SportsCrack

The Real Sporting World, Episode Three: Drunken Interviews

Clips are shown of the first two episodes. The camera then cuts to the living room where everyone except for host Steely McBeam is present.

Manny: “Where is McBean?” Manny looks around, troubled by the absence of his new best friend.

Kobe: “They should have had me as the host of this show.” Kobe is filing his nails.

Madsen: “Why, so you could yell at everyone when they did something you didn’t like?”

Kobe: “Exactly.” There is no sarcasm in his voice at all.

Madsen: “Wait, are you serious?”

Kobe: “Yup.” He nods.

A-Rod: “Does anyone want to play hide and go seek?”

Everyone looks at A-Rod and a response to his question would likely have came but a loud bang is heard, similar to as if a mascot just took a digger down the stairs. No one appears to be too concerned.

Kobe: “I can’t believe I’m not on this box of Wheaties..”

Clemens: “I can.”

Kobe: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Clemens: “For one, you’re a dick. Two, you might like to think it, but your no Michael Jordan.”

Brady: “Aren’t you supposed to be shooting up steroids or something right now?” He looks around sarcastically for a clock.

Clemens: “I DON’T TAKE STEROIDS!” He stands up, turning the familiar purple.

Peyton: “Just in case you haven’t noticed, no one believes you. No one at all.”

Madsen: “I believe you Rocket!” He offers a high-five. It is ignored.

Clemens: “DO NOT CALL ME ROCKET!!” He storms off, bumping into a woozy, disheveled Steely McBeam.

McBeam: “Good morning everyone, getting along as usual I see.”

A-Rod: “It’s one o’clock in the afternoon..”

Peyton: “Actually, it is one o eight.”

McBeam: “Oh, uh.. Sorry.”

Kobe: “You’re a pretty horrible host.”

McBeam: “Well, I’ll make it up to you all. I have details of what we’ll be doing today!”

Manny: “Can we play soccer?”

A-Rod: “Hide and go seek?”

LaDainian: “Tag?”

McBeam: “No. Seriously, some of you guys might want to start thinking before you speak. Anyway, to prevent you all rioting we figured we’d do something fun.”

Madsen: “Did you build an indoor basketball court?”

McBeam: “No.”

Brady: “Are there strippers downstairs?”

McBeam: “Unfortunately, no. We’re going to all get drunk and play a getting to know you game.”

Madsen: “Oh yeah! Gonna get crunk! WOO!” He goes to high-five Steely who pats him on the shoulder instead.

McBeam: “Think about what your going to be telling your partner, get something to eat then meet me downstairs in a couple of hours.”

The camera cuts to black and then cuts back in, presumably a few hours later in a new bar type room. There is an assortment of different beers and liquors on the bar. Mad Dog has sneaked a bottle of whiskey and is sipping from it, attempting to be sneaky but failing horribly.

McBeam: “Okay, we’ll be playing drunken getting to know you. You won’t have your normal roommates as partners. I think it’s safe to say you know enough about them quite well by now.” Madsen tries to nod at Clemens who is doing everything in his power to stare straight ahead.

McBeam: “The partners are: Alex and Manny, Tom and Kobe, Peyton and Mark and Roger and LaDainian. Before we break off, what do you all want to drink?”

Manny: “Chocolate milk!”

Peyton: “Gin and tonic on the rocks.”

Kobe: “Grey goose and cranberry.”

LaDainian: “Some of that expensive looking wine right there..”

Clemens: “Just gimme a beer.”

Brady: “A mimosa.”

A-Rod: “A Seagram’s with ice. The raspberry kind.”

Madsen: “Three shots of Tanguaray 151!” He starts pumping his fist, bobbing his head back and forth.

McBeam: “Okay, get your drinks, get in your pairs and start asking the questions provided. And everyone please keep an eye on Mad Dog, we’ll probably have to shut him off in about twenty minutes.”

The alcohol, not surprisingly lightens the mood a great deal. Except for Clemens of course. He is complaining about something to LaDainian who appears to be listening intently. After about an hour, McBeam moves to the front of the room for his next announcement.

McBeam: “Okay, Mad Dog is now officially cut off.”

Madsen is sitting on the couch, both his arms crossed, pouting.

McBeam: “First up, Alex and Manny!” He starts clapping, then goes back over to his spot and resumes drinking what appears to be Jim Beam.

A-Rod: “Well, my partner was Manny Ramirez. He plays baseball for the Boston Red Sox. His favorite food is peanuts.”

Manny begins rubbing his stomach, rolling his eyes back. He appears to expressing his love for peanuts.

A-Rod: “His pet peeve is people who don’t like the number twenty four. And the one thing he would most like you to know about him is that if he could be any animal, than he would be a squirrel.”

Manny shrugs his shoulders.

Manny: “They have the life!” He gets his piece of paper and turns to point at Alex.

Manny: “Thees is my new fren, Alex. He play for the Yankees.” Manny shakes his head. “His favorite food is.. Lettuss?” He looks at A-Rod who nods back.

Manny: “Uhh.. His pet peeve is all who make fun a him. And the one thing he want you to know about him is that he is NOT gay!” Manny begins giggling.

A-Rod: “Uh, I didn’t say that, but it is true..” He nods, looking at everyone very seriously. The whole thing was obviously planned.

McBeam: “Okay, um, that was interesting. Next up.. Kobe and Tom.”

Kobe and Tom strut up to the front, arguing over who will go first.

Kobe: “My partner was Tom Brady. He plays QB for the Patriots. His favorite food is..” Kobe looks over at Tom. “I’m not saying that.”

Brady: “Aw! Come on! You all know what it is!” He points at everyone, nodding.

Kobe: “Uh, yeah. His pet peeve is anyone who likes Peyton Manning and the one thing he wants you to know about him is that he’s had more women in his life than you’ve had all time in your imagination.”

Madsen nods.

Madsen: “Can’t argue with that! Just kidding Peyton, you the man!” He tries to reach for Peyton’s glass of gin but Peyton stands and brushes him off.

Peyton: “Wow, that was mature Tom.”

Brady: “Hell yeah it was! I’ma P! I! M! P!” He chugs from his mimosa.

Brady: “Okay, my partner was Kobe Bryant. He plays basketball for the Lakers and is most known for his comparisons to Michael Jordan.”

Kobe is nodding at Tom, pleased that he’s actually saying all this. Madsen raises his hand.

Brady: “His favorite food is Wheaties and his pet peeve is when anyone sucks at anything and he is good at it. Which is everything. That annoys him. Uh, what Mark?”

Madsen stands up.

Madsen: “I think I speak for everyone when I say that no one has ever compared Kobe to Michael Jordan. Or ever will. Thank you.”

Kobe: “Bullshit! I hear it everyday! In the paper, on the internet..”

Madsen: “What on kobebryantisthebest.com?” Mad Dog looks around, laughing incredibly hard. Must have been some good whiskey.

Brady: “The one thing that he would like you to know about him is that he’s liked gambling and Hanes underwear his entire life and doesn’t like it just because Michael Jordan does.” Everyone starts laughing.

Madsen: “Haha! Good one Kobes!”

Kobe: “Mark, shut up! You suck at basketball!”

Madsen’s jaw drops.

Madsen: “WHAT!? One on one, right now! LET’S GO!” Peyton sits Madsen down and hands him his gin so he’ll shut up. Kobe is laughing.

McBeam: “Next up are Peyton and Mark.” Were those words slurred by our mascot?

Madsen pounds the rest of the gin and runs up to the front of the room. Peyton leisurely strolls up behind him. Madsen swings his entire body and then turns sideways, pointing with both hands at Peyton.

Madsen: “GIVE IT UP FOR MY BOY PAY TOOOOOOOOOONE!”

No one claps.

Peyton: “I told you no introduction was needed.”

Madsen: “Peyton the Man is on the Colts and is a QB. Dare I say he’s better than Tom?”

Brady: “No.”

Madsen: “His favorite food is.. Football?”

Madsen looks down at his list.

Madsen: “His favorite food is football because he eats it for breakfast and dinner? Uh, did I get that right Peyton?”

Peyton: “No, no you didn’t.”

Madsen: “Aw, dude. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that man, I messed it all up, I’m sorry.” He goes to try and hug Peyton who dodges.

Peyton: “It’s fine, keep going.”

Madsen stumbles.

Madsen: “I’m sorry man, I’m so sorry!” He stops, lifting his fist up to his mouth. He tries to run to the bathroom but ends up hurling all over Clemens, who sits there in shock for a moment or two. “Dude! Rocket! I’m so sorry! I must have ate too many yodels, dude I’m so sorry!”

Clemens promptly gets up, grabs some more beer and storms upstairs.

A-Rod: “Wow, he handled that well..”

McBeam stumbles over to the front of the room.

McBeam: “Okay, LaDainian -- you need to finish yours and Roger’s. You have to do it, you just have to. Sorry.” He hiccups and sways back over to his chill spot.

LaDainian shrugs and moves to the front of the room.

LaDainian: “It’s okay, Roger didn’t answer any of my questions anyway. He just kept telling me Vizio’s sucked and sometimes he thought I might be retarded. He didn’t mean it though, guy had like three beers, I think? He was crazy.. But about me, shucks, where do I start? I learned the value of hard work and being classy early on. I was barely walking and already I was running around the yard, little football helmet on, working out and being polite! I was always trying to get better and I was polite to EVERYONE in my town. They all knew me as polite, classy LaDainian. I used to get SO MANY free cookies!”

McBeam: “Okay L.T., speed it up!”

A-Rod: “LaDainian, did you know this show is sponsored by Sony?”

Peyton: “Nice, Alex, real nice.”

LaDainian: “What do you mean? Why would they pick Sony over Vizio?” He turns to McBeam. “Is this true?”

McBeam shakes his head.

McBeam: “No, we’re sponsored by Burger King, actually.”

L.T. nods, looking relieved.

LaDainian: “Okay, I like them. That king is so classy!”

Brady: “Are you seriously from like a comic book universe where they injected you with Vizio and classy juice? Is that why you always talk about that stuff? I would seriously believe you if you said that was true..”

LaDainian: “Oh Tom, stop playin!”

McBeam hiccups again and stumbles, falling over. Everyone stares at him for a minute or two before they realize he’s not getting up.

A-Rod: “Did he pass out? Where does he sleep?”

Peyton: “I think it’s somewhere down here. Let’s try down the hall.”

McBeam is carried down the hall to a door with a Steelers sticker on it. They bring him inside and the camera shows Steelers posters and memorabilia everywhere. Also, there’s tons and tons of bottles of Jim Beam.

Kobe: “Still living in the past..”

Brady: “Wow. Steely sure does like Jim McBeam. Haha!” Tom looks around. “Not funny? Okay..”

A-Rod: “Maybe that’s why he woke up at one o clock today. Do you think he’s sad he got let go by the Steelers?”

They all look down at Steely who’s passed out on a makeshift bed.

Madsen: “Well no sense in worrying about it now. Let’s take this booze upstairs and PAR-TAY!” He runs around, picking up as many bottles as he can. The rest follow suit, leaving McBeam to sober up by himself in his basement abode.

The camera cuts to black and same cheesy reality show music plays. The credits inform everyone that the show is indeed sponsored by Sony.

Next week on the Real Sporting World: How will McBeam respond the next morning? What story will he tell? When exactly will Roger Clemens snap and actually hit Mark Madsen? And when will the Mad Dog finally get some returns on his high fives? Stay tuned next week for these answers and more on.. The Real Sporting World!

The 10 NFL Off-Season Moves With The Biggest Potential Of Impact

In one of the most active, exciting NFL off seasons in quite some time, the 2008 free agency period gave all of those suffering football withdrawals plenty to whet their appetites. Or at least it did for me. Please tell me I’m not the only one who suffers from football withdrawals..

What follows is a nice concise list of the 10 off season events which have the biggest potential to impact everything in which they’ve come into contact with. It’s not a top ten because I figured it wouldn’t behoove me to try and rank things that haven’t happened yet and then try and pass it off as fact. History has a tendency to be unkind to people who try that sort of thing.

Why did I bunch these two’s retirements together you ask? Well, not only are their respective retirements likely to have a huge impact on their former teams, but they are also out of work at precisely the same time. And what do we know about NFL pre-game shows and recently retired players? That’s right, they facking love them!

Favre and Strahan are both the kind of people who have always tried to find the funny in life and I believe it would be a monumental moment should both of them land on the same pre-game show. It would change millions of American’s Sunday mornings for the better. Even if the two of them never team up, I’m confident at least one of them will try their hand in TV.

Sure, the guy’s off the field decisions have made many wonder if he’s somehow related to the Vick brothers, but try and take yourself back to when he was still playing football. He was electric, he made big plays and made everyone around him play better. He had such a natural ability playing the game of football, I was certain he would eventually become one of the best corners and all around playmakers in the league.

We all know what happened, but it seems a lot of people have forgotten just what he used to bring to the table. Although not until he suits up again will we see whether or not a year off making it rain has decremented his athletic ability or not.

Yes, he was the third best receiver on his team last year. But he was the third best receiver on the best offense, behind two other wide outs who had all-decade type years. Even if Stallworth plays average by his standards, his presence on the field will open it up for Kellen Winslow and Braylon Edwards. Or vice versa.

While his talent can only help the team, Stallworth’s multiple personalities/alter egos might have the potential to do some harm in the locker room. Do you really expect Jamal Lewis to stand by idly while Donte is speaking in third person, pretending he’s an alien?

The Eagles have taken some flack for not dealing Lito Shephard during the draft or in it’s aftermath. Now, they have three top-tier cornerbacks. True, there are only two starting positions at corner, but how is having three top-tier cornerbacks a bad thing? What’s the worst thing that can happen? They start a CB by committee trend? That would be a good thing! One gets tired, spell in the other one. The Eagles may be onto something here..

I wish I was there when Thomas Jones first heard about the Faneca signing. I wouldn’t have been surprised in the least had he done a cartwheel, hugged the nearest person, then began pouring shots for everyone. He is after all the same guy who had one rushing touchdown last year. That’s right, just the one.

Although he was partially to blame, the Jets offensive line also played a key role in Jones’ failing his quests’ for six. Faneca was an integral piece in a Steelers offensive line that was great year in and year out and looks to fill one of the biggest weaknesses for the Jets last year.

Even if Allen ends up dislocating a knee cap (Is that even possible?) in week one, his impact on the Vikings and it’s nation has been palpable. Barring such a catastrophic injury, it’s hard to imagine a world in which Allen doesn’t take the Vikings defense to another level. Now they have two of the best in the game on either side of the ball. Adrian ‘All Day’ Peterson on offense and Jared ‘I don’t have a cool nickname’ Allen on defense.

And don’t worry Vikings fans, I’ve never jinxed a thing in my life. They aren’t even real, save for the legendary ‘Jinx you owe me a Coke, bitch’ gem. So you should be good.

Had Moss taken the money and went to the Eagles, it very well could have changed the landscape of the entire universe.

1.) The Patriots lose Moss, Stallworth and Samuel and drop from their former ‘Elite’ level down to the ‘Well, they still have Tom Brady’ level. This would have caused all who dislike the Patriots to throw all night celebrations, a la every single state that’s not in New England. Vermont probably would have turned, too. Traitors.

2.) Having acquired a player of Moss’ caliber to pair with McNabb, Philly fans may have begun to think positive thoughts about the upcoming season. As we all know, that will probably never happen. Ever.

I actually subscribe to the belief that Turner, while a good back, will not live up to all of the hype. Not to mention I was bullshit the Falcons didn’t try and roll the dice with J-Norwood, who has a ton of potential and just so happens to be on my fantasy team. If the Falcons QB situation plays out like it should next year, meaning... shitty (Barring a Matty Ice coming out party. Quick side note: What are the odds that Matt Ryan likes Natty Ice with a nickname like Matty Ice? Isn’t it an absolute certainty? Is Matty Ice selling Natty Ice on television not a genius idea? Is anyone still reading this?), than Turner will have a hard time maintaining his career 5.5 yards per carry with eight men in the box every play.

On the other hand, Turner could be the next big thing and have fantasy owners everywhere punching themselves in the nuts next November because they didn’t take him.

Apparently, Ocho Cinco has decided to take one for the team and actually participate in his teams off season workouts. What a guy! No matter your opinion on guy’s ego and love of money, the man has skills and his participation in the Bengals 2008 campaign can only bring good things. Unless he goes all 2005 T.O. on them and single handedly destroys their entire season. It should be interesting to watch..

Out of everything on this list, this is perhaps the most surprising. McBeam, regarded by some as the best mascot ever created was let go by the Steelers as we neared the start of the 2008 season. Everything about him was supposed to be symbolic about the city of Pittsburgh. The Mc was for the city’s Irish heritage and the Beam because Pittsburgh loves it some Jim Beam. Even the first name Steely is a reference to the city and it’s history with steel! Genius! Nothing says Pittsburgh like alcoholic Irish steel workers, after all.

How will the fans react to this? Either they will be calling for his return by week two, or the 98% of the city who are not Irish, alcoholic steelworkers will learn to live without such a polarizing, potentially homosexual mascot. Take your pick, but all kidding aside I think it’s safe to say: R.I.P. Steely McBeam, you truly were a legend.