Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Top 10 Reasons The NFL Salary Cap Must Stay In Place
I know, duh right? But with the 2011 season getting closer and closer with each passing day, I’ve taken it upon myself to take a look at some of the reasons having no salary cap would be a bad idea. Okay, fine -- so I wanted to do another top ten. Sue me! While it’s pretty easy to think of a bunch of reasons why no salary cap would be bad, it’s always hard to compile these things and rank them in an order so people won’t disagree and make fun of you. And by hard, I mean fun. And when I hint that I tried to make it as controversy-free as I could, I’m lying. So let’s just let the good times/disagreements/witty insults roll!
10. The league minimum? Uh, not so minimal.If you think kickers had the life now, forget it when the league average and minimum are upped due to no salary cap. Such a high minimum salary for such horrible athletes who barely play. Awesome! But hey, at least it will make everyone hate kickers and punters even more and that’s always a good thing! The league minimum and league average should rise hand in hand, since if either goes up, so must the other. And they would both have to go up if there’s no salary cap. So, there you go.
9. Think you’ll finally rid yourself of Peyton Manning? Think again!The answer to this is obvious, but the thought did cross my mind: Would Peyton Manning finally give up all his damn commercials if his already lucrative contract was enlarged to even larger proportions? The answer to this is a resounding no, which is a shame. Such an occurrence would be a major plus in the anti-salary cappers campaign.
8. “Hey, is that Freddie Mitchell?” AAA NFL football!With many teams unable to compete with the rich, heavy-hitting owners, a lot of teams will undoubtedly be forced to be less competitive. The likely solution would be to drop some teams into a IA or AAA type league. While I’m all for a AAA football minor league, having it hold host to the reemergence of Freddie Mitchell, Maurice Clarett, Charles Rogers and many other sub-par former football players instead of it being a breeding ground for not-yet-there rookie athletes would ruin the entire concept. Besides, would anyone even want to see Freddie Mitchell play again, even if it was in minor league football?
7. “Wait, the current rookie contract fiasco could get worse?”Yes, young man, yes it could. While it may seem impossible for a thing that’s already in such disarray to get even worse, lifting the salary cap would open other fronts in the situation that could damage the league for years to come. With the league average and minimum being upped, the entire draft would basically be a jackpot in which every college football player and their brother would be trying to get in on. Four years of college? Uh, no. It would be more like one and done. What that would mean is less college football experience and less college experience means less talented rookies. Less talented rookies means a shittier league years down the road. As for the current dilemma -- what NFL teams are doing, basically, is offering multi-million dollar managerial positions at top notch restaurants to the best cashiers Burger King has to offer. To be fair, they are Burger King cashier All-Stars, but still. Why in the world are they getting so much money when they haven’t even played in an NFL game yet? And haven’t we learned from the past that there’s not that much of a difference between a player drafted in round one and a player drafted in round five, save for media attention and the desire to succeed? Last time I checked, you couldn’t measure drive and determination through retarded drills with no pads on in Indianapolis. Teams need to stop putting so much stake in what their scouting department says about the players. The NFL Combine is an absolute joke and it amazes me that no one has come up with something better yet. I really hope Matt Ryan pans out for you Mr. Blank, unless you don’t mind throwing nearly 100 million dollars down the drain. Rant over.
6. “Wanna go halves on some dogs and beers?” “Sure, here’s my thirty bucks!”With owners pouring out their wallets in hopes of winning the Super Bowl with it, they will likely need to get a substantial return on their investment through merchandise, tickets, food and beverages at the games. The prices of these would skyrocket to ridiculous proportions. The hardcore, purely fan-filled atmosphere that we currently enjoy at a football game would be threatened due to such expensive tickets. The stands could very well drift into an aristocratic, “Shall we go to the game on Sunday my darling?” type place. I don’t think I need to emphasize on why having football stadiums mimic the atmosphere at Lakers home games is bad, so I won’t.
5. Presenting, The Detroit Zoo Lions!Tying into number six, owners very well could outsource their team names to advertising companies for even more income revenue. Sure, it would probably seem harmless at first, with something like the Detroit Zoo Lions. But then, it would be the Kansas City A1 Barbeque Sauces. Then, eventually we’d be having games between the New England Downy Softeners and the Dallas Instant Relief Ex-Lax. Um, thanks but no thanks. I’m perfectly fine with some commercials and those ads that are on MMA mats. Keep the stupid product sponsoring where it belongs: In Europe.
4. Like to bet on football? Have fun raking in a whopping $3 when the Dallas Instant Relief Ex-Lax destroy the Detroit Zoo Lions!Now I don’t want to come off as a gambling junkie or anything, but I’ve bet on some teams from time to time. Thing is, I’ve never had more than $20 to bet, so it would all go towards a four team parlay that would fail miserably and then completely ruin my Sunday. Word of advice: Do not bet on parlays. It’s tempting, because instead of winning $10 you could win four or five times as much. But just remember that you’ll never, ever win and you should be okay. Anyway, with the drop off of good teams to horrible teams being so steep due to the disparity in spending, you can throw parity in regards to your betting out the window. Sure, you’ll have some nice match ups from time to time, but nothing like what you enjoy now. You’d be stuck betting on either the heavily undermanned underdog (effectively losing all of your money) or the mammoth favorite which would net you about $5 or $6 for every $50 you put down. To make any real money, you’d have to put down hundreds -- which would be impossible thanks to that $212 dollar jersey you just bought.
3. The full wrath of Daniel Snyder’s wallet will finally be unleashed upon the world!You know you deserve a high spot in the top ten when you’re one of the first things and/or people that everyone thinks of when the topic of no salary cap comes up. Would it surprise anyone if Snyder goes so overboard after the salary cap is lifted and the league places a special penalty salary cap on him? You can’t blame Redskins fans for not caring. Either way, Snyder will likely spend his cash lavishly on all the wrong players, coaches and assistant coaches to the assistant coaches. Does the film guy have an assistant yet?
2. Loyalty? What’s that?R.I.P. long term contracts and home town discounts. Hello short term, no-strings-attached ones! With so much money being thrown around in all directions, even players not named Chad Johnson would be grinning with glee. “Loyalty? Sorry, but I got’s to get my money!” You couldn’t blame them either, money would be flowing around like a Pacman Jones visit to the strip club. I don’t say that in a condescending way either. Making it rain is tons of fun, even if I, unlike Pacman, do it with four one dollar bills. Anyway, don’t expect many long term contracts if there’s no salary cap, either. Why would there be? Remaining loyal and being a team player on one particular team for many years would be a thing of the past. In fact, if you did it in the no salary cap era, you’d probably be made fun of and beaten up in the parking lot. One to two year contracts would be flowing like.. a waterfall. Although skill positions and the super-duper stars would likely get medium sized contracts, everyone else would essentially become mercenaries for hire for a year or two.
1. The 512 million dollar, payroll backed Indianapolis French Lick Sandwiches just won the Super Bowl? Weird..Ah, number one. It was an easy choice. The worst thing that having no salary cap in the NFL could do would be phasing out champions built on knowledgeable sculpting of the team as a whole. I for one consider this to be one of the best parts of the game. Although other sports require tinkering of the team, only football requires the delicate balancing of 52 players and the placement of the correct people in certain situations. We’ve seen owners try and win with just money and we’ve watched them fail. That’s not how the task should be approached especially when it’s been proven you need to have knowledge, acquire key players and position them all correctly in the chess match that is an NFL season. The road to the Lombardi trophy is paved with hard work, sweat, blood, tears and teamwork. Not money.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Mark Madsen’s 2001 Lakers Parade Speech: An Analytical Breakdown
Yes, this qualifies as the B.N.B. sort-of related to sports video of the day. Yes, it may be a little old. Yes, it is absolutely hilarious. And yes, it’s a little late for a daily video, so what -- wanna fight about it?Anyway, if you’ve read any of my Real Sporting World articles, you know I have a strange fascination with Mark “The Mad Dog” Madsen. I’m guilty of poking fun at him from time to time but really, I respect the man for being himself. He is 110% always the Mad Dog that is Mark Madsen, even if he does often make people doubt that he’s actually a real living human being. He is folks, he is that and more.
If you’ve never heard of Mark Madsen, he is a professional basketball player best known for his bench cheering skills and the unparalleled intensity he exhibits when tossed into a game. Whether or not these things have anything to do with the fact that he’s averaged 12.0 minutes per game for his career (seriously, become a believer: Here). But although one might first notice that the Mad Dog has averaged 2.2 points per game or 0.4 assists is the intangibles he brings to the table. Not only will Madsen give you his all on the court, but he’ll give you his all on the bench as well.
You also might know him best from his Lakers days, because that is when he was most relevant. I’ve taken it upon myself to remind the world of the legend that is Mark Madsen whenever I can, and I figured why not feature him in the BNB video of the day? But what video to pick, for there are so, so many. Then it dawned on me. His legendary speech at the 2001 Lakers Championship Parade. Following the speech is an analytical breakdown, because although it’s pretty straight forward, I knew it would be a blast to do. Enjoy.
(Note: I’ve broken the common trend of how many actual seconds each clip is into the video and replaced it with what it says on the You tube player as you play it. There’s no math involved and as we all know, everybody wins when that‘s the case.)
0:01 - The speech extravaganza host begins his introduction. He pretty much gets it spot on. Even though you’ve already probably heard it, I’ll post what is said for our speaker impaired readers (with my comments in italics in between quotes for the rest of the post):
“Out of the University of Stanford or Stanford University if you like..” This announcer is on his game, he’s attempting to please every possible person who could be at this parade. Well done.
“He was an honor student..” Not surprising.
“He is a crowd favorite..” Also not surprising.
“Didn’t play very much but when he played, he played with an intensity that no other Laker prob--ever exceeded.” Whoever this announcer is, I like him. He doesn’t sugar coat anything, he aims to please and he isn’t afraid to make bold statements if it’s true. He goes to say ‘..no other Laker probably’ but immediately corrects himself because he knows there is no other nominees in the intensity category if Mark Madsen is involved. Bravo!
“He’s the guy who went and picked the other guys’ laundry up and brought it to their rooms. He’s the guy who carried their bags from the hotel lobby up to their rooms.” By other guys’ the announcer means Kobe Bryant. After the bag part, he realizes he’s beginning to downplay the Mad Dog and boos are heard. A professional, he quickly realizes this and spouts:
“That’s enough.” I’m beginning to like this announcer even more than I like Mark Madsen if that’s even possible.
“Mark Madsen!” A thunderous applause is heard. A couple boos as well, but they’re drowned out -- probably due to the fact that whoever was booing was promptly beaten. Dumb asses. Okay, they’re not drowned out completely, but still. This is in Los Angeles! There’s probably some renegade Kings, Warriors and Clippers fans littered throughout the crowd. Yeah, that’s it.
0:38 - The Mad Dog is officially at the microphone at this point. He raises his patented number one finger and thanks the crowd, completely oblivious to the booing. Madsen knows these people are either a) jealous he’s not on there team or b) too drunk to remember when he played that year -- so it’s all good.
“Thank you!” The man is the definition of class.
0:40 - Madsen pauses to let the thank you sink in then offers,
“You are the greatest fans in the world!” Okay, I think we can all agree that this is a blatant lie -- but that isn’t stopping Mark from making it appear and sound as if he sincerely believes this. A maniacal Mad Dog grin completes the whole thing. Not only does he give you 110% on the court and bench, but the man gives it all in the P.R. department as well. Lakers fans the greatest in the world? Haha! Good stuff Mark, I nominate you for an Emmy!
0:43 - Still holding up the number one sign, Mark keeps grinning and let’s what he just said sink in. The man’s a genius. Even Lakers fans know they’re not the greatest in the world, but scream it at a pep rally and let it sink in for a few seconds. ‘Hey, we might just be the greatest fans in the world! Sure, half of the people with Laker flags on their cars wouldn’t be able to name who we played in the Finals -- but who cares! We’re the best in the wooooooooorld!’
0:45 - Madsen punctuates this thinking with a roaring,
“YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!” P.R. Genius.
0:47 - He pauses again then shouts,
“WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!?!” This has absolutely nothing to do with the Lakers team, unless they played this during the season. Which wouldn’t surprise me, but I doubt it. I think it has to do with his nickname more than anything. Yes, I thought of that myself. Regardless, Madsen proves here that he's topical. The man knows what’s in style and he’s aware of his nickname. What more could you want from your 13th man?
0:54 - After a couple of woofs, some expressed bliss when the crowd barks back Madsen gets our bilingual friends involved,
“And for those who speak Spanish: ‘Les hablababes vamos ingles da dimos, que ano benenay, loremos, otra PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!’” Yes, I butchered the shit out of that but the accuracy is not the point. The man prepped his speech with a bit for the Spanish speaking Lakers fans. Nothing needs to be said here, only that is just amazing.
1:08 - Everyone goes wild. I wish I knew what that meant, or maybe everyone is just going wild because it was so out of the blue, legendary and fantastic. Madsen backs from the podium with hands raised, high-fiving his teammates as the crowd goes nuts. Absolutely nuts. Where are the booers now? Huh? Can’t boo someone who just spoke Spanish for no reason, can you?
1:23 - As the crowd goes nuts, the host (?) appears back at the podium with a simple,
“No wonder they call him the Mad Dog.” Indeed. Never before has a nickname fit someone so incredibly well. The man truly is a mad dog. In a good way, of course.
1:28 - Our host concludes with a quick summation of the man as a whole,
“Isn’t he something, and he’s so sincere. Just a great guy.” Say what you want about his intensity, lack of minutes and cheerleader-esque attitude -- but the man wears his heart on his sleeve and he gives 110% no matter what. For that, I applaud you Mark Madsen and I always will. I mean, hey, anyone who can cheer on Kobe Bryant and look like he enjoys must be a great person.
1:33 - The video ends with a shot of Madsen smiling and then putting his head down. Humble. Humble as pie.
What have we learned in this journey? Well, for one -- we’ve learned that Mark Madsen is the man. Two, we’ve learned that sometimes sports biggest stars don’t make their mark by putting up gaudy numbers or winning MVP awards. Sometimes, they leave their mark with effort, being a good teammate and failing to let money affect who they are.
We’ve also learned that Mark Madsen belongs on a particular NBA team where he could make the most impact and be appreciated when doing so. Have you guessed it yet? Come on, think a little harder.. A hint? You seriously want a hint?
They play on the East Coast.
No not the Seattle Supersonics, that‘s the West Coast, dimwit. Think. Another hint? Wow.
They have a player on the team known for giving 110% all the time as well.
The Miami Heat? I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that. Fine, here’s one last one.
The nickname rhymes with 'Meltics'.
That’s right! Your a quick one! The Boston Celtics! In addition to actual basketball talent, they have career bench guys like James Posey (who‘s also talented at basketball to be fair), Brian Scalabrine and Eddie House’s kid! It’s a perfect fit!
Not only have you gotten a refresher course on Mark Madsen as a person, but you’ve also just read the birth piece to a movement designed to get Mark Madsen on the 2009 Boston Celtics roster! A petition’s on the way!
[Note: This article was simultaneously posted @ The Bad News Bloggers -- And yes, I wrote both versions Sherlock]
Saturday, June 28, 2008
The Real Sporting World, Episode Five: Make it Rain!
Clips are shown from the last few episodes, culminating in the fact that the lie detector test and Clemens’ replacement are both taking place tonight. In a surprising twist, instead of showing each lie detector test in full, clips are shown of certain questions to our athletes in a montage. Some playful, circus music is playing in the background. Hey, the producers aren’t going to win any awards for this show, but they try! The fun starts off with an opening shot of McBeam.McBeam: “Okay, after you give the answer to your question -- it will either emit a short low beep if you told the truth, or an obnoxious, fire alarm-esque siren if you lied. So it would behoove you tell the truth.” He starts laughing. Has he already started consuming his Jim Beam?
McBeam: “This is from Doug, who hails from Dover, Delaware. He wants to know, ‘Will you please stop doing so many commercials?’”
Peyton: “Never.” A short beep is heard. What a shocker.
McBeam: “Tom, this ones from Becky from Montpiliar, Vermont. ‘In all seriousness, how many times do you look in the mirror each day?’”
Brady: “Uhh..” He frowns, knowing he has to tell the truth. “I dunno, fifteen -- twenty times?” A short beep confirms our worst fears. Or most passionate desires.
McBeam: “Mark, no one at all submitted a question for you -- so we made one up ourselves: ‘Do you take any kind of medication?’”
Madsen: “Only the medication of the love for basketball!” He raises his hands, completely oblivious to the obnoxious fire alarm sound that informs everyone that was just a lie. “I LOVE BASKETBALL BABY, WOO!”
In between the montage, a silhouette is shown of someone approaching the Real Sporting World House. Could it be Clemens replacement? And why so quickly?
McBeam: “David from Chi-Town, USA wants to know LaDainian: ‘How much does Vizio pay you to pimp their product?’”
LaDainian: “What is that supposed to mean?” He frowns. “They don’t pay me anything! They don’t need too!” A short beep confirms what we’ve all known all along: L.T. just loves him some Vizio’s!
The silhouette is shown opening up the door of the house.
McBeam: “Okay, A-Rod. You ready?” The door can be heard opening. “Oh! Our replacement for Roger is here already!”
Peyton: “Wait, already?”
McBeam: “Yes, we actually have another place nearby that houses six other potential replacement athletes. I can’t tell you who they are though -- but your about to learn who one of them is.”
Brady: “Who’s the producer of this show? Is he alright?”
The camera cuts to the front door of the house, showing it slowly open. It reveals:
Pacman Jones!
Pacman: “What up, pimps!?”
He’s smoking what appears to be a large cigar.
McBeam: “Welcome Pacman!” He scurries over to try and shake his hand. Is McBeam a Cowboys fan?
Pacman: “Yo! Step the fuck back, PUPPET!” He points at McBeam.
McBeam: “Pacman, it’s cool -- I’m the host!”
Pacman: “I said step back!” He starts stepping towards McBeam.
McBeam: “Okay, fine, fine!” He starts backing up.
Pacman grabs a lamp from a nearby table and charges our mascot. He smashes Steely in the face several times. The show’s producers make a note to change this to a TV-MA program.
Pacman: “WHAT?! WHAT NOW!?” Several other housemates run over to peel him off of Steely. “I WARNED YOU PUPPET!” He’s pointing at Steely, very much bullshit. Steely is unconscious where he was beaten. Whether it was the lamp upside the face a couple times, his Jim Beam consumption, or a mixture of the two, the athlete’s love of Steely is shown by nearly everyone crowding around him. Everyone except Mad Dog.
Madsen: “Yo Pacman! THANK YOU! I HATED THAT PUPPET!” He offers a high-five to Pacman, who looks at him as if he was a strip club without booze.
Pacman: “STEP BACK!” He points at Madsen. A random person clad in black suddenly appears. He is seen escorting Pacman away with various, MMA type skills. The ruckus dies down once the legend is gone. The camera cuts back into the lie detector montage.
McBeam: “Manny, Jose from Costa Rica would like to know: ‘Plantains or flan? What is the better breakfast?’”
Manny: “He crazy! Everyone know is FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!” He points at the ceiling, grinning.
McBeam: “Okay A-Rod, Doug from the Bronx, NY would like to know: ‘Why are you infecting my team with your fakely intense, I‘m not gay but act it lifestyle!! GO BACK TO SEATTLE!!’”
A-Rod: “Wait, what was the question?”
McBeam: “Okay, Pau -- no one knew we’d be asking you questions so like Mad Dog, we thought up some for you by ourselves. What planet are you from? Seriously..”
Gasol: “Whatever planet milord came from, I am from also. It is the way of the universe.”
The camera cuts to a shot of Gasol being escorted out of the house. Kobe wipes his brow.
McBeam: “Kobe, Michaela from Champagne, Illinois would like to know: ‘Is your favorite color baby blue?’”
Kobe: “Damn right it is!” He shrugs, as if this was the dumbest question ever. Hm.. fishy.
The camera cuts to Steely being taken from the house on a stretcher. Once he’s gone, our athletes stand around like a bunch of dumb asses for a bit -- until Mad Dog begins to run towards the basement.
Madsen: “BOOOOOOOOOOOOZEEEEE!!”
Everyone smiles. Was that a bonding moment we just witnessed?
The cheesy, end of the show reality music plays, followed by a big drum sound and a preview of next week.
Next week on the Real Sporting World: Will McBeam be back as our well beloved host? Is Pacman seriously a real person? Who will replace Clemens/Pacman’s spot and is it a cursed position? You’ll have to wait and see, next week on The Real Sporting World!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Shaq "relieved" of law enforcement duties
Yes, we’ve all heard about Shaq’s freestyle diss on Kobe in twenty bars. But how about this? A dead set, I-take-my-job-incredibly-seriously sheriff at Shaq’s precinct has stripped him of his badge. Because as we all know, cop’s don’t swear at all. Like, never.I guess you could make the case of this being honorable. If your incredibly strict in your everyday actions. I find it hard to believe that this guy has successfully fought crime with such an attitude on swearing and dissing millionaire athletes.
Call me crazy, but I think there are things at play here that are going on behind the scenes. I would definitely bet a sum of money that this guy somehow has connections to Lakers fandom. It’s the obvious conclusion. In case you haven’t seen the video, or more specifically, the hilarious diss Shaq laid on his arch-nemesis and Michael Jordan wannabe Kobe Bryant, here it is. Don’t say I never did anything for you.
Original story from zeh Y! Sports.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Kevin Garnett's Post Game Interview: A Translational Breakdown
Well, the entire thing was crystal clear to me. Call me enlightened, but I was not confused at any moment during the entire interview or the subsequent playbacks. Maybe it’s because I have a ton of common sense and look at things as simply as possible. Or perhaps it just means I’m an absolute genius. No matter, I’ve felt the burden to break down the interview for everyone who may not understand it.
For best results, watch the different time segments in conjunction with the corresponding translation. Yes, it does require a bit of work. Stop being such a lazy bastard. Cue the video!
0:00 Garnett is seen at the beginning the video, holding his hands on each size of his head. It appears he’s squeezing it. He probably feels a little Outer Limits at this point and doesn’t believe what’s going on is actually going on. I sometimes do this as well, but only when I’ve been drinking.
0:07 Garnett begins his speech with a “I’m so hyped right now.” Easily understandable. The man is very hyped! Pretty much everyone who has won an NBA title could probably relate to this statement. I mean, even I said that back in '92 when I won my class spelling bee..
0:22 Garnett goes on to say “Anything is possible!” He then screams it. What he’s trying to convey here is just as it sounds. Anything is possible, kids. Anything. Some people have expressed confusion over this comment and wondered what he meant, since the Celtics had the best regular season record. What Garnett was likely trying to express was his journey from a high school draftee, to his stay in Timberwolves purgatory, followed by his role in helping the Celtics win an NBA title a year after being the worst team in the league.
0:32 Garnett has been mumbling some stuff under his breath, none of it being too coherent. I think I heard a ‘momma’ somewhere in there, too. What he was likely doing here was quickly expressing some things he didn’t want to say directly into the microphone. Just because your being interviewed doesn’t mean you have to share EVERYTHING with the microphone. Common knowledge.
0:42 Garnett is crying at this point. You don’t need to be a genius to realize that these are tears of joy and also because he hasn’t slept more than a couple of hours this past month. He’s probably really, really looking forward to getting some shuteye. So it’s probably a mixture of those two things.
1:02 This is where all the shout outs start. It doesn’t make too much sense in trying to understand exactly what he’s saying here. He’s giving shout outs to all of his friends and family throughout the country. I know some of my friends have some pretty crazy nicknames that wouldn’t make too much sense if I was trying yell them during a live interview. “Snyder! Scally! Everybody!!!” It’s also interesting to note that Garnett is clutching his hat here as well, almost as if he thinks it might fall off. Again, the entire thing is probably very surreal. It’s not out of the question to think that Garnett may have thought that if his hat fell off, he would wake up and realize this was all just a dream. Yeah, that’s a logical conclusion, let’s go with that.
1:12 Still some shout outs going on here. Then there’s another shout out to his mother, with this one coming through loud and clear as he looks at the camera. That’s the official one. You ALWAYS have to shout out your mom if you ever win anything significant and then get interviewed on live television. Yes, dad’s get the shaft somewhat here, but they care more about the actual title where the mom’s care more about their kid being interviewed on live television. So a clear mom shout out here. Very nice.
1:22 This part is the already infamous “Top of the world” part. Kevin doesn’t elaborate very much on his top of the world screams, but seriously, do you need him to? He’s on the top of the world! That means he’s happy, he’s done what he’s wanted to do most for his entire life. He’s on the top of the world in every sense, probably even in his perception of reality. Garnett looks so intense here he very well could be thinking this interview is actually being conducted atop of our world. It's a Big Ticket world, we just live in it.
1:37 There’s some more references here of not being able to sleep, then a quick shout out to Ray Allen’s play and then a simple “I’m certified!” What does I’m certified mean? Well, first off if you can’t figure that out on your own you may be slightly retarded. I’m certified is Kevin’s way of saying ‘Hey, my career is now legit.’ Think about it. In every sport, you can have an awesome career but if you don’t win a title, it’s always going to hang over your head. Look at Dan Marino. He’s uncertified. A great quarterback and a pretty good pre-game personality who has a tendency to pout like a little girl, but uncertified none the less. Kevin Garnett is now officially certified. Even if he averages two points and one board for the remainder of his career, who cares? He went without sleep for a month and certified himself with an NBA title. Done and done.
1:41 Here Kevin quickly informs Michelle Tafoya that she looks good tonight. The man just certified the interview right here. Not only has he given an honest, emotional interview with the small possibility of actually hallucinating, he throws out a nice little verbal treat for Michelle Tafoya. Michelle needed it, too. Just a couple of hours earlier she had whiffed on her opportunity to bring us factual information on what was going on with Ray Allen’s eye, which was more or less her only job for the entire night. Just as she was explaining that an eye doctor had rushed into the room and it was taking an awfully long time to merely flush out the eye, Ray Allen barged out of his room and began running to the court. Uh, what happened Michelle? Shouldn’t you have been on top of that? So it was nice that Kevin gave her a quick, random compliment. Such a nice guy.
2:10 Garnett closes out the interview explaining that it was a responsibility to win the title in Boston. It was in the interests of carrying on a tradition. A tradition that had been stagnant for twenty plus years, but a tradition none the less. He then asks the camera “What are you gonna say now? What can you go and say now?” What could you say? Seriously? ‘Kevin, you suck!’ Uh, no. That would be false. The man just won an NBA title. ‘Kevin your not clutch!’ Uh, also no. That would be false as well. Kevin’s fantastic Game 7 combined with the fact that he probably had gotten a total of four hours of sleep all month would shoot down that statement in an instant. Sorry pal.
2:22 With the interview over, Garnett kisses some random guy’s head and then turns around to find Bill Russell. They embrace. Could it have ended any better? I submit that it could not.
So there you have it, as plain as day. The entire interview in black and white. I would like to thank Kevin for not only giving such a fantastic interview, but also for being such a badass, passionate athlete for the entire season. It has truly been a pleasure watching you this year.
THIS BLOG IS NOW CERTIFIED!
