SportsCrack

Week 6 Picks

Minnesota @ Chicago - Normally I would take Chicago here, but then I remembered Brian Griese is there QB. And I cannot physically pick them when that is the case.

Miami @ Cleveland - If Miami didn't have Ronnie Brown playing out of his fucking mind this year, I think they might have had a shot at going defeated. But even in this game, with Ronnie running crazy, I think Cleveland will pull out a W.

P.S. Watching the Sox-Indians game right now... it's 9-6 Indians still Top of the 11th and all I have to say: Why the fuck did we sign Eric Gagne? Why?

Washington @ Green Bay - Green Bay had a pretty good run until last week. And their momentum isn't going to be regained in this game, either. Skins win big.

Cincinnati @ Kansas City - I still think Cincinnati is a decent team. And I still think Kansas City sucks. So I'm going with Cincy, here.

Tennessee @ Tampa Bay - Shouldn't the Madden Curse come into effect any week now? I say Young blows out his knee and Tampa Bay squeaks one out.

St. Louis @ Baltimore - UPSET SPECIAL! St. Louis wins their first one of the year. Wait a second, Bulger and Jackson aren't playing. Gus Frerotte or how ever the fuck you spell it is starting QB? Scratch that, Baltimore wins big.

Houston @ Jacksonville - If Andre Johnson was playing in this one, I'd take the Texans. But he's not, so I won't.

Philadelphia @ N.Y.J. - I just traded Thomas Jones in my fantasy league... so here's to hoping the Jets offense collectively shits the bed. Except for Leon Washington. Let's hope he does good. Philly by a small margin--say, three.

Carolina @ Arizona - As long as David Carr is the starting QB for the Panthers, and he continues to wear those queer ass white gloves... I can't pick them to win. Arizona wins big.

Oakland @ San Diego - Lots of people are saying the Chargers are back. They're gonna go on a roll. While I think that's plausible, I don't think it will start this week. Raiders with a somewhat unsurprising upset.

New England @ Dallas - I'm taking the Cowboys in this one...

Haha. Just kidding. Pats win decisively. Ehhhh... say 10 points.

New Orleans @ Seattle - The Saints offense finally gets there shit together and puts up mad points like they did last year, ultimately getting them their first win. About fucking time.

N.Y.G. @ Atlanta - Giants win. Sorry, I'm tired.

10 Reasons the Patriots will beat the Cowboys

1.) Tony Romo - He’s a good quarterback, I admit it. But he’s never faced a Belichick defense before. And as we all know, the first time you do that, it’s not a good time.

2.) Rodney Harrison’s Back - Yes, he took HGH. Yes, he’s known as a cheap shop, hard hitting asshole. Do I still love him, though? Your fucking right, I do.

3.) Patriots have destroyed everyone - Yes, the records of who they have played hasn’t been very good. But the Chargers are still good. They have all the same people as last year. The Jets are still good. They have all the same people. What’s the difference? Coaching? Perhaps. But let’s not downplay the teams they have played. And all the teams they have played, they’ve destroyed. Even if they were all bad. They destroyed them. Except perhaps the Browns. That was just a beat down, but the Browns played the Pats pretty well.

4.) Wade Phillips (The Cowboys coach) - He’s not very good. I think that’s all I need to say.

5.) Tom Brady - He’s been having a career year. Why would it stop now? The Cowboys defense, you say? Seriously? They’re 12th in pass defense. Good, but not Top 5. This is Tom Brady we’re talking about kids.

6.) Randy Moss - Remember the freakishly good wide receiver we knew in Minnesota? Well, guess what? He’s back. And he has a Hall of Fame quarterback throwing to him. Do you know what that means? A Hall of Fame quarterback throwing to a Hall of Fame wide receiver? Not to mention Moss has OWNED the Cowboys when he's played them. 675 yards? 10 Total TD's? Don’t get me wrong. I respect the Dallas offense. But after Tony Romo’s shitfest against the Buffalo defense on Monday Night Football? There going to need to play a lot better and without as many mistakes. Seriously. I’m gonna lead this into Number 7:

7.) Bill Belichick - All that cheating stuff aside. The guy is a defensive GENIUS. If I had to, I would look up quarterback’s first starts against Belichick to back up my point. But I don’t think I have enough readers for that. Feel free to look it up for me and refute my point. I’m not worried about it, though. Tony Romo will have a horrible game against a defensive scheme he has never even come close to seeing. Done, son.

8.) Terrell Owens - He kind of hinted that the Cowboys were going to win. Wait, not hinted. He pretty much stated it. Let’s just put it this way: T.O. is going to get rocked by Rodney Harrison. At least once. And I will giggle when that happens. I don’t not like T.O. or anything, but I do think he just needs to get smacked into a concussion. Let’s put it that way.

9.) The Cowboys are America’s Team - And as we all know--the Patriots are… I don’t even know how to put this… not America’s team? And if you’ve watched the Patriots in the past couple of years, it doesn’t matter if the Patriots are the favorite in Vegas. They take any major slight as a reason to win. Especially if everyone is picking them to lose with a team like the Cowboys. The game’s in Dallas, too. America’s team is going to lose, I can’t wait. It’ll be funny.

10.) Patriots Running Game - Even if Maroney doesn’t play we have Sammy Morris and Kevin Faulk. I don’t even have to go on about this. If Maroney plays, all done. Game over. If he doesn’t? Sammy Morris is pretty good. And we got Kevin Faulk on 3rd downs, as well as the best receiving corps on the league. I COULD BE THE FUCKING RUNNING BACK IN THIS SYSTEM! Tom Brady at quarterback. Randy Moss, Donte Stallworth, Wes Welker, Ben Watson. Do I need to go on? No, I don’t.

Week 6 Power Sixteen

1.) New England Patriots (5 - 0 - LW: 1) - With each week, the possibility of them going undefeated grows. And the possibility of me killing myself for not taking Tom Brady.

2.) Indianapolis Colts (5 - 0 - LW: 3) - I'm pretty sure I could rush for 100 yards as long as Peyton Manning was the QB.

3.) Dallas Cowboys (5 - 0 - LW: 2) - I'm not entirely sure how they beat the Bills Monday night. But they did so... there you go.

4.) Pittsburgh Steelers (4 - 1 - LW: 6) - Just when I was beginning to entertain the thought of the Seahawks being good... they get raped by the Steelers.

5.) Green Bay Packers (4 - 1 - LW: 4) - I still think they might not be very good. I have a feeling I'm right, too. A really big, would put money on it feeling.

6.) Washington Redskins (3 - 1 - LW: 11) - Not only did they put up 34 points, but they held the previously juggernaut Detroit offense to 3 points. A field goal. That's it.

7) Jacksonville Jaguars (3 - 1 - LW: 7) - They didn't destroy the Chiefs or anything, but they won decisively. And that's good enough for me.

8.) Tennessee Titans (3 - 1 - LW: 8) - Just like last year, they're not destroying teams or anything, but they are finding a way to win week in and week out.

9.) Baltimore Ravens (3 - 2 - LW: 13) - Although a 9-7 win over the 49ers is pretty shitty... it's still a win. And probably a reflection of what they're record will be this year.

10.) Seattle Seahawks (3 - 2 - LW: 5) - Too much of a drop? Absolutely fucking not.

11.) Arizona Cardinals (3 - 2 - LW: 14) - While I think the Cardinals are mediocre at best in the long haul with Kurt Warner, I have been wrong before. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen.

12.) San Diego Chargers (2 -3 - LW: Not Ranked) - They made the Broncos look like bitches on Sunday. And they also looked like the Chargers of last year. As much as I think L.T. is a pussy, they look like they're on the way up. And what about Michael Turner? Dude's a beast.

13.) New York Giants (3 - 2 - LW: Not Ranked) - Did they play good on Sunday? Or was it just that the Jets fucking blow? Or that Eric Mangini got lucky last year and he sucks at coaching? I don't know. I think it's a mixture of all of those things.

14.) Houston Texans (3 - 2 - LW: 15) - They need Andre Johnson back. With him, they're a legit contender.

15.) Oakland Raiders (2 -2 - LW: Not Ranked) - Here's to LaMont Jordan coming back this week. If not, they're fucked. And so is my fantasy team.

16.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3 - 2 - LW: 10) - At least they show support for they're injured running backs. What if Earnest Graham gets knocked out this week? Who's they're RB then?