SportsCrack

Week 16 quick picks

I know, I know. I haven't updated like I said I was going to. I apologize. I'm too busy trying to make money from home online. So far it's worked out pretty good and in a couple weeks I should be able to talk myself out of working 12 hour days and start posting a bit more. Well, at least for the playoffs.

If you'd like to help my endeavor, by all means, support my advertisers. Hint, hint.

I'm actually pretty pissed this week, since I only have $18 in my account and you need to deposit a minimum of $20 for BoDog. So, if the following parlay shakes out, I'm going to punch myself in the fucking face.

Bills (+2.5) over Giants (-2.5)
Redskins (+7) over Vikings (-7)
Lions (-4.5) over Chiefs (+4.5)

I'm not even going to look and see how much money I'd make with that. And to add insult to injury, I'd pick the under for the Bills/Giants game. I don't know what the line is, but I'd pick the under regardless.

Anyway, I should be posting more in the future, since money's starting to roll in -- so stay tuned.

Back in time for Turkeyday

I know, it's been like 4 years since my last post. My bad. I just wrote an informational e-book that will hopefully make me some greenage. And no, I will not whore it out on this blog because it has absolutely nothing to do with football.

Or... maybe I will, I don't know. Anyway, back to football!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and for the first time since I can remember, the Lions are actually playing in a meaningful game. I was looking forward to putting some money on them, but then I lost all of my money that I had left (until this Friday) this past Sunday when New Orleans shit the bed and the Jets beat the Steelers. Seriously, how did that happen? I took the Steelers and they were GIVING ten points! And they lost! I thought this team was the heir apparent to end the Patriots undefeated season attempt? I guess not.

Oh well. Here are the picks:

Lions over Packers.
Cowboys over Jets.
Falcons over Colts. (Upset!)

On a quick side note, I would like to wish Priest Holmes a happy retirement. I would also like to thank him for effectively ruining my shot at making the playoffs in my fantasy league.

You see, we only get two waiver wire moves for the whole season. This is to prevent faggots having an ever-changing starting line up like a waiver wire whore house. Anyway, not surprisingly, I used my two pickups within like, the first six weeks of the season. By week 10, everyone had used there's up except the commish.

My running back situation was dire and the Jack Daniels in my blood stream was telling me to make a move or lose. So, I stopped over my commishes house, busted out a trade that looked a bit like this:

I gave up: Plaxico Burress and LaMont Jordan and I got: Chris Chambers, Jerrious Norwood and a FA pickup (Priest Holmes).

Yes, I know, in the light of the recent Holmes re-retirement this looks like perhaps the worst trade in fantasy football history. But I didn't know Priest was going to retire after two games! I thought L.J. was done for the season and I was making a sneaky, genius deal.

Guess not. Thanks though, Mr. Holmes. I'm going to get fucking HOUNDED all through the Super Bowl party. Well wishes, though. I admire your efforts and am thinking about buying your jersey just to parody the whole thing and make fun of myself. I'm cool like that.

Power rankings and random ramblings to come. Stay tuned.

Week 6 Picks

Minnesota @ Chicago - Normally I would take Chicago here, but then I remembered Brian Griese is there QB. And I cannot physically pick them when that is the case.

Miami @ Cleveland - If Miami didn't have Ronnie Brown playing out of his fucking mind this year, I think they might have had a shot at going defeated. But even in this game, with Ronnie running crazy, I think Cleveland will pull out a W.

P.S. Watching the Sox-Indians game right now... it's 9-6 Indians still Top of the 11th and all I have to say: Why the fuck did we sign Eric Gagne? Why?

Washington @ Green Bay - Green Bay had a pretty good run until last week. And their momentum isn't going to be regained in this game, either. Skins win big.

Cincinnati @ Kansas City - I still think Cincinnati is a decent team. And I still think Kansas City sucks. So I'm going with Cincy, here.

Tennessee @ Tampa Bay - Shouldn't the Madden Curse come into effect any week now? I say Young blows out his knee and Tampa Bay squeaks one out.

St. Louis @ Baltimore - UPSET SPECIAL! St. Louis wins their first one of the year. Wait a second, Bulger and Jackson aren't playing. Gus Frerotte or how ever the fuck you spell it is starting QB? Scratch that, Baltimore wins big.

Houston @ Jacksonville - If Andre Johnson was playing in this one, I'd take the Texans. But he's not, so I won't.

Philadelphia @ N.Y.J. - I just traded Thomas Jones in my fantasy league... so here's to hoping the Jets offense collectively shits the bed. Except for Leon Washington. Let's hope he does good. Philly by a small margin--say, three.

Carolina @ Arizona - As long as David Carr is the starting QB for the Panthers, and he continues to wear those queer ass white gloves... I can't pick them to win. Arizona wins big.

Oakland @ San Diego - Lots of people are saying the Chargers are back. They're gonna go on a roll. While I think that's plausible, I don't think it will start this week. Raiders with a somewhat unsurprising upset.

New England @ Dallas - I'm taking the Cowboys in this one...

Haha. Just kidding. Pats win decisively. Ehhhh... say 10 points.

New Orleans @ Seattle - The Saints offense finally gets there shit together and puts up mad points like they did last year, ultimately getting them their first win. About fucking time.

N.Y.G. @ Atlanta - Giants win. Sorry, I'm tired.

WEEK 2 NFL PICKS

Well, the first week of the 2007 football season is out of the way. Many dollars were lost, beers drank and chicken consumed. Personally, I didn't eat any chicken last week but am looking to change this on Sunday by mowing some buffalo chicken wings. I didn't lose any money either, although I only won $10 out of a possible $40, so technically I lost 30 POTENTIAL dollars. But fuck it, that $10 made sure I drank some beers for free, and I'm not even going to elaborate on that one. Anyway, Week One is out of the way and we're on to Week Two. Here's the picks (with cool little precursors before them, as well as more long term predictions for the season, since I missed the Week One post last week):


IS BUFFALO FOR REAL? (CAN YOU BE FOR REAL IF YOU ONLY SCORE 14 POINTS THE PREVIOUS WEEK?)

Buffalo @ Pittsburgh - This is the first year I've ever put a large sum (for me, anyway) of money on a fantasy league. $150 to be exact. And the winner's pot could be as big as $750, which is a lot of fucking money. Anyway, I found it hard not to factor in my fantasy players into predictions when I was playing in FREE leagues, nevermind one with 750 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers on the line. Even though I think Big Ben and Santonio Holmes will hook up for two scores, I still think Buffalo will eke out a win. And yes, I realize that J.B.C. comment is about 6 months too old.

Buffalo - 23 / Pittsburgh - 20


HOW DO WE EVEN KNOW MATT SCHAUB IS GOOD YET?

Houston @ Carolina - I don't understand how people are 'hopping on the bandwagon' of a team whose quarterback has one career win. This team of course, is the Houston Texans. And their quarterback is of course, Matt Schaub. And I am of course, taking the Panthers in this one. Sorry, Houston.

Carolina - 21 / Houston - 10


JOEY HARRINGTON. HOW DO THEE LOSE GAMES? LET US COUNT THE WAYS.

Atlanta @ Jacksonville - I have absolutely no fucking clue what to make of this Atlanta team. They looked horrible last week, yes, but i was Week One. Give em' a break! Even so, I don't think they'll win this one. Mainly because until Joey Harrington shows some consistancy, and that he's not retarded, I'm going to pick against them. I'm cool like that.

Jacksonville - 27 / Atlanta - 17 (Oh yeah, M.J.D. is gonna have a huge day, too. You heard it here, first.)


THE BLOWOUT SPECIAL OF THE WEEK!

New Orleans @ T.B. - I don't like Tampa Bay at all. I think they suck. I don't like anything about their team except Cadillac Williams, who's listed as questionable. And no, I don't like Ronde Barber, even though he's good and probably not as annoyingly queer as his brother. Because of all of this, and the fact that I think the New Orleans offense is going to go fucking apeshit after last week's blowout loss to the Colts, I'm going to take the Saints.

New Orleans - 38 / T.B. - 13


JARED LORENZEN TOSSES IT DEEP TO BURRESS AND IT IS... INTERCEPTED!

Green Bay @ N.Y.G. - Brett Favre is like, 373 years old. Jared Lorenzen weighs like, 373 pounds. Future Hall of Famer, or a guy who has never started a game, and is the odds on favorite to be the next Burger King sponsor? Does this guy know he's playing in the NFL? Wouldn't it behoove him to lose a bit of weight? Seriously, what does that dude do at weight training sessions, eat B.L.T.'s? Chalk one up for the Pack.

Green Bay - 21 / N.Y.G. - 10


REMEMBER THE ARIZONA CARDINALS LAST YEAR? ALL THE NEWS STORIES AND FEEL GOOD ARTICLES ABOUT THE PLAYERS? WELL, THE 49ERS FEEL A LOT LIKE DEJA VU.

San Francisco @ St. Louis - I think attempting to make a sleeper pick at the beginning of a season is fucking retarded. Some teams who lost in previous years eventually win after progressing a few years? Weird. It's stupid. Yes, some teams will do much better than people thought. No, I will not spend countless hours pouring over statistics trying to figure out who it will be. Most likely, you'll pick a dud, and a horrible dud at that, thus making yourself look like an asshole. While the Rams were more of a sleeper pick last year than this one, I do think they'll improve this year. San Francisco on the other hand, who every media outlet from Connetticut to fucking Madrid has picked as the '2007 NFL sleeper', will probably go 8-8. Maybe 7-9. Look for the Rams to rape the 49ers in this one. And if I'm wrong, well, that would suck. But I'll deal with it.

St. Louis - 31 / San Francisco - 20


CARSON PALMER'S BREAKOUT YEAR BEGINS NOW. BUT WILL BRADY QUINN'S BEGIN AS WELL?

Cincinnati @ Cleveland - Last year, the Bengals underachieved in every sense of the word. Carson Palmer is a very good quarterback, though. And it's common knowledge it takes about 2 years to fully recover from an ACL injury. Palmer is arguably the most accurate in the game (aside from Mr. P. Manning). And while many people will disagree with me, I think he will live up to or even surpass the precedents that Peyton Manning has set in the NFL. Plus, I have Rudi Johnson on my lots o'money fantasy team and he better step it the fuck up against Cleveland. On a sidenote, I think Cleveland has definite potential on both sides of the ball. They just need a higher than AA quarterback leading the offense. He's going to be the QB for the future and I just hope Romeo Crennell puts him in soon. He's a fantastic coach and I think the All American Notre Dame QB can give him what he's been missing his whole career: a compatant quarterback. Even if he is a rookie.

Cincinnati - 28 / Cleveland - 16


AS MUCH AS I HATE TO ADMIT IT, PEYTON MANNING IS THE BEST IN THE GAME. AND ALTHOUGH I DON'T BELIEVE IN CURSES, JINXES, ETC. I THINK THE MADDEN JINX IS A REALLY HORRIBLE FUCKING COINCIDENCE THAT HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR LIKE, 7 YEARS.

Indianapolis @ Tennessee - As much as I tried to convince myself that losing Tarik Glenn would shake up Peyton Manning's world as much as it shook up mine this morning after finding out McDonald's breakfast ends at 10:30 (Why the fuck would it end at such a gay time? Why wouldn't they bump it up to 11?), I unfortunately think I am mistaken. I humbly admit that Peyton Manning will probably be the best QB in NFL history, not to mention currently (Followed side by side by Tom Brady, with Carson Palmer riding both of their asses). He got the monkey off his back with last year's Super Bowl and despite expert criticism that he wouldn't have as much drive, he apparently still has lots; rivaled only by his desire to be in 60% of the commercials on any given Sunday. Having Joseph Addai in the backfield, who I think will be the next L.T., doesn't hurt much either. And on the defensive side? Bob Sanders is fire. The Titans on the other hand, have appeared to have the Colts number in recent years. And while I think last year's performance by Vince Young was no fluke, I do think it was helped along a bit by a one Pacman Jones. Without him, the Titans are a 9-7 team AT BEST. And even at their best, they might steal a game from Indy. But not this one.

Indianpolis - 34 / Tennessee - 20


I REALLY HOPE ADRIAN PETERSON DOESN'T HAVE A MONSTER YEAR. I SWEAR, I'LL PUNCH MYSELF IN THE NUTS.

Minnesota @ Detroit - I'm trying not to focus too much on fantasy here, but after last week, I'm fucking bullshit I didn't land Adrian Peterson. I wanted either him, Calvin Johnson or Marshawn Lynch, since it's a keeper league and I failed miserably at obtaining any of them (It was an auction draft, cut me some fucking slack). Detroit on the other hand, is another popular 'sleeper' pick, however I cannot take any team too seriously that has Jon Kitna at QB. The defense shows some promise, the receiving corps is nasty and the Tatum Bell/Kevin Jones RBBC could definitively be a top 5 tandem. Jon Kitna though? Sorry. At least until he shows me he can win a game that isn't against the Raiders. (On a sidenote, I won a $75 dollar bet last year after claiming Mr. Kitna would not make the Pro Bowl. He came close, but close means jack shit. Not to mention, I'm a fucking genius.)

Minnesota - 26 / Detroit - 20


THE DALLAS COWBOYS: A MORTAL LOCK TO WIN THE NFC EAST.

Dallas @ Miami - In all honesty, I think the Cowboys have the NFC East on lock down. Tony Romo played enough last season that I can't seem to believe he was a one-year fluke, not to mention the defense is young, fast and talented. Miami on the other hand? There defense is filthy. At least it should be. But Trent Green is past his prime and Ronnie Brown will need to step up for this team to be a true contender.

Dallas - 24 / Miami - 10


THE NOT THAT SUPRISING UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK!

Seattle @ Arizona - I don't like Shaun Alexander. Never have, never will. I believe he, as well as Matt Hassleback are past their prime. Arizona on the other hand? I think they're on the way up, and they definately should have won that fucking game against the 49ers last week. As long as Leinart can realize he's not Rico Sauve on the football field, I think they'll be alright. Edge for Comeback Player of the Year.

Arizona - 23 / Seattle - 17


SNITCHES GET STITCHES AND THROWN INTO DITCHES. CINDERELLA STORY LAST YEAR, CRASH AND FUCKING BURN STORY THIS YEAR. J! E! T! S! WE SUCK ASS!

N.Y.J. @ Baltimore - I hope Baltimore fucking destroy the Jets this week. I didn't like Mangina last year, and after he ratted out his former mentor last week, I lost the small amount of respect I had left for him. You don't snitch, son. Period.

Baltimore - 20 / N.Y.J. - 9


JOSH MCCOWN. WHY IS HE STARTING?

Oakland @ Denver - This is assuming Josh McCown is starting for this game. Well, even if he isn't and it's Culpepper, the Raiders will still lose so... does it really matter?

Denver - 23 / Oakland - 10


THE SUPRISING UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK!

Kansas City @ Chicago - Since last week's loss, everyone is seemingly writing off the rest of the Chiefs season. Yes, Damon Huard is their quarterback, but Larry Johnson is a fucking beast. And depending on how he does in this game, I might just pull the trigger on a trade proposal. I cannot begin to believe that he'll just drop off for the rest of the season and not do shit. If he does, the Chiefs are fucked. But he won't. On the Bears side of things, how is Rex Grossman still starting? Could he even start on a quarter of the other teams? I doubt it.

K.C. - 17 / Chicago - 13


IF NEW ENGLAND LOSES THIS GAME, I WILL PERSONALLY WRITE A POST ABOUT HOW I SUCK AT LIFE. AND HOW THE PATRIOTS SUCK AT LIFE, TOO. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN THOUGH, SO DON'T WORRY.

San Diego @ New England - The Patriots cheated. We know. But it didn't affect last week's game and they've been punished for it. So can we please stop talking about it? I've never had a gut feeling more than that the Patriots are going to beat the Chargers on Sunday night. I'd bet my left nut. Really, I would.

New England - 34 / San Diego - 24


AND POLE POSITION FOR SECOND PLACE IN THE NFC EAST GOES TO...

Washington @ Philadelphia - As long as Donovan McNabb doesn't get injured, I don't see why the Eagles would have a problem coasting to an NFC wild card spot. And who knows, they might challenge the Cowboys for the NFC East title. However, the Redskins could fuck up that whole scenario by winning this game on Monday night.


Philadelphia - 24 / Washington - 21