SportsCrack

The Real Sporting World, Episode Two: Where are all the Vizios?

Clips are shown from last week’s first episode. The camera then cuts to a sky shot which is looking down on all eight athletes and host Steely McBeam. It zooms in, showing all eight guys staring curiously at their host. Steely is trying to play it off that it’s not ridiculously weird that he’s here.

Mark Madsen raises his hand. McBeam either doesn’t see it, or feels that it’s too ridiculous a gesture to acknowledge.

L.T. looks longingly down at his helmet. He wants to put it on, but is waiting for the right moment. Clemens is still staring at McBeam.

Manny runs over to Steely and gives him a hug.

Kobe meanwhile has taken it upon himself to just start walking towards the entrance of the house. Madsen realizes no one’s going to call on him to ask his question, so he just goes ahead and talks.

Madsen looks around at everyone as if they all had twelve heads. They must be kidding!

L.T. shrugs and puts his Darth Vader helmet on. If Madsen was going to play basketball, than he was going to play some football, no matter how far from actual football it would be. He begins running around, juking out imaginary people.

The camera cuts to the inside of the living room, where McBeam has succeeded in gathering everyone for a briefing. Kobe is all by himself on the biggest couch, stretched out and with his hands behind his head. Manny is sitting on the floor, even though there are several actual seats available. Tom Brady is leaning against a pylon, arms crossed and a serious modeling look on his face. He did have ladies to impress during this show, after all.

L.T. takes off his helmet. He’s drenched in sweat, raining bullets of it down onto the floor below him.

L.T. doesn’t hear him, he’s too busy looking around the living room, craning his neck in every which way. He turns to McBeam.

Kobe shakes his head, sticking out his tongue for no logical reason. He points at L.T.

McBeam seems to be getting antsy. This wasn’t going at all like he imagined it would.

Kobe informs everyone with a whisper that Clemens is talking about the documentary in which he swore up and down he’d never taken steroids. It was a very cheesy, self-serving, unconvincing documentary. The entire room busts out laughing, including Manny, although he is laughing at the color of the coffee table.

Clemens face has turned a shade of purple at this point and he begins breathing deeply, sitting down, leaning back and closing his eyes. Someone isn’t having a good time.

Manny begins bobbing his head, flashing a grin. He crosses two fingers together and points at them with his other hand.

Peyton looks uneasy about something. After making sure he has a good angle to the camera, he turns to McBeam.

Kobe disregards that L.T. had just asked a question, instead asking on of his own.

Peyton stands up, fuming.

Madsen runs in on the argument, dribbling a basketball.

Everyone’s jaw drops as they stare at him.

The camera cuts to black and some cheesy, reality show music plays. You know, the kind where something crazy just happened and they want express it through sound? Yeah, that.

Next week on The Real Sporting World: Find out what happens when a room full of alcohol is discovered in Steely McBeam’s downstairs living quarters! Hey, you’d drink to if you had to wear that costume! Will our athletes discover that McBeam has a problem and try and help him?! Or will they steal his stash and get bombed on their second night in the house!? Stay tuned!

The Real Sporting World: Pilot Episode

An unseen person begins narrating a camera shot of a medium sized mansion. The voice is high-pitched, almost as if it just inhaled an entire helium balloon.

Unknown voice: “Welcome to the location of the next great reality show! Seven of our finest athletes and one motivational male cheerleader are currently on their way to this very house. It is here that they will discover that they’ll be spending the next eight weeks together, under this very roof!”

The camera swoops down and pushes through the front doors, still aimed a bit high.

Unknown voice: “What kind of antics will they pull? How will they gel? Will they get pissed when they discover that they’ll be locked in here for the next eight weeks?”

The camera begins moving downward, slowly revealing someone standing in the middle of the entrance hall. Slowly but surely, it’s finally revealed… it’s Steely McBeam!

Steely McBeam: “Welcome to the Real Sporting World! I’m your host, Steely McBeam. You probably remember me as the mascot for the Steelers who has the most retarded nickname in the history of mascots. Either that, or you know me as the mascot who looks like the gay construction guy from the Village People. No matter, I am your host for this groundbreaking new reality show! Enough about me though, let’s take a look at the athletes who are currently en route to the house!”

The camera cuts away, showing a helicopter racing through the air. It then cuts inside, revealing a buckled Roger Clemens and Mark Madsen. Madsen looks like a kid in candy store, while Clemens looks just plain bullshit.

Clemens looks at Madsen’s outstretched hand in disgust.

Madsen’s jaw drops, he clearly doesn’t believe what he just heard.

As the camera cuts away Clemens is clenching his jaw, a vein throbbing in his temple.

The next shot is inside of what looks to be a cab. Inside are Manny Ramirez, who’s grinning from ear to ear and Peyton Manning, who’s thoughtfully wondering why there’s another athlete joining him on his show.

Manny starts laughing, pointing out the window at nothing in particular. A squirrel perhaps? Whatever it is, he doesn't seem to be too interested in Peyton's drivel.

He claps Peyton on the shoulder, grinning and looking very thrilled with the entire situation. Peyton puts his hand in his palm, leaning it against the window.

The camera cuts away again, this time revealing a horse drawn carriage. Yes, that’s right. Being pulled in full view are a very uncomfortable looking Kobe Bryant and LaDainian Tomlinson.

Kobe looks down at the helmet in LaDainian’s lap.

L.T. looks down and gives an aw shucks shrug.

He looks over at Kobe who doubles over laughing. He clearly thought it was funny but he appears to be trying to sell it a tad too hard.

Kobe stops laughing, not quite sure what to do or say. He sticks out his tongue and shrugs.

He considers the question for a minute.

Kobe rubs his hands together in anticipation, tongue still hanging out of his mouth. L.T. looks down at his helmet than back at Kobe.

The camera cuts away, showing a visage of a house that looks a lot like the one at the beginning of the show. It swoops down the street, zooming in for a shot of two men attempting to ride a tandem bicycle. It’s Tom Brady and Alex Rodriguez and they aren’t making much progress.

Tom gets off the tandem bike and stares at A-Rod, shaking his head.

The camera pans away as the two keep pushing towards the house. Suddenly the helicopter, cab and horse drawn carriage can be seen arriving at the house, just ahead of the bicycle boys. Host Steely McBeam’s annoying, high pitched voice cuts in, narrating over the scene.

The Real Sporting World: Intro Audition Tapes

Eight athletes. One house. Zero reasons for them to actually be there. What happens when they stop being polite… and start acting like overpaid children? Well, let’s find out!

Before we join our unsuspecting athletes let’s take a look at what got them here: They’re winning audition tapes! The athletes did not know what kind of show they were auditioning for. All they were told was that it was going to be the best show ever made. And especially made for them. The producers knew this was a fib, but judging from the videos they got, many of the athletes were very gullible and went all out in hopes they’d get on the show. Well, that and they all jumped at the chance to feed their ego.

As a quick, but unfortunately necessary disclaimer, these are not real videos and this isn’t a real show. You’ll have to actually use your imagination. If you don’t have one, than you should do okay as long as you can read things and then comprehend everything in your brain on the fly. Live a little! Who will make the cut? Are we ready? Cue the videotapes!

Kobe Bryant

Kobe Bryant appears on video. Kobe is wearing a Team USA shirt and appears to be trying entirely too hard. If you look hard enough, you can spot different Michael Jordan memorabilia around his house. “What’s up, it’s Kobe Bryant! Maybe you remember me from those Sprite commercials or more recently, for being the best basketball player to ever play the game!” Kobe pauses, almost as if he's not sure how the blasphemy he just uttered will be taken. He quickly recovers, fake-laughing, “Just kidding. One of the best players ever, at least! I don’t know what you got going on with this show, but I want in! I am game! Put me in the game coach!” He starts nervously fake-laughing again. A voice from off screen can be heard faintly. It sounds something along the lines of “Stop trying so hard, dumbass!” Kobe stops laughing and shrugs his shoulders. “I mean, I’ll do it I guess -- if you need me. I got a lot of other stuff on my plate, you know. Better get back to me soon.” He nods, reassuring himself that he just sounded legit.

Roger Clemens

Roger Clemens appears on video. Roger is wearing an unbuttoned baseball shirt with a money symbol for a logo. He also has shorts and sandals on and he has a big, shit eating grin on his face. “Hello, my name is Roger Clemens and I have never taken steroids.” Someone whispers something off screen. “Oh, wrong video? Oh, okay.” He looks back at the camera. “Hi, I’m Roger Clemens and I do whatever it takes to get the job done! Absolutely whatever it takes!” He pumps his fist, a look of realization slowly dawning on his face. He quickly adds, “As long as it’s legal of course.” He nods. “And I will do whatever it takes to get on this show!” He turns and picks up a glove. “Even if it means not playing baseball this year, something that I haven‘t done often.” He turns and throws the glove into a small bucket, which is apparently supposed to be a trash can. “If you pick me,” He begins jabbing his chest with his finger, his face getting red and his voice getting louder, “THE ROCKET WILL NOT DISAPPOINT YOU!” He then steps back a bit and looks back at the camera, attempting to flash a charming smile. Key word there is attempting.

Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning appears on video. He is completely overdressed, wearing a suit and tie with a Colts blue handkerchief in his breast pocket. He is sitting at a table with lit candles, a bottle of wine and several glasses. “Good evening, I’m Peyton Manning. Whether or not you have enjoyed me on the football field, I know you have seen my ventures elsewhere on T.V. Because of this, I think you could say I know my way around in front of a camera!” He stops talking and grins for several moments. It is noticeably awkward. “I’m not going to waste your time going through the many pros of having me on your T.V. show. There are too many to fit on this film. Nor am I going to list the cons, because there aren’t any. Instead, I will leave you with just one phrase. One phrase is all you need to remember and I’m confident you will choose me for your show.” He pauses, apparently trying to build tension. Again, it is incredibly awkward. “Peyton Manning is a winner!” Peyton gives a nod of approval, taking this all very seriously.

Manny Ramirez

Manny Ramirez appears on video. He is in his pool, wearing yellow rubber duck floaties and Scooby-Doo swimming trunks. “Heylo, this is Manny Ramirez! I know what it take to win! You know? Do you like my floats?” He motions to his floaties. “I reeeeeally, reeeeeeally want to be on yours show! I am not gone lie! Put me on yours show and I will do stuff like so!” Manny turns around and runs down by the side of his pool, turning to jump. He fails to do a complete flip, doing a colossal belly flop instead. He remains underwater for a bit until he comes to the surface and swims towards the camera. He clearly has the belly flop stomach ache but is trying to play if off. “Just Manny being Manny!” He smiles, shrugging his shoulders, trying not to grimace.

Alex Rodriguez

Alex Rodriguez appears on video. He is wearing his full Yankee garb and has a baseball bat leaning over his right shoulder. Although it doesn’t appear to be sunny at all, A-Rod is wearing sunglasses. “Hey you! I’m Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees. I heard about your show and realized I would be the perfect fit. I was saying to myself, I have everything they would want someone to have for their show!” He leans his head back and rolls his eyes, like he just can't believe such a coincidence has happened. “ I give one hundred and fifty percent all the time! I’m always on time! I’m loyal.” Alex glances at someone off camera after this last statement. It sounded a bit half-assed. He quickly turns back to the camera, convincing himself this last part was true. “Yeah, I’m very loyal! And I’ll be all those things to you all if you choose me for your show!” He turns sideways and gets into his batting stance. “If you choose me your show will be…” He swings, “Out of the ballpark!”

Tom Brady

Tom Brady appears on video. He’s lying down in what appears to be his backyard, with his hands behind his head and some dogs running around. “What’s up ladies. I’m Tom Brady and you’ll soon be seeing me on a new T.V. show about…” He trails off, realizing he doesn’t yet know what the show is about. He improvises. “It’s… well, it’s about me!” He grins, pleased with his recovery. “That’s right ladies, you can soon see me, Tom Brady, dog lover…” He pauses, glancing somewhere behind the camera. He grits his teeth, repeating himself, “I said, Tom Brady, dog lover!” A dog suddenly appears out of no where, running every which way but to Tom. He tries to lean over and grab the dog but he just runs away, eventually peeing on the hose hookup. “Oh Lilac, you bad boy!” He nervously grins at the camera, and then gives a thumbs up. Yes, you read that right. A thumbs up.

Mark Madsen

Mark Madsen appears on video. He’s dressed in full pick up basketball attire complete with headband. He is crouched in an incredibly low defensive stance. Probably too low to effectively play any actual defense. He slaps the ground with his palms. “YO! I’m Mark Madsen, or maybe you know be by my nickname, Mad Dog!” He slaps the ground again. “WOO! I am psyched to be on your show! I will provide all the energy, I promise. Why do you think they call me Mad Dog?” He starts shuffling from side to side. “Not to mention, I’m a great motivator! If your down, I WILL PUMP YOU UP!” Mark slaps the ground again, does some more shuffling, casually stands up and walks towards the camera. “Give me a high five.” He holds out his hand and begins walking towards the camera. “Pick Mad Dog and I won’t let you down.”

LaDainian Tomlinson

LaDainian Tomlinson appears on video. He’s dressed in his powder blue Chargers jersey with a football helmet on his head. The visor is down and he can be seen jogging in place for a bit until he stops. “Afternoon! I’m LaDainian Tomlinson, or L.T. for short. I heard you were making a video?” He takes his helmet off and flashes a grin. “Well, I’m your man. I’m not sure if you know it, but I am incredibly classy. Everything I do just oozes class. Grocery shopping? Classy. Getting the paper? Classy. Making an audition tape for the best show ever? You guessed it!” He starts chuckling. “Classy!” If you want a top notch athlete who is polite and gets along well with others than you need to put me on your show!” He puts his helmet back on. “You won’t be disappointed!” He then sprints off the screen. Yes, seriously.

There you have it. Eight athletes. Eight distinct personalities! Little do they know they’ll be thrown into a house together for eight weeks. There's no more eights, I promise.

How will they interact? How long will it be until there is the inevitable drama? Will they all be able to stay the eight weeks? Are you riveted yet? No? Well, you will be I promise. Expect many twists, turns and of course, the hilarity that comes with locking these particular athletes together under one roof.

Stay tuned for Episode 1: The Arrival.

The Sport Crack/Armchair GM Collaborative Tri-Season MLB Awards Presentation

After much debate, discussion and witty comments in the presentation portion of the article, I finally had enough information to pick a victor. For a full list of the awards and nominees click here.

If your too lazy to go and read part one, these are awards for the first third of the season. Why, you ask? Well, why not?

Barry Zito of the San Francisco Giants! Along with this prestigious award, Barry is also being heard in conversations about the worst contract signings ever made. Hey, at least the Giants have Tim Lincecum.

Chipper Jones of the Atlanta Braves! Chipper is on base pace to finish the season with a batting average roughly two and a half times his own weight! Nicely done!

Brandon Webb of the Arizona Diamondbacks! Luckily for me, I originally drafted the last two people on my team. Unluckily for me, I traded both of them and have since been frustratingly mediocre.

The Detroit Tigers! Detroit’s hitting has lived up to expectations, but it’s pitching hasn’t even lived up to AAA expectations.

Eric Gagne of the Milwaukee Brewers! Eric might be better off actually trying to sing blues for a living with the way things have been going.

Chase Utley of the Philadelphia Phillies! He’s been playing out of his mind, that’s all that needs to be said.

Edinson Volquez of the Cincinnati Reds! Edinson could have also won the “Who is this guy, exactly?” award, had it existed.

Francisco Rodriguez of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Yes, I’m aware I left Brad Lidge of the nominee list. My fault. If there were a silver and bronze medal, he would have gotten the bronze. But there isn’t, so…

Erik Bedard of the Seattle Mariners! Not only has Erik killed many fantasy teams, but he’s also helped killed the hopes and dreams of Seattle fans.

The Tampa Bay Rays! The Rays also would have received the “Team with the most players willing to throw down (and win)” award, had it existed.

Jay Bruce of the Cincinnati Reds! Is it too early to assume he’s going to be great? I mean, we’ve seen enough, right?

With that, the awards ceremony must now come to a close. Thank you to all who participated and apologies to all those who didn’t get an award. They’re not even real, so your good!

Fantasy Sports Quiz: How Addicted Are You?

In this day in age, in which you can be addicted to pretty much anything, one of the most obsessive past times has failed to get much attention. It’s likely you know at least one person who is way too into their fantasy teams and would do well by locking themselves in a room with no television or internet for a couple of days. But then you would have no one to randomly spit out statistics at the bar whenever you need them.




Because everyone likes to take quizzes that tell us what we already know about ourselves but refuse to admit, I’ve devised a quiz to gauge just how obsessed you are with your imaginary sporting teams. Are you a fair weather player who plays because it makes random games exciting? Or maybe you are one of the 24 people in the U.S. who have still not participated in a fantasy sports league. Regardless, you need to take this quiz and find out -- because your brain won’t give you an honest answer.

1. In the weeks leading up to the draft, on average, how many draft preview magazines do you have around your house?

A. None
B. One
C. Several
D. All of them

2. It is the final home stretch of your fantasy baseball season and last night’s results were key in deciding whether or not you will finish in the money. You wake up and realize your running a little late for work. What do you do?

A. Hop in the shower and hightail it to work
B. Check your league real quick, skip a shower and book it to work
C. Check your league with the intentions of it being quick, but it turns into a lengthier session and you end up being late for work
D. Call in sick, you weren’t feeling too good anyway

3. Your watching a game with your girlfriends father and the running back who is starting ahead of your young sleeper dislocates his knee and is carted off the field. How do you react?

A. You had forgotten you even had the sleeper on your team still and just shake your head as the players carted off
B. Pretend to be saddened by the news and remark that you hope he’ll be okay while celebrating on the inside
C. Grin, pump your fist and remark to your girlfriend’s father that that injury likely just netted you $250
D. Rocket off the couch, screaming in celebration and then immediately head to the fridge to snag a celebratory beer

4. Who is Colby Rasmus?

A. Who?
B. That British chef who’s always flipping out on people
C. A minor league prospect
D. Someone who'll play a major role in you winning your 2009 championship

5. How much time do you spend picking your fantasy team name?

A. Instantaneously upon sign up
B. Five to ten minutes
C. Several hours
D. You’ve already begun brainstorming for next years teams

6. It is an ordinary Sunday morning in October. What are you doing?

A. Sleeping, what else?
B. Getting ready to head to the bar with some buddies
C. Getting some food ready and watching a pre-game show
D. Sitting on the couch, surrounded by printouts of your opponents roster, obsessively trying to get an injury update on Brian Westbrook

7. On average, how many fantasy teams do you have per year in any given sport?

A. None
B. One
C. Three
D. You can’t remember exactly, but it was more than seven

8. Could you accurately describe to someone what O.P.S. is?

A. How about you explain it to me
B. I think so..
C. Of course!
D. Forget O.P.S., let me tell you about this stat I just invented

9. What are your opinion on waiver wire whores?

A. Aren’t they illegal?
B. They don’t bother me too much
C. Opinion? I am one!
D. They should be killed and thrown in the ocean

10. Your in earshot of many people on a quiet bus and your buddies calling you with a trade proposal. What do you do?

A. You don’t know why he’s calling you, you haven’t checked your team in months
B. Forward the call to your voicemail. You don’t want these people thinking you’re a fruit cake
C. Pay no attention to those around you and casually humor his offer
D. Answer and immediately start screaming at him for even considering offering you Michael Bourn and Curtis Granderson for Brandon Webb

All done. Now, add up your totals like so: A’s are worth one point, B’s are worth two, C’s three and D’s are you guessed it, five. Just kidding, D’s are four. Add up your total and get ready to take a look in the cruel mirror known as reality.


10 points - 15 points

You have failed to be humored by this fantasy game that has swept the nation. You generally regard those who do play as strange and not the kind of people you want to hang out and/or be seen in public with.

Addiction level: None, you get high on life. In particular, things that aren’t pretend.

16 points - 24 points

You were likely introduced to fantasy sports through some friends and have kept playing because it is fun and expands upon your sporting knowledge. While your not the type to commission your own league, you are the guy that people always call to fill the last spot in their own league, knowing you’re a sure thing.

Addiction level: It’s just a fling. Sort of like those who only smoke cigarettes when they’re bombed, you only play fantasy sports if your in the mood and want to have some fun. You have little to no chance of becoming seriously addicted.

25 points - 33 points

Congratulations! You are in the same boat with about 75% of the people who play fantasy sports. Your not crazily addicted, but your also not about to let the chance at some prize money slip by. You monitor your teams consistently and watch a variety of games because your both legitimately interested in the sport and because you want to monitor as many of your players as you can.

Addiction level: A regular user. Your at risk to eventually become fanatically addicted but your grounded enough to know that such a thing would not be good for your reputation.

34 points - 39 points

Your participation in fantasy leagues has officially become an obsession. You spend more time thinking about stolen base totals and interceptions than you do your own family. If you had to choose between acquiring Peyton Manning on your keeper league team or a limo full of strippers and booze, you would probably take Peyton Manning. This proves that you indeed have a serious problem.

Addiction level: It’s become a problem. Fantasy sports has touched all areas of your life, whether it be the bathroom, at work or in an airplane. The only good thing to come out of this is that you probably consistently finish in the money in all your leagues.

40 points

You are an enigma. A fantasy sports legend. You have won so many titles that you actually stopped making plaques for your living room wall. Most people don’t want to be around you because they think there is a strong chance your are legitimately insane. In fact, this is probably the case.

Addiction level: Off the charts. You are a mortal lock to be involved one way or another in the world’s first fantasy sports related homicide.