SportsCrack

Football Crack & B.N.B. Powerless Rankings: September 16th, 2008

Ah, two weeks down – two to go. There’s been some underachieving, some overachieving, and some conference altering injuries. Never mind that the 2008 NFL Draft could shake out to be one of the best we’ve seen in a while, at least from an offensive skill position perspective. I know I said I was going to try and do a bottom five, top five type deal with this – but instead I’m just going to focus on the bottom ten teams. Think of it as a black abyss in regards to a team’s playoff hopes. The good news? It’s only Week 2. So there’s no reason to get all hysterical and panic – although the time to do that is drawing near.

Cue the weaklings!


Dishonorable mentions: Cleveland Browns, San Francisco 49ers


23. Minnesota Vikings

It’s funny how a popular sleeper pick ALWAYS manages to underperform, year after year. The Cardinals in 2006, the 49ers in 2007, and now it’s shaping up to be the Vikings in 2008. What do all of these teams have in common? Ding-ding-ding! They all have/had questionable QBs under center!


24. Seattle Seahawks

One could say the Seahawks defied the odds the past few years in their quest for multiple back-to-back NFC West crowns. On the other hand, you could say that they were able to do this in large part to there being absolutely zero competition for them to topple en route to the top. Either way, despite the NFC West looking as weak as it ever has, the Seahawks appear to have finally succumbed to reality. Pretty much their entire WR corps has been injured in some way or another. Although they could still pull it off if they get some of them back soon, it’s not looking very good. So much for a Mike Holmgren feel good last hurrah story..

25. Houston Texans

Granted, the Texans only loss this far was to the powerhouse Steelers, but they still were a disappointment considering the hopes attached to them in the pre-season. With a bottom ten, especially one this early in the season, there’s always going to be some question marks in the rankings – and the Texans are perhaps the biggest one this time around. All they need to get out of the basement is to defeat the resurgent Titans this Sunday. Yeah, exactly.

26. Atlanta Falcons

Ah, how much difference a week makes. Despite looking mighty impressive in a Week One romping of the Lions, the Falcons appeared to fall back to earth in a Week Two loss to the Buccaneers. This wasn’t too surprising. They have a rookie QB and were playing the Lions, after all. More on that team with an epically horrible GM in a bit.


27. Oakland Raiders

The Raiders won this past week, however it was against the Chiefs who are arguably the worst team in the league. Any team with as many questions at head coach as the Raiders have will have a difficult time winning consistently. The defense looked loads better, but again, it was against the Chiefs. Only time will tell if their rushing attack can prove to keep them in some ball games. It can only do so much.


28. Cincinnati Bengals

Just when you think they have it all together, are healthy, and are primed for a potentially upbeat season, the Bengals offense (the very thing that kept them legit, by the way) shits the bed and plays like one of the worst units for the first two weeks. Are they trying to get Marvin Lewis fired or something? Or is it a coup d’état against fantasy football owners? I’m stumped.


29. Kansas City Chiefs

The Chiefs were one of the teams none were too high on heading into the season, and one of their best players is now at odds with the coaching staff. Larry Johnson is right though, they need to give him at least 30 carries a game. What have they got to lose? (Hint: Absolutely nothing)


30. Detroit Lions

After an impressive first half in 2007, many thought the Lions had solved their losing woes and would actually finish with a winning record. The team has talent, there’s no doubt about that, but Matt Millen needs to go. Until he does, the shadow of all his poor decisions is going to loom over this team. What’s it going to take before he resigns? A riot?


31. Miami Dolphins

Many were optimistic about the Dolphins this year, with myself included. However, with the team’s refusal to pound the rock and no real option at QB with Chad Pennington’s inability to play competently, they’re just as bad as last year. Except this time around the defense doesn’t have Jason Taylor. Either Ronnie Brown bounces back and returns to pre-2007-injury form, or this team may end up struggling to win much more than their sole win total in 2007.


And the “winner” is…


32. St. Louis Rams

I don’t have anything nice to say about the Rams, so I’m not going to say anything at all. Except that I feel awfully bad for Marc Bulger. I don’t care what QB you put behind the Rams offensive line, they wouldn’t be effective wondering whether or not they had to go to the emergency room that night. End of story. The Rams need to get working on that sorry excuse for an O-line, because as of right now, it truly is offensive.

WEEK 2 NFL PICKS

Well, the first week of the 2007 football season is out of the way. Many dollars were lost, beers drank and chicken consumed. Personally, I didn't eat any chicken last week but am looking to change this on Sunday by mowing some buffalo chicken wings. I didn't lose any money either, although I only won $10 out of a possible $40, so technically I lost 30 POTENTIAL dollars. But fuck it, that $10 made sure I drank some beers for free, and I'm not even going to elaborate on that one. Anyway, Week One is out of the way and we're on to Week Two. Here's the picks (with cool little precursors before them, as well as more long term predictions for the season, since I missed the Week One post last week):


IS BUFFALO FOR REAL? (CAN YOU BE FOR REAL IF YOU ONLY SCORE 14 POINTS THE PREVIOUS WEEK?)

Buffalo @ Pittsburgh - This is the first year I've ever put a large sum (for me, anyway) of money on a fantasy league. $150 to be exact. And the winner's pot could be as big as $750, which is a lot of fucking money. Anyway, I found it hard not to factor in my fantasy players into predictions when I was playing in FREE leagues, nevermind one with 750 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers on the line. Even though I think Big Ben and Santonio Holmes will hook up for two scores, I still think Buffalo will eke out a win. And yes, I realize that J.B.C. comment is about 6 months too old.

Buffalo - 23 / Pittsburgh - 20


HOW DO WE EVEN KNOW MATT SCHAUB IS GOOD YET?

Houston @ Carolina - I don't understand how people are 'hopping on the bandwagon' of a team whose quarterback has one career win. This team of course, is the Houston Texans. And their quarterback is of course, Matt Schaub. And I am of course, taking the Panthers in this one. Sorry, Houston.

Carolina - 21 / Houston - 10


JOEY HARRINGTON. HOW DO THEE LOSE GAMES? LET US COUNT THE WAYS.

Atlanta @ Jacksonville - I have absolutely no fucking clue what to make of this Atlanta team. They looked horrible last week, yes, but i was Week One. Give em' a break! Even so, I don't think they'll win this one. Mainly because until Joey Harrington shows some consistancy, and that he's not retarded, I'm going to pick against them. I'm cool like that.

Jacksonville - 27 / Atlanta - 17 (Oh yeah, M.J.D. is gonna have a huge day, too. You heard it here, first.)


THE BLOWOUT SPECIAL OF THE WEEK!

New Orleans @ T.B. - I don't like Tampa Bay at all. I think they suck. I don't like anything about their team except Cadillac Williams, who's listed as questionable. And no, I don't like Ronde Barber, even though he's good and probably not as annoyingly queer as his brother. Because of all of this, and the fact that I think the New Orleans offense is going to go fucking apeshit after last week's blowout loss to the Colts, I'm going to take the Saints.

New Orleans - 38 / T.B. - 13


JARED LORENZEN TOSSES IT DEEP TO BURRESS AND IT IS... INTERCEPTED!

Green Bay @ N.Y.G. - Brett Favre is like, 373 years old. Jared Lorenzen weighs like, 373 pounds. Future Hall of Famer, or a guy who has never started a game, and is the odds on favorite to be the next Burger King sponsor? Does this guy know he's playing in the NFL? Wouldn't it behoove him to lose a bit of weight? Seriously, what does that dude do at weight training sessions, eat B.L.T.'s? Chalk one up for the Pack.

Green Bay - 21 / N.Y.G. - 10


REMEMBER THE ARIZONA CARDINALS LAST YEAR? ALL THE NEWS STORIES AND FEEL GOOD ARTICLES ABOUT THE PLAYERS? WELL, THE 49ERS FEEL A LOT LIKE DEJA VU.

San Francisco @ St. Louis - I think attempting to make a sleeper pick at the beginning of a season is fucking retarded. Some teams who lost in previous years eventually win after progressing a few years? Weird. It's stupid. Yes, some teams will do much better than people thought. No, I will not spend countless hours pouring over statistics trying to figure out who it will be. Most likely, you'll pick a dud, and a horrible dud at that, thus making yourself look like an asshole. While the Rams were more of a sleeper pick last year than this one, I do think they'll improve this year. San Francisco on the other hand, who every media outlet from Connetticut to fucking Madrid has picked as the '2007 NFL sleeper', will probably go 8-8. Maybe 7-9. Look for the Rams to rape the 49ers in this one. And if I'm wrong, well, that would suck. But I'll deal with it.

St. Louis - 31 / San Francisco - 20


CARSON PALMER'S BREAKOUT YEAR BEGINS NOW. BUT WILL BRADY QUINN'S BEGIN AS WELL?

Cincinnati @ Cleveland - Last year, the Bengals underachieved in every sense of the word. Carson Palmer is a very good quarterback, though. And it's common knowledge it takes about 2 years to fully recover from an ACL injury. Palmer is arguably the most accurate in the game (aside from Mr. P. Manning). And while many people will disagree with me, I think he will live up to or even surpass the precedents that Peyton Manning has set in the NFL. Plus, I have Rudi Johnson on my lots o'money fantasy team and he better step it the fuck up against Cleveland. On a sidenote, I think Cleveland has definite potential on both sides of the ball. They just need a higher than AA quarterback leading the offense. He's going to be the QB for the future and I just hope Romeo Crennell puts him in soon. He's a fantastic coach and I think the All American Notre Dame QB can give him what he's been missing his whole career: a compatant quarterback. Even if he is a rookie.

Cincinnati - 28 / Cleveland - 16


AS MUCH AS I HATE TO ADMIT IT, PEYTON MANNING IS THE BEST IN THE GAME. AND ALTHOUGH I DON'T BELIEVE IN CURSES, JINXES, ETC. I THINK THE MADDEN JINX IS A REALLY HORRIBLE FUCKING COINCIDENCE THAT HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR LIKE, 7 YEARS.

Indianapolis @ Tennessee - As much as I tried to convince myself that losing Tarik Glenn would shake up Peyton Manning's world as much as it shook up mine this morning after finding out McDonald's breakfast ends at 10:30 (Why the fuck would it end at such a gay time? Why wouldn't they bump it up to 11?), I unfortunately think I am mistaken. I humbly admit that Peyton Manning will probably be the best QB in NFL history, not to mention currently (Followed side by side by Tom Brady, with Carson Palmer riding both of their asses). He got the monkey off his back with last year's Super Bowl and despite expert criticism that he wouldn't have as much drive, he apparently still has lots; rivaled only by his desire to be in 60% of the commercials on any given Sunday. Having Joseph Addai in the backfield, who I think will be the next L.T., doesn't hurt much either. And on the defensive side? Bob Sanders is fire. The Titans on the other hand, have appeared to have the Colts number in recent years. And while I think last year's performance by Vince Young was no fluke, I do think it was helped along a bit by a one Pacman Jones. Without him, the Titans are a 9-7 team AT BEST. And even at their best, they might steal a game from Indy. But not this one.

Indianpolis - 34 / Tennessee - 20


I REALLY HOPE ADRIAN PETERSON DOESN'T HAVE A MONSTER YEAR. I SWEAR, I'LL PUNCH MYSELF IN THE NUTS.

Minnesota @ Detroit - I'm trying not to focus too much on fantasy here, but after last week, I'm fucking bullshit I didn't land Adrian Peterson. I wanted either him, Calvin Johnson or Marshawn Lynch, since it's a keeper league and I failed miserably at obtaining any of them (It was an auction draft, cut me some fucking slack). Detroit on the other hand, is another popular 'sleeper' pick, however I cannot take any team too seriously that has Jon Kitna at QB. The defense shows some promise, the receiving corps is nasty and the Tatum Bell/Kevin Jones RBBC could definitively be a top 5 tandem. Jon Kitna though? Sorry. At least until he shows me he can win a game that isn't against the Raiders. (On a sidenote, I won a $75 dollar bet last year after claiming Mr. Kitna would not make the Pro Bowl. He came close, but close means jack shit. Not to mention, I'm a fucking genius.)

Minnesota - 26 / Detroit - 20


THE DALLAS COWBOYS: A MORTAL LOCK TO WIN THE NFC EAST.

Dallas @ Miami - In all honesty, I think the Cowboys have the NFC East on lock down. Tony Romo played enough last season that I can't seem to believe he was a one-year fluke, not to mention the defense is young, fast and talented. Miami on the other hand? There defense is filthy. At least it should be. But Trent Green is past his prime and Ronnie Brown will need to step up for this team to be a true contender.

Dallas - 24 / Miami - 10


THE NOT THAT SUPRISING UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK!

Seattle @ Arizona - I don't like Shaun Alexander. Never have, never will. I believe he, as well as Matt Hassleback are past their prime. Arizona on the other hand? I think they're on the way up, and they definately should have won that fucking game against the 49ers last week. As long as Leinart can realize he's not Rico Sauve on the football field, I think they'll be alright. Edge for Comeback Player of the Year.

Arizona - 23 / Seattle - 17


SNITCHES GET STITCHES AND THROWN INTO DITCHES. CINDERELLA STORY LAST YEAR, CRASH AND FUCKING BURN STORY THIS YEAR. J! E! T! S! WE SUCK ASS!

N.Y.J. @ Baltimore - I hope Baltimore fucking destroy the Jets this week. I didn't like Mangina last year, and after he ratted out his former mentor last week, I lost the small amount of respect I had left for him. You don't snitch, son. Period.

Baltimore - 20 / N.Y.J. - 9


JOSH MCCOWN. WHY IS HE STARTING?

Oakland @ Denver - This is assuming Josh McCown is starting for this game. Well, even if he isn't and it's Culpepper, the Raiders will still lose so... does it really matter?

Denver - 23 / Oakland - 10


THE SUPRISING UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK!

Kansas City @ Chicago - Since last week's loss, everyone is seemingly writing off the rest of the Chiefs season. Yes, Damon Huard is their quarterback, but Larry Johnson is a fucking beast. And depending on how he does in this game, I might just pull the trigger on a trade proposal. I cannot begin to believe that he'll just drop off for the rest of the season and not do shit. If he does, the Chiefs are fucked. But he won't. On the Bears side of things, how is Rex Grossman still starting? Could he even start on a quarter of the other teams? I doubt it.

K.C. - 17 / Chicago - 13


IF NEW ENGLAND LOSES THIS GAME, I WILL PERSONALLY WRITE A POST ABOUT HOW I SUCK AT LIFE. AND HOW THE PATRIOTS SUCK AT LIFE, TOO. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN THOUGH, SO DON'T WORRY.

San Diego @ New England - The Patriots cheated. We know. But it didn't affect last week's game and they've been punished for it. So can we please stop talking about it? I've never had a gut feeling more than that the Patriots are going to beat the Chargers on Sunday night. I'd bet my left nut. Really, I would.

New England - 34 / San Diego - 24


AND POLE POSITION FOR SECOND PLACE IN THE NFC EAST GOES TO...

Washington @ Philadelphia - As long as Donovan McNabb doesn't get injured, I don't see why the Eagles would have a problem coasting to an NFC wild card spot. And who knows, they might challenge the Cowboys for the NFC East title. However, the Redskins could fuck up that whole scenario by winning this game on Monday night.


Philadelphia - 24 / Washington - 21