SportsCrack

The NFL jersey you wear and what it says about you

Last night, during that magical time in between waking and sleeping, I had an idea and I do not get ideas very often. So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, here is a look into the psyche of those who wear your favorite NFL player jerseys. What story are you telling about yourself when you wear an NFL jersey? Well, let's find out - enjoy, and do go easy on the apple cider. I spiked it.

(Note - Since I'm so nice, I placed some Amazon ads you can click on if you'd like to buy the jersey -- and unless it's an L.T. jersey, I don't see why you wouldn't want one.)

Priest Holmes jersey - I enjoy living in the past a bit and think of myself as able to come back from anything. Even debilitating neck and spinal injuries. I tend to get people's hopes up but then blast them down with a shotgun, though I always thank my supporters.



Tom Brady jersey - Whats up baby? How are you doin'? I tend to think of myself as somewhat of a manly man. Except, I take three hours to get ready and use hand lotion because I don't like dry hands, damnit!



LaDainian Tomlinson jersey - I cry a lot and I get mad when I don't get my own way. I can't share very well and I always brag about my own things while making fun of yours. I'm also gay and LOVE how this powder blue jersey matches by shell-toes, don't you? Oh, and I'm classy, too. Don't you think?



Chad Johnson jersey - I'm that guy at the bar who talks mad shit to people and gets in their face but I nearly shit my pants when that person doesn't back down. Also, I curl up into a little ball and cry when I get punched in the face.



Randy Moss jersey - I am the fucking man.



Ray Lewis jersey - I killed a guy once at a Wheaties convention but for some strange reason, I got away with it and no one even seems to remember, which is pretty cool.



Adrian Peterson jersey - I'm confident, but not too confident. I am the heir apparent to the top of my corporate ladder and I have a hand crushingly strong handshake. I'm a bit fragile, though.




Adam 'Pacman' Jones jersey - I just shot up your house. My fault. Hey, want to go to a strip club? [In case your wondering why there's no picture for Pacman... I couldn't find one. I guess no one wants to sell something with his name on it. Interesting...]


LaMont Jordan jersey - I was really cool for like, two weeks of my entire life. Then I tweaked by back and can't go out anymore because my wife won't let me.



Brett Favre jersey - I'm really old but I am a legend on the tackle football battlefield down at Sampson park. Until I break a leg or have a heart attack, I am not going to retire. Also, I LOVE Wrangler jeans.



Peyton Manning jersey - I like to give life advice to pretty much everyone. Even people I do not know and meet on the train.



Ben Roethlisberger jersey - I'm the guy who everyone likes, then began to like even MORE after I got into a car accident and got tons of prescriptions for perks and vikes. Five bucks a pop, buddy. Fork it over.



Tony Romo jersey - I used to be shy, but then I landed a commercial gig and I am on top of the world. I smile and giggle a lot.



Well, that's about it for now. May your turkeys be tasty and your beers be plenty.

Back in time for Turkeyday

I know, it's been like 4 years since my last post. My bad. I just wrote an informational e-book that will hopefully make me some greenage. And no, I will not whore it out on this blog because it has absolutely nothing to do with football.

Or... maybe I will, I don't know. Anyway, back to football!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and for the first time since I can remember, the Lions are actually playing in a meaningful game. I was looking forward to putting some money on them, but then I lost all of my money that I had left (until this Friday) this past Sunday when New Orleans shit the bed and the Jets beat the Steelers. Seriously, how did that happen? I took the Steelers and they were GIVING ten points! And they lost! I thought this team was the heir apparent to end the Patriots undefeated season attempt? I guess not.

Oh well. Here are the picks:

Lions over Packers.
Cowboys over Jets.
Falcons over Colts. (Upset!)

On a quick side note, I would like to wish Priest Holmes a happy retirement. I would also like to thank him for effectively ruining my shot at making the playoffs in my fantasy league.

You see, we only get two waiver wire moves for the whole season. This is to prevent faggots having an ever-changing starting line up like a waiver wire whore house. Anyway, not surprisingly, I used my two pickups within like, the first six weeks of the season. By week 10, everyone had used there's up except the commish.

My running back situation was dire and the Jack Daniels in my blood stream was telling me to make a move or lose. So, I stopped over my commishes house, busted out a trade that looked a bit like this:

I gave up: Plaxico Burress and LaMont Jordan and I got: Chris Chambers, Jerrious Norwood and a FA pickup (Priest Holmes).

Yes, I know, in the light of the recent Holmes re-retirement this looks like perhaps the worst trade in fantasy football history. But I didn't know Priest was going to retire after two games! I thought L.J. was done for the season and I was making a sneaky, genius deal.

Guess not. Thanks though, Mr. Holmes. I'm going to get fucking HOUNDED all through the Super Bowl party. Well wishes, though. I admire your efforts and am thinking about buying your jersey just to parody the whole thing and make fun of myself. I'm cool like that.

Power rankings and random ramblings to come. Stay tuned.