Thursday, June 12, 2008
The Real Sporting World, Episode Two: Where are all the Vizios?
Clips are shown from last week’s first episode. The camera then cuts to a sky shot which is looking down on all eight athletes and host Steely McBeam. It zooms in, showing all eight guys staring curiously at their host. Steely is trying to play it off that it’s not ridiculously weird that he’s here.
McBeam: “Welcome to the Real Sporting World!” He stretches out his hands. It looks just as surreal as it sounds.Mark Madsen raises his hand. McBeam either doesn’t see it, or feels that it’s too ridiculous a gesture to acknowledge.
Peyton: “Why are you here?” Peyton says this in the most scathing way possible, as if McBeam was his arch nemesis. McBeam: “I’m the host of the show!” He points at himself, nodding. He has clearly convinced himself that this is normal.L.T. looks longingly down at his helmet. He wants to put it on, but is waiting for the right moment. Clemens is still staring at McBeam.
Clemens: “Who the hell are you?”
McBeam: “I’m Steely McBeam! I used to the mascot for the Pittsburgh Steelers? I was too full of life for them so they let me go?”
Manny runs over to Steely and gives him a hug.
Manny: “What’s up McBean! I’m Manny!” Manny points at Steely and looks at everyone. Manny: “I like this thing!” He grins, nodding. It seems he’s not quite sure if this 'thing' is real or not.Kobe meanwhile has taken it upon himself to just start walking towards the entrance of the house. Madsen realizes no one’s going to call on him to ask his question, so he just goes ahead and talks.
Madsen: “What is this show going to be about?”
McBeam: “Well, your all going to live in this house together..” Steely begins to say but is cut off by Peyton, who has been staring at Madsen for quite some time. He walks over to him. Peyton: “Who are you and why are you here?!” Manning stops right next to Madsen, waiting for an answer. Clemens joins in. Clemens: “Yeah, why is he here? Shouldn’t you be at a playground or something?”
McBeam: “There was actually a mix up in the invitations. He’s not really supposed to be here. They tried to tell him that, but he didn’t listen..”
Madsen looks around at everyone as if they all had twelve heads. They must be kidding!
Madsen: “Hello!? Are you guys alright? I’m Mike, ‘THE MAD DOG’ Madsen! One of the finest defenders to ever touch a basketball? Speaking of my love, who wants to play some HOOPS!?” He begins pointing at everyone, looking around. Everyone avoids his gave except Tom Brady, who he tries to high five. Tom totally leaves him hanging.
Tom Brady: “I’d school you in hoops. Besides, I’m going inside!” He heads for the front entrance of the house.L.T. shrugs and puts his Darth Vader helmet on. If Madsen was going to play basketball, than he was going to play some football, no matter how far from actual football it would be. He begins running around, juking out imaginary people.
Peyton: “What happened to MY show?” Peyton begins walking towards McBeam now, demanding an answer to his question. McBeam: “The only one who said it was your show was you. I heard that they told you multiple times that you wouldn’t be the only one on this show and you just refused to acknowledge that you understood. In fact, the only reason you’re here is because we thought you’d really annoy everyone else and possibly cause a fist fight.”
Peyton: “I’m going in the house.” Peyton begins walking towards the entrance, completely disregarding everything McBeam had just said. Manny: “You have a squeaky voice, McBean!” Manny is staring at McBeam intently, studying his every move. McBeam: “Uh, thanks.. HEY EVERYONE! It’s time to go inside!” He motions towards the house, trying to get everyone’s attention. He succeeds, save for Madsen who’s too busy playing basketball defense on L.T. as he runs around. Everyone begins walking towards the entrance except Clemens. He looks around hopefully but only sees the tandem bike as the only means of transportation. Clemens: “What did I do to deserve this?” He shakes his head and begins following everyone else. Hm, I wonder?The camera cuts to the inside of the living room, where McBeam has succeeded in gathering everyone for a briefing. Kobe is all by himself on the biggest couch, stretched out and with his hands behind his head. Manny is sitting on the floor, even though there are several actual seats available. Tom Brady is leaning against a pylon, arms crossed and a serious modeling look on his face. He did have ladies to impress during this show, after all.
Kobe: “Hey, where’s L.T.?” Kobe looks around, prompting everyone else to do so. LaDainian was no where to be seen. Tom Brady: “Who cares? All the guy ever does is whine, talk about how classy he is and try to sell you Vizios!”
A-Rod: “Wow, real nice Tom!” He shakes his head in disbelief at him. The sound of a door shutting and something clicking can be heard. L.T. jogs in, his helmet still on. Clemens: “Little late, champ?”
L.T. takes off his helmet. He’s drenched in sweat, raining bullets of it down onto the floor below him.
LaDainian: “Sorry. I can’t see real good when my visors down.” He shrugs. Peyton: “Weird..”
L.T. doesn’t hear him, he’s too busy looking around the living room, craning his neck in every which way. He turns to McBeam.
LaDainian: “Where are all the Vizio’s?!”
Kobe shakes his head, sticking out his tongue for no logical reason. He points at L.T.
Kobe: “You do know they make other types of TV’s right? I mean, I got an eighty inch Sony flat screen in my bathroom. You know, watch a little poker while I’m doing my business?” He grins, looking around at everyone and expecting a roar of laughter. If there were crickets outside, you would be able to hear them. Kobe frowns and begins to sulk. LaDainian: “Whatever, I love Vizio’s.. they make me feel like I’m right in the game!”
Tom Brady: “Dude, are you alright? Stop trying to sell us Vizios! That commercial was like two years ago and everyone knows they suck ass then and they suck ass now!”
A-Rod: “Why don’t you stop trying to sell the meterosexual lifestyle, Tom?” A-Rod bursts out laughing way too soon for having just told his own joke. To the trained eye, he has just snatched Kobe’s overacting crown right out from under him. Clemens: “Wow. Way to throw stones at glass houses..” He shakes his head, looking as if he’s been led into some type of Outer Limits.McBeam seems to be getting antsy. This wasn’t going at all like he imagined it would.
McBeam: “Alright everyone, enough joking around. I would like to officially welcome you to the Real Sporting World house!” He motions around them at the house as Madsen begins clapping. He’s still oblivious to the fact that he’s not supposed to be here. McBeam: “I hope you’ve gotten close with your travel partners. They will be your roommates for your entire stay here.” Clemens jumps up. Clemens: “No way, NO! Frigging! Way! I am not rooming with that guy, he belongs in a junior middle school classroom!”
McBeam: “Well, your going to have to. If you don’t follow the rules, you don’t get paid.” Several people gasp.
Clemens: “So what? I made enough money with the documentary I just made to last me for years!”
Kobe informs everyone with a whisper that Clemens is talking about the documentary in which he swore up and down he’d never taken steroids. It was a very cheesy, self-serving, unconvincing documentary. The entire room busts out laughing, including Manny, although he is laughing at the color of the coffee table.
Clemens: “It was true! I’ve never taken steroids!” The laughing gets harder. Clemens: “Forget it! You better cut the shit or I'm gonna beat your annoying little ass!”Madsen nods coolly like it would be the easiest thing he’s ever done.
Madsen: “No prob, Rocket! I got you!” He holds out his hand to give Clemens a high five and is yet again denied. He is currently zero for three in high fives returned.Clemens face has turned a shade of purple at this point and he begins breathing deeply, sitting down, leaning back and closing his eyes. Someone isn’t having a good time.
McBeam: “We’ve placed Fatheads of you next to all of your beds. Well, except you Mark, we couldn’t find anyplace that had one of you and everyone refused when we asked if they could make us one. So we just threw a basketball on top of your bed.” Madsen bolts up. A lesser man would have been devastated at this Fathead news, but Mark ‘Mad Dog’ Madsen brushes it off as easily as a missed free throw. Madsen: “I’m gonna go get the basketball! WOO! Gonna school you all!” He sprints off. McBeam turns back to everyone, his fake mascot face unable to show his amazement that this Mark Madsen character was indeed a real human being. McBeam: “And we did manage to get those Spongebob sheets and pillows, Manny. The ones that you listed as the deal breaker on you coming or not?”
Manny begins bobbing his head, flashing a grin. He crosses two fingers together and points at them with his other hand.
Manny: “Me and Spongebob are like thees!”
Peyton looks uneasy about something. After making sure he has a good angle to the camera, he turns to McBeam.
Peyton: “Which of my fatheads did you choose? Certainly not any outdated ones, I hope?” He freezes his face as he waits for the hosts answer. It is worth noting that he absolutely sucks at acting. McBeam: “I don’t know. Do you really care?” L.T. takes a knee in front of Steely and looks up at him. LaDainian: “Is there a Vizio in my room?”
Kobe disregards that L.T. had just asked a question, instead asking on of his own.
Kobe: “What about the Hanes boxer-briefs I asked for? Did you get those?”
McBeam: “No and no. The only reason they got Manny his request is because they were actually on the bargain rack at a store when they were out getting other things.” Manny is no longer paying attention to anyone and is instead leaning his head on his fist, looking thoughtfully at the ceiling. McBeam: “It’s been a long trip, how about you all go get some rest!” A-Rod shifts in his seat, crossing one leg over the other. A-Rod: “What are we doing tomorrow? Can we go to the beach!? Volleyball anyone?” He excitedly looks around. Clemens: “I'm all set, twinkle toes.”
McBeam: “No, we can’t leave the house.. plus that would be weird. They’re still deciding on the specifics. Whatever they do decide on though will be loads of fun!” McBeam turns towards the camera and gives two thumbs up. Peyton should be taking notes. Peyton: “What do you mean by ‘can’t’ leave the house? I‘M PEYTON MANNING!”
Tom Brady: “Really!? Hey wait, aren’t you that guy I beat en route to a couple of Super Bowl wins?” He flashes a big grin for the ladies watching at home.Peyton stands up, fuming.
Peyton: “You can’t shake a stick at me, Brady. I excel in EVERYTHING I do!” Peyton spreads his arms as he screams this, sounding way too majestic. A good comparison would be the lead in a third grade play.Madsen runs in on the argument, dribbling a basketball.
Madsen: “Hey why are the doors locked? I wanna play some HOOPS!” He tries to dribble it between his legs and it bounces up, hitting him in the nuts. McBeam: “Well, it’ll be locked until the shows over!”
Everyone’s jaw drops as they stare at him.
McBeam: “Good time to get comfortable fellas, we’re gonna be here a while!”
The camera cuts to black and some cheesy, reality show music plays. You know, the kind where something crazy just happened and they want express it through sound? Yeah, that.
Next week on The Real Sporting World: Find out what happens when a room full of alcohol is discovered in Steely McBeam’s downstairs living quarters! Hey, you’d drink to if you had to wear that costume! Will our athletes discover that McBeam has a problem and try and help him?! Or will they steal his stash and get bombed on their second night in the house!? Stay tuned!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
The Real Sporting World: Pilot Episode
An unseen person begins narrating a camera shot of a medium sized mansion. The voice is high-pitched, almost as if it just inhaled an entire helium balloon.
Unknown voice: “Welcome to the location of the next great reality show! Seven of our finest athletes and one motivational male cheerleader are currently on their way to this very house. It is here that they will discover that they’ll be spending the next eight weeks together, under this very roof!”
The camera swoops down and pushes through the front doors, still aimed a bit high.
Unknown voice: “What kind of antics will they pull? How will they gel? Will they get pissed when they discover that they’ll be locked in here for the next eight weeks?”
The camera begins moving downward, slowly revealing someone standing in the middle of the entrance hall. Slowly but surely, it’s finally revealed… it’s Steely McBeam!
Steely McBeam: “Welcome to the Real Sporting World! I’m your host, Steely McBeam. You probably remember me as the mascot for the Steelers who has the most retarded nickname in the history of mascots. Either that, or you know me as the mascot who looks like the gay construction guy from the Village People. No matter, I am your host for this groundbreaking new reality show! Enough about me though, let’s take a look at the athletes who are currently en route to the house!”
The camera cuts away, showing a helicopter racing through the air. It then cuts inside, revealing a buckled Roger Clemens and Mark Madsen. Madsen looks like a kid in candy store, while Clemens looks just plain bullshit.
Madsen: “Hey Rocket! Isn’t this awesome? WOO! UP TOP!”
Clemens looks at Madsen’s outstretched hand in disgust.
Clemens: “First off, do NOT call me Rocket! Secondly, why are you with me? And who the fuck are you?”
Madsen’s jaw drops, he clearly doesn’t believe what he just heard.
Madsen: “Uhh, Mark ‘The Mad Dog’ Madsen? Duh, Rocket!”
As the camera cuts away Clemens is clenching his jaw, a vein throbbing in his temple.
The next shot is inside of what looks to be a cab. Inside are Manny Ramirez, who’s grinning from ear to ear and Peyton Manning, who’s thoughtfully wondering why there’s another athlete joining him on his show.
Manny: “I see you ALL da time on my T.V.!”
Peyton: “I get around. Not to mention, I excel in everything that I do. I'm presume you've also seen me command the football field as well?”
Manny starts laughing, pointing out the window at nothing in particular. A squirrel perhaps? Whatever it is, he doesn't seem to be too interested in Peyton's drivel.
Peyton: “What’s so funny?”
Manny: “That tree! It be VERRY funny! Look!”
He claps Peyton on the shoulder, grinning and looking very thrilled with the entire situation. Peyton puts his hand in his palm, leaning it against the window.
The camera cuts away again, this time revealing a horse drawn carriage. Yes, that’s right. Being pulled in full view are a very uncomfortable looking Kobe Bryant and LaDainian Tomlinson.
Kobe: “Uhh, yeah this is pretty weird.”
L.T.: “Yeah, I was expecting something a little more classy than this..”
Kobe looks down at the helmet in LaDainian’s lap.
Kobe: “Why do you have your helmet?”
L.T. looks down and gives an aw shucks shrug.
L.T.: “I dunno, I figured I’d bring it case the producers want a shot of me running around with it on. You know, carrying a football and pretending to stiff arm some people?”
He looks over at Kobe who doubles over laughing. He clearly thought it was funny but he appears to be trying to sell it a tad too hard.
L.T.: “What are you laughing at? I was serious!”
Kobe stops laughing, not quite sure what to do or say. He sticks out his tongue and shrugs.
L.T.: “Why are you sticking out your tongue?”
He considers the question for a minute.
Kobe: “Just a bad habit I guess. I do it whenever I’m in the mood for competition, you know? Who knows what we’ll be doing on this show! I'mma win this shit!”
Kobe rubs his hands together in anticipation, tongue still hanging out of his mouth. L.T. looks down at his helmet than back at Kobe.
L.T.: “That’s really weird, man.”
The camera cuts away, showing a visage of a house that looks a lot like the one at the beginning of the show. It swoops down the street, zooming in for a shot of two men attempting to ride a tandem bicycle. It’s Tom Brady and Alex Rodriguez and they aren’t making much progress.
Tom Brady: “This sucks! Let’s just walk the rest of the way..”
A-Rod: “NO WAY! I don’t give up that easily, Tom. Maybe you do, but I don’t! I give it my all!”
Tom Brady: “Hey, how many championships do you have again?”
A-Rod: “Yeah, whatever. At least I’m not a dumb ass. I mean come on man, I actually -play- for the Yankees and even I know that you of all people shouldn’t be wearing a Yankees hat!”
Tom gets off the tandem bike and stares at A-Rod, shaking his head.
Tom Brady: “I like the Yankees, Alex. Although, I'm finding it -awfully- hard to like you right now.”
A-Rod: “Yeah and I’ve got ice water running through my veins. Nice try, Tom.”
The camera pans away as the two keep pushing towards the house. Suddenly the helicopter, cab and horse drawn carriage can be seen arriving at the house, just ahead of the bicycle boys. Host Steely McBeam’s annoying, high pitched voice cuts in, narrating over the scene.
Steely McBeam: “And so our seven athletes and male cheerleader arrive at their new home. None of them knew they would be sharing the spotlight, never mind sharing it with other athletes. How badly will their egos be bruised? What are they going to do when they see me, Steely McBeam, welcoming them to the house? Anyway... be sure to tune in next week to see just what happens on the athletes first day in the house! Tension! Comedy! Drama! This is Steely McBeam signing off until next time. Don't just keep it real, keep it sporting real!"
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
The Real Sporting World: Intro Audition Tapes
Eight athletes. One house. Zero reasons for them to actually be there. What happens when they stop being polite… and start acting like overpaid children? Well, let’s find out!
Before we join our unsuspecting athletes let’s take a look at what got them here: They’re winning audition tapes! The athletes did not know what kind of show they were auditioning for. All they were told was that it was going to be the best show ever made. And especially made for them. The producers knew this was a fib, but judging from the videos they got, many of the athletes were very gullible and went all out in hopes they’d get on the show. Well, that and they all jumped at the chance to feed their ego.
As a quick, but unfortunately necessary disclaimer, these are not real videos and this isn’t a real show. You’ll have to actually use your imagination. If you don’t have one, than you should do okay as long as you can read things and then comprehend everything in your brain on the fly. Live a little! Who will make the cut? Are we ready? Cue the videotapes!
Kobe Bryant
Kobe Bryant appears on video. Kobe is wearing a Team USA shirt and appears to be trying entirely too hard. If you look hard enough, you can spot different Michael Jordan memorabilia around his house. “What’s up, it’s Kobe Bryant! Maybe you remember me from those Sprite commercials or more recently, for being the best basketball player to ever play the game!” Kobe pauses, almost as if he's not sure how the blasphemy he just uttered will be taken. He quickly recovers, fake-laughing, “Just kidding. One of the best players ever, at least! I don’t know what you got going on with this show, but I want in! I am game! Put me in the game coach!” He starts nervously fake-laughing again. A voice from off screen can be heard faintly. It sounds something along the lines of “Stop trying so hard, dumbass!” Kobe stops laughing and shrugs his shoulders. “I mean, I’ll do it I guess -- if you need me. I got a lot of other stuff on my plate, you know. Better get back to me soon.” He nods, reassuring himself that he just sounded legit.
Roger Clemens
Roger Clemens appears on video. Roger is wearing an unbuttoned baseball shirt with a money symbol for a logo. He also has shorts and sandals on and he has a big, shit eating grin on his face. “Hello, my name is Roger Clemens and I have never taken steroids.” Someone whispers something off screen. “Oh, wrong video? Oh, okay.” He looks back at the camera. “Hi, I’m Roger Clemens and I do whatever it takes to get the job done! Absolutely whatever it takes!” He pumps his fist, a look of realization slowly dawning on his face. He quickly adds, “As long as it’s legal of course.” He nods. “And I will do whatever it takes to get on this show!” He turns and picks up a glove. “Even if it means not playing baseball this year, something that I haven‘t done often.” He turns and throws the glove into a small bucket, which is apparently supposed to be a trash can. “If you pick me,” He begins jabbing his chest with his finger, his face getting red and his voice getting louder, “THE ROCKET WILL NOT DISAPPOINT YOU!” He then steps back a bit and looks back at the camera, attempting to flash a charming smile. Key word there is attempting.
Peyton Manning
Peyton Manning appears on video. He is completely overdressed, wearing a suit and tie with a Colts blue handkerchief in his breast pocket. He is sitting at a table with lit candles, a bottle of wine and several glasses. “Good evening, I’m Peyton Manning. Whether or not you have enjoyed me on the football field, I know you have seen my ventures elsewhere on T.V. Because of this, I think you could say I know my way around in front of a camera!” He stops talking and grins for several moments. It is noticeably awkward. “I’m not going to waste your time going through the many pros of having me on your T.V. show. There are too many to fit on this film. Nor am I going to list the cons, because there aren’t any. Instead, I will leave you with just one phrase. One phrase is all you need to remember and I’m confident you will choose me for your show.” He pauses, apparently trying to build tension. Again, it is incredibly awkward. “Peyton Manning is a winner!” Peyton gives a nod of approval, taking this all very seriously.
Manny Ramirez
Manny Ramirez appears on video. He is in his pool, wearing yellow rubber duck floaties and Scooby-Doo swimming trunks. “Heylo, this is Manny Ramirez! I know what it take to win! You know? Do you like my floats?” He motions to his floaties. “I reeeeeally, reeeeeeally want to be on yours show! I am not gone lie! Put me on yours show and I will do stuff like so!” Manny turns around and runs down by the side of his pool, turning to jump. He fails to do a complete flip, doing a colossal belly flop instead. He remains underwater for a bit until he comes to the surface and swims towards the camera. He clearly has the belly flop stomach ache but is trying to play if off. “Just Manny being Manny!” He smiles, shrugging his shoulders, trying not to grimace.
Alex Rodriguez
Alex Rodriguez appears on video. He is wearing his full Yankee garb and has a baseball bat leaning over his right shoulder. Although it doesn’t appear to be sunny at all, A-Rod is wearing sunglasses. “Hey you! I’m Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees. I heard about your show and realized I would be the perfect fit. I was saying to myself, I have everything they would want someone to have for their show!” He leans his head back and rolls his eyes, like he just can't believe such a coincidence has happened. “ I give one hundred and fifty percent all the time! I’m always on time! I’m loyal.” Alex glances at someone off camera after this last statement. It sounded a bit half-assed. He quickly turns back to the camera, convincing himself this last part was true. “Yeah, I’m very loyal! And I’ll be all those things to you all if you choose me for your show!” He turns sideways and gets into his batting stance. “If you choose me your show will be…” He swings, “Out of the ballpark!”
Tom Brady
Tom Brady appears on video. He’s lying down in what appears to be his backyard, with his hands behind his head and some dogs running around. “What’s up ladies. I’m Tom Brady and you’ll soon be seeing me on a new T.V. show about…” He trails off, realizing he doesn’t yet know what the show is about. He improvises. “It’s… well, it’s about me!” He grins, pleased with his recovery. “That’s right ladies, you can soon see me, Tom Brady, dog lover…” He pauses, glancing somewhere behind the camera. He grits his teeth, repeating himself, “I said, Tom Brady, dog lover!” A dog suddenly appears out of no where, running every which way but to Tom. He tries to lean over and grab the dog but he just runs away, eventually peeing on the hose hookup. “Oh Lilac, you bad boy!” He nervously grins at the camera, and then gives a thumbs up. Yes, you read that right. A thumbs up.
Mark Madsen
Mark Madsen appears on video. He’s dressed in full pick up basketball attire complete with headband. He is crouched in an incredibly low defensive stance. Probably too low to effectively play any actual defense. He slaps the ground with his palms. “YO! I’m Mark Madsen, or maybe you know be by my nickname, Mad Dog!” He slaps the ground again. “WOO! I am psyched to be on your show! I will provide all the energy, I promise. Why do you think they call me Mad Dog?” He starts shuffling from side to side. “Not to mention, I’m a great motivator! If your down, I WILL PUMP YOU UP!” Mark slaps the ground again, does some more shuffling, casually stands up and walks towards the camera. “Give me a high five.” He holds out his hand and begins walking towards the camera. “Pick Mad Dog and I won’t let you down.”
LaDainian Tomlinson
LaDainian Tomlinson appears on video. He’s dressed in his powder blue Chargers jersey with a football helmet on his head. The visor is down and he can be seen jogging in place for a bit until he stops. “Afternoon! I’m LaDainian Tomlinson, or L.T. for short. I heard you were making a video?” He takes his helmet off and flashes a grin. “Well, I’m your man. I’m not sure if you know it, but I am incredibly classy. Everything I do just oozes class. Grocery shopping? Classy. Getting the paper? Classy. Making an audition tape for the best show ever? You guessed it!” He starts chuckling. “Classy!” If you want a top notch athlete who is polite and gets along well with others than you need to put me on your show!” He puts his helmet back on. “You won’t be disappointed!” He then sprints off the screen. Yes, seriously.
There you have it. Eight athletes. Eight distinct personalities! Little do they know they’ll be thrown into a house together for eight weeks. There's no more eights, I promise.
How will they interact? How long will it be until there is the inevitable drama? Will they all be able to stay the eight weeks? Are you riveted yet? No? Well, you will be I promise. Expect many twists, turns and of course, the hilarity that comes with locking these particular athletes together under one roof.
Stay tuned for Episode 1: The Arrival.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
The Sport Crack/Armchair GM Collaborative Tri-Season MLB Awards Presentation
After much debate, discussion and witty comments in the presentation portion of the article, I finally had enough information to pick a victor. For a full list of the awards and nominees click here.
If your too lazy to go and read part one, these are awards for the first third of the season. Why, you ask? Well, why not?
The better off without them award goes to...Barry Zito of the San Francisco Giants! Along with this prestigious award, Barry is also being heard in conversations about the worst contract signings ever made. Hey, at least the Giants have Tim Lincecum.
The flashback to draft day hitting award goes to...Chipper Jones of the Atlanta Braves! Chipper is on base pace to finish the season with a batting average roughly two and a half times his own weight! Nicely done!
The flashback to draft day pitching award goes to...Brandon Webb of the Arizona Diamondbacks! Luckily for me, I originally drafted the last two people on my team. Unluckily for me, I traded both of them and have since been frustratingly mediocre.
The failure to live up to expectations team award goes to...The Detroit Tigers! Detroit’s hitting has lived up to expectations, but it’s pitching hasn’t even lived up to AAA expectations.
The speculative, steroid blues award goes to...Eric Gagne of the Milwaukee Brewers! Eric might be better off actually trying to sing blues for a living with the way things have been going.
The MVP award goes to...Chase Utley of the Philadelphia Phillies! He’s been playing out of his mind, that’s all that needs to be said.
The ace award goes to...Edinson Volquez of the Cincinnati Reds! Edinson could have also won the “Who is this guy, exactly?” award, had it existed.
The shutdown award goes to...Francisco Rodriguez of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Yes, I’m aware I left Brad Lidge of the nominee list. My fault. If there were a silver and bronze medal, he would have gotten the bronze. But there isn’t, so…
The fantasy team killer award goes to...Erik Bedard of the Seattle Mariners! Not only has Erik killed many fantasy teams, but he’s also helped killed the hopes and dreams of Seattle fans.
The packed bandwagon award goes to...The Tampa Bay Rays! The Rays also would have received the “Team with the most players willing to throw down (and win)” award, had it existed.
The soon to be a sporting household name award goes to...Jay Bruce of the Cincinnati Reds! Is it too early to assume he’s going to be great? I mean, we’ve seen enough, right?
With that, the awards ceremony must now come to a close. Thank you to all who participated and apologies to all those who didn’t get an award. They’re not even real, so your good!
