SportsCrack

Week 4 NFL picks

I'm way too hung over to write anything sooooo... here's the picks. I wouldn't put any money on them though--I'm 15-17 on the season. Which I guess isn't that bad but... I dunno.

Vikings, Raiders, Jets, Falcons, Lions, Ravens, Cowboys, Panthers, Seahawks, Chargers, Steelers, Broncos, Giants, Pats

The Week 4 Power Ten

Ranking thirty two teams just does not make sense to me. Why rank the bums in the 19-32 category? Or for that matter, after the top ten? Everyone knows they suck, why do we need to rank how much they suck? That's always befuddled me...

Here at Football Crack though, each week I will present the Power Ten: the top ten teams going into the following week. Let's get started.

#1 New England Patriots (3-0) - 38-14, 38-14, 38-7. Those were the final scores of the first three Patriots games. I'm not even going to say anything else, because I don't need to.

#2 Dallas Cowboys (3-0) - I've been saying all season long, they had the NFC East on LOCK. Now, they have the entire NFC on lock. They play the Pats on October 14th--too bad it's not a Sunday or Monday night game: it could be a Super Bowl preview. Bill Parcells must be kicking himself in the ass right now.

#3 Indianapolis Colts (3-0) - They showed weakness against the Titans AND Texans but they still pulled out the win both weeks. And as we all know, that's all that matters.

#4 Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0) - They had an off year last year, but they look like the Steelers that won the Super Bowl two years ago. Bill Cowher might be kicking himself in the ass, as well.

#5 Green Bay Packers (3-0) - Yes, I know. It even feels weird putting them this high. However, I still say the Chargers are the same team as last year. They were just too cocky, but they've been knocked on their ass and will improve as the season progresses. And the Pack pulled off a win against arguably the most talented team, pound for pound, man for man. And for that, I have to give them the #5 spot.

#6 Jacksonville Jaguars (2-1) - I held the Broncos in very high regard before they lost to the Jaguars Sunday afternoon. I mean, I still do--but the game made me look at the Jaguars differently than I had before. It's still early in the season but it seems Jack Del Rio made the right choice going with David Garrard over Byron Leftwich at QB.

#7 Baltimore Ravens (2-1) - They barely beat the Cardinals, true. But they pulled out the win. And just as I said with the Colts, that's all that matters in the NFL.

#8 Seattle Seahawks (2-1) - I'm still not sold on the Seahawks. I honestly believe they will lose to the 49ers. And the anemic play of Alex Smith aside, an impressive "this division is ours" win on Sunday will definately change my mind.

#9 Denver Broncos (2-1) - Jay Cutler is still growing as a QB. From what we've seen this season, they lost to a great Jacksonville team, so there really isn't anything to be worried about it.

#10 Tennessee Titans (2-1) - By all accounts, Tennessee could be 3-0 if they had pulled off the win in Indy. So I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and have them cap off the Power Ten. They looked impressive against New Orleans Monday night. Maybe it was because New Orleans sucks this year, maybe not. None-the-less the Titans are for real.


The list may be controversial, but please, if you disagree, skewer me in the Comments section. For real. I don't get a lot of comments. At least not yet.

And before I end the post, I went 7-9 last week so... there you go. I officially have no fucking clue what I'm talking about prediction wise, apparently. But you have to admit, this 2007 season has been pretty fucked up so far. At least that's what I 'm saying to make myself feel better.

Week 3 picks

I was 8-8 last week with picks... which if viewed in baseball terms means I'm batting .500. Which is awesome. But since the NFL isn't viewed in basball terms (it's viewed in football terms..) 8-8 isn't very good. Like a regular season record, it oozes mediocrity, yet it teases. As long as you didn't go 12-4 the previous season, 8-8 means your on the fucking up and up, baby.

However... (here comes a disclaimer of sorts) I have decided, for qualities sake.. that picking every single game, every single week is a bit much. I mean geez, I work two jobs, need eight hours of sleep each night MINUMUM to not be a douchebag for the first 3-4 hours I'm awake, and not to mention I have a kid on the way... so suffice to say, I have a lot of shit to deal with. As much as I would like to sit down and write about all 12-16 games going each week, I can't. So even though the ESPN Knee-Jerk question post was a complete disaster (the questions were sent in by fucking retards, read the previous post for more incite), I'm still going to rip off the world wide leader. Kind of.

John Clayton's 1st and 10? What?

How about Football Crack's...

4th and 5? Huh? How cool is that?

...Hello? Does anyone even read this fucking blog? Whatever... LET'S DO THIS! RAAARF! (That's supposed to simulate, in words, a bark of sorts. Think Rampage Jackson but with a dog. And less gay...





:O?

Just kidding.

No, for real. That howl gets me pumped up, Quentin. Whenever you do it I funnel a beer. Seriously. The howl is the farthest of far, gay-wise. Really, the sad part is it's true. But at least I don't funnel Natty Ices..

Or.. do I?

Anyway, I'm only going to comment on five games a week. I'll show my picks for every other game following my fantastic commentaries.

Week 3 picks:

Buffalo @ New England - Since I am a shamless Patriots fan, I will no doubt pick their game as one of my five picks of the week. And most likely, I will pick them to win.

Fuck it, I will definately, always, pick them to win. What kind of person picks AGAINST their home town team? I don't care if your from Detroit, you just don't do it. None-the-less, I will show my football knowledge with this simple statement:

Even though it directly conflicts with my fantasy matchup this week, Lawrence Maroney's breakout party will begin this week. He will have a beastly week against the Bills. If not, don't worry, I'll call myself on it.

In fact, some of my best writing comes from when I make fun of myself.

Hmm...

Detroit @ Philadelphia - Philly is overrated and Donovan McNabb can't even hit Kevin Curtis on a short out route, for not only the win, but my fantasy destiny in Week 2. Thanks again, Donovan. :D

And no, I'm not racist.

COME ON! I listen to rap music.

That's a valid reason, right? And how could I be racist if my starting QB this week is David Garrard? He's black... aaaaaand he's a quarterback.

Will I be pissed if he throws for 70 yards, no TD's and three picks? Of fucking course, I will. Will the verbal slanders I unleash upon him after such a performance rival Alex Smiths, the 49ers white QB after his last two performances?

Probably not. Garrard is a better QB than Smith at this point in time. And Alex Smith, thus far, is the most overrated QB in the league. Some prospect, he's been. Steelers will destroy the 49ers this week. Guaranteed.


Cincinnati @ Seattle - I put quite a bit of money on Cincy this week. Whether or not that amount of money is more or less than $10 shall remain to be seen.

Yes, Cincy's defense is fucking horrendous. But...

Yes, Carson Palmer will have a monstrous day. My fantasy opponent this week has him as one of their two starting QB's, though. :/

At least I gots Rudi Johnson! :)

Cincinnati will win, though. It's my NO DOUBT PICK OF THE WEEK!

Dallas @ Chicago - I can and will, never take Rex Grossman seriously. As a person? Sure, he's a nice guy. But as an NFL QB? I think I might be able to do better.

Dallas has the NFC East on LOCKDOWN! There! I said it AGAIN! And I'll say it every week until I'm proven wrong, and forced to make a post making fun of myself to counteract it.

I doubt I will have to, though.



Tennessee @ New Orleans - Yes, New Orleans has sucked so far this season. No, they will not lose to the Titans on their home turf in LA.

Yes, I need to cut this post short because I'm tired and have been drinking Natty Ices all night.

But quickly, the rest of my picks!

Miami, Pittsburgh, San Diego, K.C., St. Louis, Baltimore, Indy, Cleveland, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Washington.

Last week: 8-8. This week: The universe!

ESPN Knee Jerk Questions

I like to get ideas for posts sometimes by ripping off the questions ESPN asks it's expert panelists. Scummy? Probably. Do I care? Nope.

Let's get started...

1.) Sorry '72 Dolphins, Patriots to go undefeated.

On paper, yes, I think this could happen. But as we learned from the past few years Colts teams, keeping your team healthy and rested for the playoffs is more important than going undefeated, but increasing the risk of fucking it up and not sweeping the board in the playoffs.

Before I saw the Cincinatti Bengals defense last week, I thought the Monday night game in Week 4 might be a problem. But now, I don't think so. I mean, I could fucking throw for 300 and 3 TD's on that D. The Cowboys in Week 6 has some potential to be a deal-breaker, as well as Week 9 against the Colts. How the Colts game isn't a Sunday or Monday night game befuddles me greatly. Hold on, let's go check the games that did get picked. Dallas @ Philly on Sunday night and Baltimore @ Pittsburgh on Monday night. Not bad games, but come on. Maybe the NFL figured the Pats would have the AFC East all but locked up by then, which could be the case. Whatever.

Week 12 it's a Sunday night game against Philly followed by a Week 13 Monday night matchup against the Ravens. Two potential losses right there, as well as Week 14 against Pittsburgh. Other than that though, it looks like smooth sailing for the Patriots. They're bound to lose at least one of those games, it's just how the NFL works. Teams have off weeks. I have a feeling though they'll lose their first game in an upset to the fucking Dolphins or something, though. So the answer to this question is: The Patriots will most likely not go undefeated, but there'd be no fucking way I'd bet that they wouldn't either. 15-1 sounds about right, though.

2. The Saints are back to being the 'Aints.

First off, people react way too fucking quickly to things that happen in the NFL. The Saints are only 0-2 folks, yes, they looked horrible, but they have yet to play at home where they were fucking magical last year. I'm not even old enough to remember the Saints being called the 'Aints, and if I am, I must have deliberately chose to ignore the term since it's so queer.

For all we know, the Bucs are a good team. I highly doubt it, but you never know. And the other Saints loss was to the Colts. Didn't they win the Super Bowl last year? Yes, it was a rape job, but it was Week 1. There is 17 weeks in the NFL season. So let's calm down, please. The Saints are not back to being the 'Aints. And if it ends up as such, please, let's not call them that.

3. Steelers vs. Cowboys for the 4th time in the Super Bowl.

I like the Cowboys a lot. I think they're a lock to win the NFC East, and since the NFC is pretty weak, the whole conference as well. The Steelers are 2-0 and look pretty good, but they play in the same conference as the Colts, Ravens and Patriots. AND IT'S ONLY WEEK 3! THERE'S SEVENTEEN WEEKS! WHY ARE WE EVEN SAYING THE WORDS 'SUPER' AND 'BOWL' YET?

So let's save this question for hmm.. I don't know--Week 14?

4. Damn straight, the Pack is back!

I guess this one all depends on how you define 'back'. If you define it as not sucking ass for the whole entire season and being albeit, even a small, contender--then yes, the Pack is back. Like every other fucking question, it's Week 3. They haven't even played a notable contender yet and yes, even though they're in a weak NFC North, let's save the judgement please. They play San Diego this week, so if they're D plays up to par and it's not a total blow out then yes, the Pack is back!

5. Bad apple: Jets, Giants to go winless in 2007?

I don't know who asked these questions, but they're fucking retarded. Two teams going winless? Are you serious? The more relevant question would be, are they both going to finish at or below .500? I think the Jet's will finish 7-9 and the Giants 5-11.

But both of them going winless? I'm never using ESPN's Knee-Jerk questions for content, ever, ever again.

6. Bank on it: Texans will make the playoffs.

Um, no.

They've looked good, yes. But they've beaten the Chiefs who by all accounts suck... a lot, and they've beaten the Panthers who by all accounts... I don't even know. They could be good, could be bad. It's basically a toss up for them.

They play in a division with the Colts and Titans and could technically snag the second wild card spot if the Bengals are as bad as they played last week. But I doubt it. Maybe if Andre Johnson was playing this week and they stole one from the Colts--but he's not, so they won't.

And since all but one of these knee-jerk questions sucked... I'm going to make up my own:

7. The Razor's Edge in Arizona? Edgerrin James back to top form?

Yes. But nothing was really wrong with him, just his blocking and team as a whole.

I ready somewhere that Edge was asking all his coaches, new and old this past off-season what he did wrong last year. What happened? How could he improve? Nothing, they all said. For the most part they were suprised he got as many yards as he did with such horrible fucking blocking. So, with an improved O-Line and an improving Matt Leinart at QB, Edgerrin James will be one of the top 3 backs in the NFL at years end.

WEEK 2 NFL PICKS

Well, the first week of the 2007 football season is out of the way. Many dollars were lost, beers drank and chicken consumed. Personally, I didn't eat any chicken last week but am looking to change this on Sunday by mowing some buffalo chicken wings. I didn't lose any money either, although I only won $10 out of a possible $40, so technically I lost 30 POTENTIAL dollars. But fuck it, that $10 made sure I drank some beers for free, and I'm not even going to elaborate on that one. Anyway, Week One is out of the way and we're on to Week Two. Here's the picks (with cool little precursors before them, as well as more long term predictions for the season, since I missed the Week One post last week):


IS BUFFALO FOR REAL? (CAN YOU BE FOR REAL IF YOU ONLY SCORE 14 POINTS THE PREVIOUS WEEK?)

Buffalo @ Pittsburgh - This is the first year I've ever put a large sum (for me, anyway) of money on a fantasy league. $150 to be exact. And the winner's pot could be as big as $750, which is a lot of fucking money. Anyway, I found it hard not to factor in my fantasy players into predictions when I was playing in FREE leagues, nevermind one with 750 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers on the line. Even though I think Big Ben and Santonio Holmes will hook up for two scores, I still think Buffalo will eke out a win. And yes, I realize that J.B.C. comment is about 6 months too old.

Buffalo - 23 / Pittsburgh - 20


HOW DO WE EVEN KNOW MATT SCHAUB IS GOOD YET?

Houston @ Carolina - I don't understand how people are 'hopping on the bandwagon' of a team whose quarterback has one career win. This team of course, is the Houston Texans. And their quarterback is of course, Matt Schaub. And I am of course, taking the Panthers in this one. Sorry, Houston.

Carolina - 21 / Houston - 10


JOEY HARRINGTON. HOW DO THEE LOSE GAMES? LET US COUNT THE WAYS.

Atlanta @ Jacksonville - I have absolutely no fucking clue what to make of this Atlanta team. They looked horrible last week, yes, but i was Week One. Give em' a break! Even so, I don't think they'll win this one. Mainly because until Joey Harrington shows some consistancy, and that he's not retarded, I'm going to pick against them. I'm cool like that.

Jacksonville - 27 / Atlanta - 17 (Oh yeah, M.J.D. is gonna have a huge day, too. You heard it here, first.)


THE BLOWOUT SPECIAL OF THE WEEK!

New Orleans @ T.B. - I don't like Tampa Bay at all. I think they suck. I don't like anything about their team except Cadillac Williams, who's listed as questionable. And no, I don't like Ronde Barber, even though he's good and probably not as annoyingly queer as his brother. Because of all of this, and the fact that I think the New Orleans offense is going to go fucking apeshit after last week's blowout loss to the Colts, I'm going to take the Saints.

New Orleans - 38 / T.B. - 13


JARED LORENZEN TOSSES IT DEEP TO BURRESS AND IT IS... INTERCEPTED!

Green Bay @ N.Y.G. - Brett Favre is like, 373 years old. Jared Lorenzen weighs like, 373 pounds. Future Hall of Famer, or a guy who has never started a game, and is the odds on favorite to be the next Burger King sponsor? Does this guy know he's playing in the NFL? Wouldn't it behoove him to lose a bit of weight? Seriously, what does that dude do at weight training sessions, eat B.L.T.'s? Chalk one up for the Pack.

Green Bay - 21 / N.Y.G. - 10


REMEMBER THE ARIZONA CARDINALS LAST YEAR? ALL THE NEWS STORIES AND FEEL GOOD ARTICLES ABOUT THE PLAYERS? WELL, THE 49ERS FEEL A LOT LIKE DEJA VU.

San Francisco @ St. Louis - I think attempting to make a sleeper pick at the beginning of a season is fucking retarded. Some teams who lost in previous years eventually win after progressing a few years? Weird. It's stupid. Yes, some teams will do much better than people thought. No, I will not spend countless hours pouring over statistics trying to figure out who it will be. Most likely, you'll pick a dud, and a horrible dud at that, thus making yourself look like an asshole. While the Rams were more of a sleeper pick last year than this one, I do think they'll improve this year. San Francisco on the other hand, who every media outlet from Connetticut to fucking Madrid has picked as the '2007 NFL sleeper', will probably go 8-8. Maybe 7-9. Look for the Rams to rape the 49ers in this one. And if I'm wrong, well, that would suck. But I'll deal with it.

St. Louis - 31 / San Francisco - 20


CARSON PALMER'S BREAKOUT YEAR BEGINS NOW. BUT WILL BRADY QUINN'S BEGIN AS WELL?

Cincinnati @ Cleveland - Last year, the Bengals underachieved in every sense of the word. Carson Palmer is a very good quarterback, though. And it's common knowledge it takes about 2 years to fully recover from an ACL injury. Palmer is arguably the most accurate in the game (aside from Mr. P. Manning). And while many people will disagree with me, I think he will live up to or even surpass the precedents that Peyton Manning has set in the NFL. Plus, I have Rudi Johnson on my lots o'money fantasy team and he better step it the fuck up against Cleveland. On a sidenote, I think Cleveland has definite potential on both sides of the ball. They just need a higher than AA quarterback leading the offense. He's going to be the QB for the future and I just hope Romeo Crennell puts him in soon. He's a fantastic coach and I think the All American Notre Dame QB can give him what he's been missing his whole career: a compatant quarterback. Even if he is a rookie.

Cincinnati - 28 / Cleveland - 16


AS MUCH AS I HATE TO ADMIT IT, PEYTON MANNING IS THE BEST IN THE GAME. AND ALTHOUGH I DON'T BELIEVE IN CURSES, JINXES, ETC. I THINK THE MADDEN JINX IS A REALLY HORRIBLE FUCKING COINCIDENCE THAT HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR LIKE, 7 YEARS.

Indianapolis @ Tennessee - As much as I tried to convince myself that losing Tarik Glenn would shake up Peyton Manning's world as much as it shook up mine this morning after finding out McDonald's breakfast ends at 10:30 (Why the fuck would it end at such a gay time? Why wouldn't they bump it up to 11?), I unfortunately think I am mistaken. I humbly admit that Peyton Manning will probably be the best QB in NFL history, not to mention currently (Followed side by side by Tom Brady, with Carson Palmer riding both of their asses). He got the monkey off his back with last year's Super Bowl and despite expert criticism that he wouldn't have as much drive, he apparently still has lots; rivaled only by his desire to be in 60% of the commercials on any given Sunday. Having Joseph Addai in the backfield, who I think will be the next L.T., doesn't hurt much either. And on the defensive side? Bob Sanders is fire. The Titans on the other hand, have appeared to have the Colts number in recent years. And while I think last year's performance by Vince Young was no fluke, I do think it was helped along a bit by a one Pacman Jones. Without him, the Titans are a 9-7 team AT BEST. And even at their best, they might steal a game from Indy. But not this one.

Indianpolis - 34 / Tennessee - 20


I REALLY HOPE ADRIAN PETERSON DOESN'T HAVE A MONSTER YEAR. I SWEAR, I'LL PUNCH MYSELF IN THE NUTS.

Minnesota @ Detroit - I'm trying not to focus too much on fantasy here, but after last week, I'm fucking bullshit I didn't land Adrian Peterson. I wanted either him, Calvin Johnson or Marshawn Lynch, since it's a keeper league and I failed miserably at obtaining any of them (It was an auction draft, cut me some fucking slack). Detroit on the other hand, is another popular 'sleeper' pick, however I cannot take any team too seriously that has Jon Kitna at QB. The defense shows some promise, the receiving corps is nasty and the Tatum Bell/Kevin Jones RBBC could definitively be a top 5 tandem. Jon Kitna though? Sorry. At least until he shows me he can win a game that isn't against the Raiders. (On a sidenote, I won a $75 dollar bet last year after claiming Mr. Kitna would not make the Pro Bowl. He came close, but close means jack shit. Not to mention, I'm a fucking genius.)

Minnesota - 26 / Detroit - 20


THE DALLAS COWBOYS: A MORTAL LOCK TO WIN THE NFC EAST.

Dallas @ Miami - In all honesty, I think the Cowboys have the NFC East on lock down. Tony Romo played enough last season that I can't seem to believe he was a one-year fluke, not to mention the defense is young, fast and talented. Miami on the other hand? There defense is filthy. At least it should be. But Trent Green is past his prime and Ronnie Brown will need to step up for this team to be a true contender.

Dallas - 24 / Miami - 10


THE NOT THAT SUPRISING UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK!

Seattle @ Arizona - I don't like Shaun Alexander. Never have, never will. I believe he, as well as Matt Hassleback are past their prime. Arizona on the other hand? I think they're on the way up, and they definately should have won that fucking game against the 49ers last week. As long as Leinart can realize he's not Rico Sauve on the football field, I think they'll be alright. Edge for Comeback Player of the Year.

Arizona - 23 / Seattle - 17


SNITCHES GET STITCHES AND THROWN INTO DITCHES. CINDERELLA STORY LAST YEAR, CRASH AND FUCKING BURN STORY THIS YEAR. J! E! T! S! WE SUCK ASS!

N.Y.J. @ Baltimore - I hope Baltimore fucking destroy the Jets this week. I didn't like Mangina last year, and after he ratted out his former mentor last week, I lost the small amount of respect I had left for him. You don't snitch, son. Period.

Baltimore - 20 / N.Y.J. - 9


JOSH MCCOWN. WHY IS HE STARTING?

Oakland @ Denver - This is assuming Josh McCown is starting for this game. Well, even if he isn't and it's Culpepper, the Raiders will still lose so... does it really matter?

Denver - 23 / Oakland - 10


THE SUPRISING UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK!

Kansas City @ Chicago - Since last week's loss, everyone is seemingly writing off the rest of the Chiefs season. Yes, Damon Huard is their quarterback, but Larry Johnson is a fucking beast. And depending on how he does in this game, I might just pull the trigger on a trade proposal. I cannot begin to believe that he'll just drop off for the rest of the season and not do shit. If he does, the Chiefs are fucked. But he won't. On the Bears side of things, how is Rex Grossman still starting? Could he even start on a quarter of the other teams? I doubt it.

K.C. - 17 / Chicago - 13


IF NEW ENGLAND LOSES THIS GAME, I WILL PERSONALLY WRITE A POST ABOUT HOW I SUCK AT LIFE. AND HOW THE PATRIOTS SUCK AT LIFE, TOO. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN THOUGH, SO DON'T WORRY.

San Diego @ New England - The Patriots cheated. We know. But it didn't affect last week's game and they've been punished for it. So can we please stop talking about it? I've never had a gut feeling more than that the Patriots are going to beat the Chargers on Sunday night. I'd bet my left nut. Really, I would.

New England - 34 / San Diego - 24


AND POLE POSITION FOR SECOND PLACE IN THE NFC EAST GOES TO...

Washington @ Philadelphia - As long as Donovan McNabb doesn't get injured, I don't see why the Eagles would have a problem coasting to an NFC wild card spot. And who knows, they might challenge the Cowboys for the NFC East title. However, the Redskins could fuck up that whole scenario by winning this game on Monday night.


Philadelphia - 24 / Washington - 21