SportsCrack

The Real Sporting World, Episode Five: Make it Rain!

Clips are shown from the last few episodes, culminating in the fact that the lie detector test and Clemens’ replacement are both taking place tonight. In a surprising twist, instead of showing each lie detector test in full, clips are shown of certain questions to our athletes in a montage. Some playful, circus music is playing in the background. Hey, the producers aren’t going to win any awards for this show, but they try! The fun starts off with an opening shot of McBeam.


McBeam: “Okay, after you give the answer to your question -- it will either emit a short low beep if you told the truth, or an obnoxious, fire alarm-esque siren if you lied. So it would behoove you tell the truth.” He starts laughing. Has he already started consuming his Jim Beam?


McBeam: “This is from Doug, who hails from Dover, Delaware. He wants to know, ‘Will you please stop doing so many commercials?’”


Peyton: “Never.” A short beep is heard. What a shocker.


McBeam: “Tom, this ones from Becky from Montpiliar, Vermont. ‘In all seriousness, how many times do you look in the mirror each day?’”


Brady: “Uhh..” He frowns, knowing he has to tell the truth. “I dunno, fifteen -- twenty times?” A short beep confirms our worst fears. Or most passionate desires.


McBeam: “Mark, no one at all submitted a question for you -- so we made one up ourselves: ‘Do you take any kind of medication?’”


Madsen: “Only the medication of the love for basketball!” He raises his hands, completely oblivious to the obnoxious fire alarm sound that informs everyone that was just a lie. “I LOVE BASKETBALL BABY, WOO!”


In between the montage, a silhouette is shown of someone approaching the Real Sporting World House. Could it be Clemens replacement? And why so quickly?


McBeam: “David from Chi-Town, USA wants to know LaDainian: ‘How much does Vizio pay you to pimp their product?’”


LaDainian: “What is that supposed to mean?” He frowns. “They don’t pay me anything! They don’t need too!” A short beep confirms what we’ve all known all along: L.T. just loves him some Vizio’s!


The silhouette is shown opening up the door of the house.


McBeam: “Okay, A-Rod. You ready?” The door can be heard opening. “Oh! Our replacement for Roger is here already!”


Peyton: “Wait, already?”


McBeam: “Yes, we actually have another place nearby that houses six other potential replacement athletes. I can’t tell you who they are though -- but your about to learn who one of them is.”


Brady: “Who’s the producer of this show? Is he alright?”

The camera cuts to the front door of the house, showing it slowly open. It reveals:

Pacman Jones!


Pacman: “What up, pimps!?”


He’s smoking what appears to be a large cigar.


McBeam: “Welcome Pacman!” He scurries over to try and shake his hand. Is McBeam a Cowboys fan?


Pacman: “Yo! Step the fuck back, PUPPET!” He points at McBeam.


McBeam: “Pacman, it’s cool -- I’m the host!”


Pacman: “I said step back!” He starts stepping towards McBeam.


McBeam: “Okay, fine, fine!” He starts backing up.


Pacman grabs a lamp from a nearby table and charges our mascot. He smashes Steely in the face several times. The show’s producers make a note to change this to a TV-MA program.


Pacman: “WHAT?! WHAT NOW!?” Several other housemates run over to peel him off of Steely. “I WARNED YOU PUPPET!” He’s pointing at Steely, very much bullshit. Steely is unconscious where he was beaten. Whether it was the lamp upside the face a couple times, his Jim Beam consumption, or a mixture of the two, the athlete’s love of Steely is shown by nearly everyone crowding around him. Everyone except Mad Dog.


Madsen: “Yo Pacman! THANK YOU! I HATED THAT PUPPET!” He offers a high-five to Pacman, who looks at him as if he was a strip club without booze.



Pacman: “STEP BACK!” He points at Madsen. A random person clad in black suddenly appears. He is seen escorting Pacman away with various, MMA type skills. The ruckus dies down once the legend is gone. The camera cuts back into the lie detector montage.


McBeam: “Manny, Jose from Costa Rica would like to know: ‘Plantains or flan? What is the better breakfast?’”


Manny: “He crazy! Everyone know is FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!” He points at the ceiling, grinning.


McBeam: “Okay A-Rod, Doug from the Bronx, NY would like to know: ‘Why are you infecting my team with your fakely intense, I‘m not gay but act it lifestyle!! GO BACK TO SEATTLE!!’”


A-Rod: “Wait, what was the question?”


McBeam: “Okay, Pau -- no one knew we’d be asking you questions so like Mad Dog, we thought up some for you by ourselves. What planet are you from? Seriously..”


Gasol: “Whatever planet milord came from, I am from also. It is the way of the universe.”


The camera cuts to a shot of Gasol being escorted out of the house. Kobe wipes his brow.


McBeam: “Kobe, Michaela from Champagne, Illinois would like to know: ‘Is your favorite color baby blue?’”


Kobe: “Damn right it is!” He shrugs, as if this was the dumbest question ever. Hm.. fishy.


The camera cuts to Steely being taken from the house on a stretcher. Once he’s gone, our athletes stand around like a bunch of dumb asses for a bit -- until Mad Dog begins to run towards the basement.


Madsen: “BOOOOOOOOOOOOZEEEEE!!”


Everyone smiles. Was that a bonding moment we just witnessed?

The cheesy, end of the show reality music plays, followed by a big drum sound and a preview of next week.

Next week on the Real Sporting World: Will McBeam be back as our well beloved host? Is Pacman seriously a real person? Who will replace Clemens/Pacman’s spot and is it a cursed position? You’ll have to wait and see, next week on The Real Sporting World!

The Real Sporting World, Episode Four: Kobe's Unwanted Guest

Clips are shown of the previous episodes, culminating in a shot of Steely McBeam passed out on his bed. The camera then cuts into the living room, where everyone, save for Manny, is sitting and listening to their host. From the sound of things, no one has said a thing to McBeam about his alcohol consumption.

McBeam: “We are going to allow one guest for each of you over the next eight days. We tried to pick whoever was first on your list to visit but if they fell through than we just kept going down.”

A-Rod: “Who’s first?”

McBeam: “Due to unforeseen circumstances, Kobe’s guest will be joining us first.” Everyone sighs.

Kobe: “For real? Who is it? My kids? My wife?” He sounds only mildly excited.

McBeam: “Actually, your wife was going to come but someone who wasn’t on the list convinced her to give them her spot.”

Kobe: “What do you mean not on the list?”

McBeam: “Well, they weren’t on the list. But I guess they really wanted or needed to see you and convinced your wife to let them come instead.”

Madsen: “I bet that didn’t take much.” Kobe doesn’t hear the snarky comment, and is instead looking at McBeam with a quizzical, confused look. Then, suddenly, a look of realization washes over his face and he groans.

Kobe: “Oh no..”

Brady: “What if we don’t like the guest and want them to leave?”

McBeam: “That would just suck for you, because they have to stay the entire day. If you haven’t noticed, they really like to follow pre-set rules on this show.”

Peyton: “They also didn’t fully think the entire thing through, either.” Peyton has apparently decided that this show he was stuck on wasn’t going to do much for his reputation and this, obviously, is making him pout like a little girl.

McBeam: “He should be here any minute.” The ‘he’ classification seems to have finalized it for Kobe. He knows who’s coming and from his body language, he isn’t too excited.

A-Rod: “Hey Steely, where do you keep the booze? I want me another Seagram’s!” Alex tries to make this sound as manly as possible.

McBeam: “It’s locked up for special occasions.”

Brady: “Special occasions, huh? So do you have special occasions by yourself in your room at night? Those were a lot of bottles you had down there..” McBeam doesn’t know how to take this, staring at Tom for a moment.

McBeam: “What do you mean? When have you seen my room?” The answer to this question is interrupted by a frantic knocking at the door. McBeam goes and opens it. Low and behold, a frantic, disgruntled looking Pau Gasol rushes inside. He’s breathing heavily as if he just sprinted to the house.

McBeam: “Welcome Pau. Kobe, your guest is here!” Kobe looks as if he’d like nothing better than to be able to sink inside the couch. Gasol runs over towards Kobe.

Gasol: “Milord! I have been lost without your orders!” He stands in front of Kobe, a look of relief spreading over his face. “I miss our candlelight dinners! I miss the thought-free lifestyle of following your ever order, your every whim milord!!”

The normally wise-cracking, witty bunch is speechless. This turn of events seems to have hit them upside the head like a Mack truck. Did he seriously just say milord?

Kobe: “Paul, what are you doing here? Basketball season’s over, you don’t need to follow my orders now..” Someone’s actions mid-season seem to have backfired.

Gasol: “Milord?” He tilts his head, staring at him in disbelief as if he just informed him that Chad Johnson wasn’t in love with himself.

Kobe: “Stop calling me milord! That’s weird, man! Come on!”

Peyton: “Okay, I officially believe in karma now.”

Gasol: “I was without direction, milord. I did not know where to turn. I appealed to your wife and told her that I must see you immediately. She said it was okay before I was even done asking! She understood my plight!” He raises his hands and looks at the ceiling, acting as if he had just survived ten days in a desert. He sits down next to Kobe, glancing at everyone else than turning back to him. At this point, everyone looks pretty amused.

Kobe: “Okay Paul, listen to me. You need to chill out. I respect that you follow me on the basketball court, but it’s the off-season bro! Relax! Have a drink!” He glances at Steely with the most desperate glance ever issued by a human. Steely, who is most likely sober nods and begins walking downstairs. Gasol begins breathing deeply and shaking his head. His hair is dripping with sweat.

LaDainian: “Does anyone know what we’re doing today?”

Clemens: “We’re taking a lie detector test and I’m not participating.”

Peyton: “Why not? You can finally clear up your name!” Peyton’s mood has changed entirely and he looks to be having a good time now.

Clemens: “Because lie detectors are for pussies, that’s why!”

A-Rod: “That didn’t make much sense.”

Clemens: “Whatever, go drink some more Seagram’s!” McBeam appears again, carrying a crate of assorted alcohol’s. Everyone looks over at him, except Gasol, who is still breathing deeply.

LaDainian: “We’re taking a lie detector test Steely?”

McBeam: “Yes. Should be fun.” That’s all he says. Frankly, it’s all that needs to be said.

Madsen: “Rocket isn’t going to do it, which is cool cause I already believe him. Guy didn’t need to take steroids!” He points at Clemens, grinning.

Clemens: “What’s wrong with you!? DO! NOT! CALL! ME! ROCKET! YOU FREAKY BASTARD!”

Madsen: “Whoa.. Dude. Chill out!”

Clemens: “No I will not chill out! You don’t listen! You’re the most annoying person I’ve ever met in my entire life! I can’t stand you!”

Madsen: “Wow Rocket..” He shakes his head. Clemens rockets off the couch and tackles Madsen, attempting to pummel him. McBeam was ready however, pulling out a taser and shooting Clemens in the neck. He shudders and falls back, shaking from the shocks.

LaDainian: “Nice one Steely. I don’t like this guy, he has no manners at all!” He shakes his head. Madsen jumps up, brushing himself off and trying to act like he wasn’t about to get the shit kicked out of him.

Madsen: “Thanks Steely. No telling what he would have done, being on steroids and all. I could have taken care of it though..” He nods, looking around at everyone. Everyone is staring at the knocked out Clemens, except Gasol, who is still breathing deeply and following Kobe’s orders to calm down.

McBeam: “Okay, Roger just broke the cardinal rule. He’s kicked out of the house. Any objections?”

Madsen: “Can I have his bed?”

McBeam: “Sure.”

Madsen: “No objections here!” No one else says anything.

Gasol: “Why did you not stop the confrontation, milord?”

Brady: “Is he like role playing or something? Hey Kobe, tell your liege that this isn’t King Arthur’s castle!” Everyone laughs hysterically as Steely begins prepping the drinks. Two unannounced men come inside and drag Clemens outside. It was completely random and no one seems to notice and/or care. As they leave, the doors are heard locking again.

Kobe: “Ever since he was traded to my team he’s followed me around like a sick puppy. The milord thing just started, he says it expresses his admiration and respect for me. He won’t stop saying it.”

Gasol: “And why would I, milord? I do admire and respect you!” He stands and points at Kobe. “HE IS THE BEST BASKETBALL PLAYER TO EVER PLAY THE GAME!” Spit comes flying out as he yells this, his face pausing at the end in what looks to be a grimace.

LaDainian: “Hey! Lower your voice! Your being rude!”

A-Rod: “I absolutely LOVE these Seagram’s! Does anyone want to pound one with me?”

LaDainian: “I will.” He grabs a Seagram’s and he and A-Rod begin pounding them as everyone else is staring at Gasol.

Madsen: “Hey Paul, why don’t you go get a haircut! Maybe it’s clouding your judgment!” Mark begins clapping, showing he has no problem being the first to laugh at his own jokes.

Gasol: “My judgment is fine, peasant!” He points at him. Manny suddenly walks downstairs, waving to everyone. He’s covered in paint.

Brady: “Where’ve you been?”

Manny: “Painting!” He moves his wrist around to mimic a paintbrush.

Peyton: “Painted what?! Our room!?” He frowns, knowing the answer to his question will not be good.

Manny: “Si! I painted cheeseburgers for you, Pay-tone! Pizza for me!” He rubs his stomach, grinning. “Mmmm!” Peyton sighs, shaking his head.

Brady: “Hey Manny! Some guy just time traveled from the Middle Ages!" He points at Gasol. Manny looks at him and tilts his head.

Manny: “Time travel!?”

Gasol: “I cannot time travel! I traveled here normally to consult milord!” He motions to Kobe. Manny’s jaw drops and he begins looking at everyone excitedly. McBeam meanwhile, has been slowly but steadily chugging his signature Jim Beam. Here comes the hiccups.

McBeam: “Okay everyone! Hold your horses.. We need to get ready for our lie detector test.” Everyone stops talking and looks at Steely, except Gasol, who is still standing and awaiting further Kobe orders. Steely begins fiddling with the lie detector chair and begins getting it ready for the tests.

McBeam: “Peyton, your up first.” Peyton walks over to the chair and sits, silence filling the air. Peyton is strapped in and McBeam goes and gets some index cards.

McBeam: “Alright Peyton, let’s begin..”

A loud boom sounds as the camera goes to black. You know, the one that sounds when something suspenseful is about to happen but the show stops in the middle of it? Yeah, that. That happens.

Next week on the Real Sporting World: Our athletes attempt to get out of the lie detector chair with dignity intact. But what questions will be asked? What truths will be revealed? Who will fill Roger Clemens vacant spot in the house? And why is Pau Gasol talking like he lives in the Middle Ages? These questions and more are answered in the next riveting edition of.. The Real Sporting World!!