SportsCrack

The Real Sporting World, Episode Five: Make it Rain!

Clips are shown from the last few episodes, culminating in the fact that the lie detector test and Clemens’ replacement are both taking place tonight. In a surprising twist, instead of showing each lie detector test in full, clips are shown of certain questions to our athletes in a montage. Some playful, circus music is playing in the background. Hey, the producers aren’t going to win any awards for this show, but they try! The fun starts off with an opening shot of McBeam.


McBeam: “Okay, after you give the answer to your question -- it will either emit a short low beep if you told the truth, or an obnoxious, fire alarm-esque siren if you lied. So it would behoove you tell the truth.” He starts laughing. Has he already started consuming his Jim Beam?


McBeam: “This is from Doug, who hails from Dover, Delaware. He wants to know, ‘Will you please stop doing so many commercials?’”


Peyton: “Never.” A short beep is heard. What a shocker.


McBeam: “Tom, this ones from Becky from Montpiliar, Vermont. ‘In all seriousness, how many times do you look in the mirror each day?’”


Brady: “Uhh..” He frowns, knowing he has to tell the truth. “I dunno, fifteen -- twenty times?” A short beep confirms our worst fears. Or most passionate desires.


McBeam: “Mark, no one at all submitted a question for you -- so we made one up ourselves: ‘Do you take any kind of medication?’”


Madsen: “Only the medication of the love for basketball!” He raises his hands, completely oblivious to the obnoxious fire alarm sound that informs everyone that was just a lie. “I LOVE BASKETBALL BABY, WOO!”


In between the montage, a silhouette is shown of someone approaching the Real Sporting World House. Could it be Clemens replacement? And why so quickly?


McBeam: “David from Chi-Town, USA wants to know LaDainian: ‘How much does Vizio pay you to pimp their product?’”


LaDainian: “What is that supposed to mean?” He frowns. “They don’t pay me anything! They don’t need too!” A short beep confirms what we’ve all known all along: L.T. just loves him some Vizio’s!


The silhouette is shown opening up the door of the house.


McBeam: “Okay, A-Rod. You ready?” The door can be heard opening. “Oh! Our replacement for Roger is here already!”


Peyton: “Wait, already?”


McBeam: “Yes, we actually have another place nearby that houses six other potential replacement athletes. I can’t tell you who they are though -- but your about to learn who one of them is.”


Brady: “Who’s the producer of this show? Is he alright?”

The camera cuts to the front door of the house, showing it slowly open. It reveals:

Pacman Jones!


Pacman: “What up, pimps!?”


He’s smoking what appears to be a large cigar.


McBeam: “Welcome Pacman!” He scurries over to try and shake his hand. Is McBeam a Cowboys fan?


Pacman: “Yo! Step the fuck back, PUPPET!” He points at McBeam.


McBeam: “Pacman, it’s cool -- I’m the host!”


Pacman: “I said step back!” He starts stepping towards McBeam.


McBeam: “Okay, fine, fine!” He starts backing up.


Pacman grabs a lamp from a nearby table and charges our mascot. He smashes Steely in the face several times. The show’s producers make a note to change this to a TV-MA program.


Pacman: “WHAT?! WHAT NOW!?” Several other housemates run over to peel him off of Steely. “I WARNED YOU PUPPET!” He’s pointing at Steely, very much bullshit. Steely is unconscious where he was beaten. Whether it was the lamp upside the face a couple times, his Jim Beam consumption, or a mixture of the two, the athlete’s love of Steely is shown by nearly everyone crowding around him. Everyone except Mad Dog.


Madsen: “Yo Pacman! THANK YOU! I HATED THAT PUPPET!” He offers a high-five to Pacman, who looks at him as if he was a strip club without booze.



Pacman: “STEP BACK!” He points at Madsen. A random person clad in black suddenly appears. He is seen escorting Pacman away with various, MMA type skills. The ruckus dies down once the legend is gone. The camera cuts back into the lie detector montage.


McBeam: “Manny, Jose from Costa Rica would like to know: ‘Plantains or flan? What is the better breakfast?’”


Manny: “He crazy! Everyone know is FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!” He points at the ceiling, grinning.


McBeam: “Okay A-Rod, Doug from the Bronx, NY would like to know: ‘Why are you infecting my team with your fakely intense, I‘m not gay but act it lifestyle!! GO BACK TO SEATTLE!!’”


A-Rod: “Wait, what was the question?”


McBeam: “Okay, Pau -- no one knew we’d be asking you questions so like Mad Dog, we thought up some for you by ourselves. What planet are you from? Seriously..”


Gasol: “Whatever planet milord came from, I am from also. It is the way of the universe.”


The camera cuts to a shot of Gasol being escorted out of the house. Kobe wipes his brow.


McBeam: “Kobe, Michaela from Champagne, Illinois would like to know: ‘Is your favorite color baby blue?’”


Kobe: “Damn right it is!” He shrugs, as if this was the dumbest question ever. Hm.. fishy.


The camera cuts to Steely being taken from the house on a stretcher. Once he’s gone, our athletes stand around like a bunch of dumb asses for a bit -- until Mad Dog begins to run towards the basement.


Madsen: “BOOOOOOOOOOOOZEEEEE!!”


Everyone smiles. Was that a bonding moment we just witnessed?

The cheesy, end of the show reality music plays, followed by a big drum sound and a preview of next week.

Next week on the Real Sporting World: Will McBeam be back as our well beloved host? Is Pacman seriously a real person? Who will replace Clemens/Pacman’s spot and is it a cursed position? You’ll have to wait and see, next week on The Real Sporting World!

The 10 NFL Off-Season Moves With The Biggest Potential Of Impact

In one of the most active, exciting NFL off seasons in quite some time, the 2008 free agency period gave all of those suffering football withdrawals plenty to whet their appetites. Or at least it did for me. Please tell me I’m not the only one who suffers from football withdrawals..

What follows is a nice concise list of the 10 off season events which have the biggest potential to impact everything in which they’ve come into contact with. It’s not a top ten because I figured it wouldn’t behoove me to try and rank things that haven’t happened yet and then try and pass it off as fact. History has a tendency to be unkind to people who try that sort of thing.

Why did I bunch these two’s retirements together you ask? Well, not only are their respective retirements likely to have a huge impact on their former teams, but they are also out of work at precisely the same time. And what do we know about NFL pre-game shows and recently retired players? That’s right, they facking love them!

Favre and Strahan are both the kind of people who have always tried to find the funny in life and I believe it would be a monumental moment should both of them land on the same pre-game show. It would change millions of American’s Sunday mornings for the better. Even if the two of them never team up, I’m confident at least one of them will try their hand in TV.

Sure, the guy’s off the field decisions have made many wonder if he’s somehow related to the Vick brothers, but try and take yourself back to when he was still playing football. He was electric, he made big plays and made everyone around him play better. He had such a natural ability playing the game of football, I was certain he would eventually become one of the best corners and all around playmakers in the league.

We all know what happened, but it seems a lot of people have forgotten just what he used to bring to the table. Although not until he suits up again will we see whether or not a year off making it rain has decremented his athletic ability or not.

Yes, he was the third best receiver on his team last year. But he was the third best receiver on the best offense, behind two other wide outs who had all-decade type years. Even if Stallworth plays average by his standards, his presence on the field will open it up for Kellen Winslow and Braylon Edwards. Or vice versa.

While his talent can only help the team, Stallworth’s multiple personalities/alter egos might have the potential to do some harm in the locker room. Do you really expect Jamal Lewis to stand by idly while Donte is speaking in third person, pretending he’s an alien?

The Eagles have taken some flack for not dealing Lito Shephard during the draft or in it’s aftermath. Now, they have three top-tier cornerbacks. True, there are only two starting positions at corner, but how is having three top-tier cornerbacks a bad thing? What’s the worst thing that can happen? They start a CB by committee trend? That would be a good thing! One gets tired, spell in the other one. The Eagles may be onto something here..

I wish I was there when Thomas Jones first heard about the Faneca signing. I wouldn’t have been surprised in the least had he done a cartwheel, hugged the nearest person, then began pouring shots for everyone. He is after all the same guy who had one rushing touchdown last year. That’s right, just the one.

Although he was partially to blame, the Jets offensive line also played a key role in Jones’ failing his quests’ for six. Faneca was an integral piece in a Steelers offensive line that was great year in and year out and looks to fill one of the biggest weaknesses for the Jets last year.

Even if Allen ends up dislocating a knee cap (Is that even possible?) in week one, his impact on the Vikings and it’s nation has been palpable. Barring such a catastrophic injury, it’s hard to imagine a world in which Allen doesn’t take the Vikings defense to another level. Now they have two of the best in the game on either side of the ball. Adrian ‘All Day’ Peterson on offense and Jared ‘I don’t have a cool nickname’ Allen on defense.

And don’t worry Vikings fans, I’ve never jinxed a thing in my life. They aren’t even real, save for the legendary ‘Jinx you owe me a Coke, bitch’ gem. So you should be good.

Had Moss taken the money and went to the Eagles, it very well could have changed the landscape of the entire universe.

1.) The Patriots lose Moss, Stallworth and Samuel and drop from their former ‘Elite’ level down to the ‘Well, they still have Tom Brady’ level. This would have caused all who dislike the Patriots to throw all night celebrations, a la every single state that’s not in New England. Vermont probably would have turned, too. Traitors.

2.) Having acquired a player of Moss’ caliber to pair with McNabb, Philly fans may have begun to think positive thoughts about the upcoming season. As we all know, that will probably never happen. Ever.

I actually subscribe to the belief that Turner, while a good back, will not live up to all of the hype. Not to mention I was bullshit the Falcons didn’t try and roll the dice with J-Norwood, who has a ton of potential and just so happens to be on my fantasy team. If the Falcons QB situation plays out like it should next year, meaning... shitty (Barring a Matty Ice coming out party. Quick side note: What are the odds that Matt Ryan likes Natty Ice with a nickname like Matty Ice? Isn’t it an absolute certainty? Is Matty Ice selling Natty Ice on television not a genius idea? Is anyone still reading this?), than Turner will have a hard time maintaining his career 5.5 yards per carry with eight men in the box every play.

On the other hand, Turner could be the next big thing and have fantasy owners everywhere punching themselves in the nuts next November because they didn’t take him.

Apparently, Ocho Cinco has decided to take one for the team and actually participate in his teams off season workouts. What a guy! No matter your opinion on guy’s ego and love of money, the man has skills and his participation in the Bengals 2008 campaign can only bring good things. Unless he goes all 2005 T.O. on them and single handedly destroys their entire season. It should be interesting to watch..

Out of everything on this list, this is perhaps the most surprising. McBeam, regarded by some as the best mascot ever created was let go by the Steelers as we neared the start of the 2008 season. Everything about him was supposed to be symbolic about the city of Pittsburgh. The Mc was for the city’s Irish heritage and the Beam because Pittsburgh loves it some Jim Beam. Even the first name Steely is a reference to the city and it’s history with steel! Genius! Nothing says Pittsburgh like alcoholic Irish steel workers, after all.

How will the fans react to this? Either they will be calling for his return by week two, or the 98% of the city who are not Irish, alcoholic steelworkers will learn to live without such a polarizing, potentially homosexual mascot. Take your pick, but all kidding aside I think it’s safe to say: R.I.P. Steely McBeam, you truly were a legend.