen knows these people are either a) jealous he’s not on there team or b) too drunk to remember when he played that year -- so it’s all good.

“Thank you!” The man is the definition of class.

0:40 - Madsen pauses to let the thank you sink in then offers,

“You are the greatest fans in the world!” Okay, I think we can all agree that this is a blatant lie -- but that isn’t stopping Mark from making it appear and sound as if he sincerely believes this. A maniacal Mad Dog grin completes the whole thing. Not only does he give you 110% on the court and bench, but the man gives it all in the P.R. department as well. Lakers fans the greatest in the world? Haha! Good stuff Mark, I nominate you for an Emmy!

0:43 - Still holding up the number one sign, Mark keeps grinning and let’s what he just said sink in. The man’s a genius. Even Lakers fans know they’re not the greatest in the world, but scream it at a pep rally and let it sink in for a few seconds. ‘Hey, we might just be the greatest fans in the world! Sure, half of the people with Laker flags on their cars wouldn’t be able to name who we played in the Finals -- but who cares! We’re the best in the wooooooooorld!’

0:45 - Madsen punctuates this thinking with a roaring,

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!” P.R. Genius.

0:47 - He pauses again then shouts,

“WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!?!” This has absolutely nothing to do with the Lakers team, unless they played this during the season. Which wouldn’t surprise me, but I doubt it. I think it has to do with his nickname more than anything. Yes, I thought of that myself. Regardless, Madsen proves here that he's topical. The man knows what’s in style and he’s aware of his nickname. What more could you want from your 13th man?

0:54 - After a couple of woofs, some expressed bliss when the crowd barks back Madsen gets our bilingual friends involved,

“And for those who speak Spanish: ‘Les hablababes vamos ingles da dimos, que ano benenay, loremos, otra PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!’” Yes, I butchered the shit out of that but the accuracy is not the point. The man prepped his speech with a bit for the Spanish speaking Lakers fans. Nothing needs to be said here, only that is just amazing.

1:08 - Everyone goes wild. I wish I knew what that meant, or maybe everyone is just going wild because it was so out of the blue, legendary and fantastic. Madsen backs from the podium with hands raised, high-fiving his teammates as the crowd goes nuts. Absolutely nuts. Where are the booers now? Huh? Can’t boo someone who just spoke Spanish for no reason, can you?

1:23 - As the crowd goes nuts, the host (?) appears back at the podium with a simple,

“No wonder they call him the Mad Dog.” Indeed. Never before has a nickname fit someone so incredibly well. The man truly is a mad dog. In a good way, of course.

1:28 - Our host concludes with a quick summation of the man as a whole,

“Isn’t he something, and he’s so sincere. Just a great guy.” Say what you want about his intensity, lack of minutes and cheerleader-esque attitude -- but the man wears his heart on his sleeve and he gives 110% no matter what. For that, I applaud you Mark Madsen and I always will. I mean, hey, anyone who can cheer on Kobe Bryant and look like he enjoys must be a great person.

1:33 - The video ends with a shot of Madsen smiling and then putting his head down. Humble. Humble as pie.

What have we learned in this journey? Well, for one -- we’ve learned that Mark Madsen is the man. Two, we’ve learned that sometimes sports biggest stars don’t make their mark by putting up gaudy numbers or winning MVP awards. Sometimes, they leave their mark with effort, being a good teammate and failing to let money affect who they are.

We’ve also learned that Mark Madsen belongs on a particular NBA team where he could make the most impact and be appreciated when doing so. Have you guessed it yet? Come on, think a little harder.. A hint? You seriously want a hint?

They play on the East Coast.

No not the Seattle Supersonics, that‘s the West Coast, dimwit. Think. Another hint? Wow.

They have a player on the team known for giving 110% all the time as well.

The Miami Heat? I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that. Fine, here’s one last one.

The nickname rhymes with 'Meltics'.

That’s right! Your a quick one! The Boston Celtics! In addition to actual basketball talent, they have career bench guys like James Posey (who‘s also talented at basketball to be fair), Brian Scalabrine and Eddie House’s kid! It’s a perfect fit!

Not only have you gotten a refresher course on Mark Madsen as a person, but you’ve also just read the birth piece to a movement designed to get Mark Madsen on the 2009 Boston Celtics roster! A petition’s on the way!

[Note: This article was simultaneously posted @ The Bad News Bloggers -- And yes, I wrote both versions Sherlock]

The Real Sporting World, Episode Five: Make it Rain!

Clips are shown from the last few episodes, culminating in the fact that the lie detector test and Clemens’ replacement are both taking place tonight. In a surprising twist, instead of showing each lie detector test in full, clips are shown of certain questions to our athletes in a montage. Some playful, circus music is playing in the background. Hey, the producers aren’t going to win any awards for this show, but they try! The fun starts off with an opening shot of McBeam.


McBeam: “Okay, after you give the answer to your question -- it will either emit a short low beep if you told the truth, or an obnoxious, fire alarm-esque siren if you lied. So it would behoove you tell the truth.” He starts laughing. Has he already started consuming his Jim Beam?


McBeam: “This is from Doug, who hails from Dover, Delaware. He wants to know, ‘Will you please stop doing so many commercials?’”


Peyton: “Never.” A short beep is heard. What a shocker.


McBeam: “Tom, this ones from Becky from Montpiliar, Vermont. ‘In all seriousness, how many times do you look in the mirror each day?’”


Brady: “Uhh..” He frowns, knowing he has to tell the truth. “I dunno, fifteen -- twenty times?” A short beep confirms our worst fears. Or most passionate desires.


McBeam: “Mark, no one at all submitted a question for you -- so we made one up ourselves: ‘Do you take any kind of medication?’”


Madsen: “Only the medication of the love for basketball!” He raises his hands, completely oblivious to the obnoxious fire alarm sound that informs everyone that was just a lie. “I LOVE BASKETBALL BABY, WOO!”


In between the montage, a silhouette is shown of someone approaching the Real Sporting World House. Could it be Clemens replacement? And why so quickly?


McBeam: “David from Chi-Town, USA wants to know LaDainian: ‘How much does Vizio pay you to pimp their product?’”


LaDainian: “What is that supposed to mean?” He frowns. “They don’t pay me anything! They don’t need too!” A short beep confirms what we’ve all known all along: L.T. just loves him some Vizio’s!


The silhouette is shown opening up the door of the house.


McBeam: “Okay, A-Rod. You ready?” The door can be heard opening. “Oh! Our replacement for Roger is here already!”


Peyton: “Wait, already?”


McBeam: “Yes, we actually have another place nearby that houses six other potential replacement athletes. I can’t tell you who they are though -- but your about to learn who one of them is.”


Brady: “Who’s the producer of this show? Is he alright?”

The camera cuts to the front door of the house, showing it slowly open. It reveals:

Pacman Jones!


Pacman: “What up, pimps!?”


He’s smoking what appears to be a large cigar.


McBeam: “Welcome Pacman!” He scurries over to try and shake his hand. Is McBeam a Cowboys fan?


Pacman: “Yo! Step the fuck back, PUPPET!” He points at McBeam.


McBeam: “Pacman, it’s cool -- I’m the host!”


Pacman: “I said step back!” He starts stepping towards McBeam.


McBeam: “Okay, fine, fine!” He starts backing up.


Pacman grabs a lamp from a nearby table and charges our mascot. He smashes Steely in the face several times. The show’s producers make a note to change this to a TV-MA program.


Pacman: “WHAT?! WHAT NOW!?” Several other housemates run over to peel him off of Steely. “I WARNED YOU PUPPET!” He’s pointing at Steely, very much bullshit. Steely is unconscious where he was beaten. Whether it was the lamp upside the face a couple times, his Jim Beam consumption, or a mixture of the two, the athlete’s love of Steely is shown by nearly everyone crowding around him. Everyone except Mad Dog.


Madsen: “Yo Pacman! THANK YOU! I HATED THAT PUPPET!” He offers a high-five to Pacman, who looks at him as if he was a strip club without booze.



Pacman: “STEP BACK!” He points at Madsen. A random person clad in black suddenly appears. He is seen escorting Pacman away with various, MMA type skills. The ruckus dies down once the legend is gone. The camera cuts back into the lie detector montage.


McBeam: “Manny, Jose from Costa Rica would like to know: ‘Plantains or flan? What is the better breakfast?’”


Manny: “He crazy! Everyone know is FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!” He points at the ceiling, grinning.


McBeam: “Okay A-Rod, Doug from the Bronx, NY would like to know: ‘Why are you infecting my team with your fakely intense, I‘m not gay but act it lifestyle!! GO BACK TO SEATTLE!!’”


A-Rod: “Wait, what was the question?”


McBeam: “Okay, Pau -- no one knew we’d be asking you questions so like Mad Dog, we thought up some for you by ourselves. What planet are you from? Seriously..”


Gasol: “Whatever planet milord came from, I am from also. It is the way of the universe.”


The camera cuts to a shot of Gasol being escorted out of the house. Kobe wipes his brow.


McBeam: “Kobe, Michaela from Champagne, Illinois would like to know: ‘Is your favorite color baby blue?’”


Kobe: “Damn right it is!” He shrugs, as if this was the dumbest question ever. Hm.. fishy.


The camera cuts to Steely being taken from the house on a stretcher. Once he’s gone, our athletes stand around like a bunch of dumb asses for a bit -- until Mad Dog begins to run towards the basement.


Madsen: “BOOOOOOOOOOOOZEEEEE!!”


Everyone smiles. Was that a bonding moment we just witnessed?

The cheesy, end of the show reality music plays, followed by a big drum sound and a preview of next week.

Next week on the Real Sporting World: Will McBeam be back as our well beloved host? Is Pacman seriously a real person? Who will replace Clemens/Pacman’s spot and is it a cursed position? You’ll have to wait and see, next week on The Real Sporting World!

Shaq "relieved" of law enforcement duties

Yes, we’ve all heard about Shaq’s freestyle diss on Kobe in twenty bars. But how about this? A dead set, I-take-my-job-incredibly-seriously sheriff at Shaq’s precinct has stripped him of his badge. Because as we all know, cop’s don’t swear at all. Like, never.

I guess you could make the case of this being honorable. If your incredibly strict in your everyday actions. I find it hard to believe that this guy has successfully fought crime with such an attitude on swearing and dissing millionaire athletes.

Call me crazy, but I think there are things at play here that are going on behind the scenes. I would definitely bet a sum of money that this guy somehow has connections to Lakers fandom. It’s the obvious conclusion. In case you haven’t seen the video, or more specifically, the hilarious diss Shaq laid on his arch-nemesis and Michael Jordan wannabe Kobe Bryant, here it is. Don’t say I never did anything for you.



Original story from zeh Y! Sports.

The Real Sporting World, Episode Four: Kobe's Unwanted Guest

Clips are shown of the previous episodes, culminating in a shot of Steely McBeam passed out on his bed. The camera then cuts into the living room, where everyone, save for Manny, is sitting and listening to their host. From the sound of things, no one has said a thing to McBeam about his alcohol consumption.

McBeam: “We are going to allow one guest for each of you over the next eight days. We tried to pick whoever was first on your list to visit but if they fell through than we just kept going down.”

A-Rod: “Who’s first?”

McBeam: “Due to unforeseen circumstances, Kobe’s guest will be joining us first.” Everyone sighs.

Kobe: “For real? Who is it? My kids? My wife?” He sounds only mildly excited.

McBeam: “Actually, your wife was going to come but someone who wasn’t on the list convinced her to give them her spot.”

Kobe: “What do you mean not on the list?”

McBeam: “Well, they weren’t on the list. But I guess they really wanted or needed to see you and convinced your wife to let them come instead.”

Madsen: “I bet that didn’t take much.” Kobe doesn’t hear the snarky comment, and is instead looking at McBeam with a quizzical, confused look. Then, suddenly, a look of realization washes over his face and he groans.

Kobe: “Oh no..”

Brady: “What if we don’t like the guest and want them to leave?”

McBeam: “That would just suck for you, because they have to stay the entire day. If you haven’t noticed, they really like to follow pre-set rules on this show.”

Peyton: “They also didn’t fully think the entire thing through, either.” Peyton has apparently decided that this show he was stuck on wasn’t going to do much for his reputation and this, obviously, is making him pout like a little girl.

McBeam: “He should be here any minute.” The ‘he’ classification seems to have finalized it for Kobe. He knows who’s coming and from his body language, he isn’t too excited.

A-Rod: “Hey Steely, where do you keep the booze? I want me another Seagram’s!” Alex tries to make this sound as manly as possible.

McBeam: “It’s locked up for special occasions.”

Brady: “Special occasions, huh? So do you have special occasions by yourself in your room at night? Those were a lot of bottles you had down there..” McBeam doesn’t know how to take this, staring at Tom for a moment.

McBeam: “What do you mean? When have you seen my room?” The answer to this question is interrupted by a frantic knocking at the door. McBeam goes and opens it. Low and behold, a frantic, disgruntled looking Pau Gasol rushes inside. He’s breathing heavily as if he just sprinted to the house.

McBeam: “Welcome Pau. Kobe, your guest is here!” Kobe looks as if he’d like nothing better than to be able to sink inside the couch. Gasol runs over towards Kobe.

Gasol: “Milord! I have been lost without your orders!” He stands in front of Kobe, a look of relief spreading over his face. “I miss our candlelight dinners! I miss the thought-free lifestyle of following your ever order, your every whim milord!!”

The normally wise-cracking, witty bunch is speechless. This turn of events seems to have hit them upside the head like a Mack truck. Did he seriously just say milord?

Kobe: “Paul, what are you doing here? Basketball season’s over, you don’t need to follow my orders now..” Someone’s actions mid-season seem to have backfired.

Gasol: “Milord?” He tilts his head, staring at him in disbelief as if he just informed him that Chad Johnson wasn’t in love with himself.

Kobe: “Stop calling me milord! That’s weird, man! Come on!”

Peyton: “Okay, I officially believe in karma now.”

Gasol: “I was without direction, milord. I did not know where to turn. I appealed to your wife and told her that I must see you immediately. She said it was okay before I was even done asking! She understood my plight!” He raises his hands and looks at the ceiling, acting as if he had just survived ten days in a desert. He sits down next to Kobe, glancing at everyone else than turning back to him. At this point, everyone looks pretty amused.

Kobe: “Okay Paul, listen to me. You need to chill out. I respect that you follow me on the basketball court, but it’s the off-season bro! Relax! Have a drink!” He glances at Steely with the most desperate glance ever issued by a human. Steely, who is most likely sober nods and begins walking downstairs. Gasol begins breathing deeply and shaking his head. His hair is dripping with sweat.

LaDainian: “Does anyone know what we’re doing today?”

Clemens: “We’re taking a lie detector test and I’m not participating.”

Peyton: “Why not? You can finally clear up your name!” Peyton’s mood has changed entirely and he looks to be having a good time now.

Clemens: “Because lie detectors are for pussies, that’s why!”

A-Rod: “That didn’t make much sense.”

Clemens: “Whatever, go drink some more Seagram’s!” McBeam appears again, carrying a crate of assorted alcohol’s. Everyone looks over at him, except Gasol, who is still breathing deeply.

LaDainian: “We’re taking a lie detector test Steely?”

McBeam: “Yes. Should be fun.” That’s all he says. Frankly, it’s all that needs to be said.

Madsen: “Rocket isn’t going to do it, which is cool cause I already believe him. Guy didn’t need to take steroids!” He points at Clemens, grinning.

Clemens: “What’s wrong with you!? DO! NOT! CALL! ME! ROCKET! YOU FREAKY BASTARD!”

Madsen: “Whoa.. Dude. Chill out!”

Clemens: “No I will not chill out! You don’t listen! You’re the most annoying person I’ve ever met in my entire life! I can’t stand you!”

Madsen: “Wow Rocket..” He shakes his head. Clemens rockets off the couch and tackles Madsen, attempting to pummel him. McBeam was ready however, pulling out a taser and shooting Clemens in the neck. He shudders and falls back, shaking from the shocks.

LaDainian: “Nice one Steely. I don’t like this guy, he has no manners at all!” He shakes his head. Madsen jumps up, brushing himself off and trying to act like he wasn’t about to get the shit kicked out of him.

Madsen: “Thanks Steely. No telling what he would have done, being on steroids and all. I could have taken care of it though..” He nods, looking around at everyone. Everyone is staring at the knocked out Clemens, except Gasol, who is still breathing deeply and following Kobe’s orders to calm down.

McBeam: “Okay, Roger just broke the cardinal rule. He’s kicked out of the house. Any objections?”

Madsen: “Can I have his bed?”

McBeam: “Sure.”

Madsen: “No objections here!” No one else says anything.

Gasol: “Why did you not stop the confrontation, milord?”

Brady: “Is he like role playing or something? Hey Kobe, tell your liege that this isn’t King Arthur’s castle!” Everyone laughs hysterically as Steely begins prepping the drinks. Two unannounced men come inside and drag Clemens outside. It was completely random and no one seems to notice and/or care. As they leave, the doors are heard locking again.

Kobe: “Ever since he was traded to my team he’s followed me around like a sick puppy. The milord thing just started, he says it expresses his admiration and respect for me. He won’t stop saying it.”

Gasol: “And why would I, milord? I do admire and respect you!” He stands and points at Kobe. “HE IS THE BEST BASKETBALL PLAYER TO EVER PLAY THE GAME!” Spit comes flying out as he yells this, his face pausing at the end in what looks to be a grimace.

LaDainian: “Hey! Lower your voice! Your being rude!”

A-Rod: “I absolutely LOVE these Seagram’s! Does anyone want to pound one with me?”

LaDainian: “I will.” He grabs a Seagram’s and he and A-Rod begin pounding them as everyone else is staring at Gasol.

Madsen: “Hey Paul, why don’t you go get a haircut! Maybe it’s clouding your judgment!” Mark begins clapping, showing he has no problem being the first to laugh at his own jokes.

Gasol: “My judgment is fine, peasant!” He points at him. Manny suddenly walks downstairs, waving to everyone. He’s covered in paint.

Brady: “Where’ve you been?”

Manny: “Painting!” He moves his wrist around to mimic a paintbrush.

Peyton: “Painted what?! Our room!?” He frowns, knowing the answer to his question will not be good.

Manny: “Si! I painted cheeseburgers for you, Pay-tone! Pizza for me!” He rubs his stomach, grinning. “Mmmm!” Peyton sighs, shaking his head.

Brady: “Hey Manny! Some guy just time traveled from the Middle Ages!" He points at Gasol. Manny looks at him and tilts his head.

Manny: “Time travel!?”

Gasol: “I cannot time travel! I traveled here normally to consult milord!” He motions to Kobe. Manny’s jaw drops and he begins looking at everyone excitedly. McBeam meanwhile, has been slowly but steadily chugging his signature Jim Beam. Here comes the hiccups.

McBeam: “Okay everyone! Hold your horses.. We need to get ready for our lie detector test.” Everyone stops talking and looks at Steely, except Gasol, who is still standing and awaiting further Kobe orders. Steely begins fiddling with the lie detector chair and begins getting it ready for the tests.

McBeam: “Peyton, your up first.” Peyton walks over to the chair and sits, silence filling the air. Peyton is strapped in and McBeam goes and gets some index cards.

McBeam: “Alright Peyton, let’s begin..”

A loud boom sounds as the camera goes to black. You know, the one that sounds when something suspenseful is about to happen but the show stops in the middle of it? Yeah, that. That happens.

Next week on the Real Sporting World: Our athletes attempt to get out of the lie detector chair with dignity intact. But what questions will be asked? What truths will be revealed? Who will fill Roger Clemens vacant spot in the house? And why is Pau Gasol talking like he lives in the Middle Ages? These questions and more are answered in the next riveting edition of.. The Real Sporting World!!